Dilema

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Hello.

I'm Daniel, a 26 yr old from Australia with Aspergers. For the past 2 years that I've been aware of my Aspergers I have gone through every phase of emotion and trying to calculate
where I fit like I'm sure most do. As a result certain things have made more sense and it has made certain things much more difficult to deal with. I've finally hit another low point and
decided to look for other peoples point of view.

My Dilema is that I have something that prohibits me from wanting to get close to people. I work as a bouncer in a night club people always say I never smile and I act too serious. I
always used to find the environment unnearving but after time it became my routine, and I use this as a prime example of how I simply have no motivation to want to connect with people
(usually they are intoxicated) but I simply cannot relate to them or connect with them.

Even the few close friends I have whom are now all married, I find it difficult to want to go socialise with them, and after I discovered I had Aspergers I would start to analyse my conversations
after I had them and can clearly see a rehearsed pattern of questions and responses for small talk situations, but I don't really connect or feel anything to the person. Every girlfriend I have ever
had has left me because I was not social enough for them.

I'm an olympic weightlifter and I'm very focused on this, but even prior to doing this when I had a lot of idle time I was still never interested in social activities. I would like to be able to
find a way to connect with other people in order to hopefully form a strong bond with them. I've tried to push myself unsuccessfully to go to social activities and make an apperance but
it never seems to get easier, comfortable or enjoyable, I've pretty much accepted that this will never change and I just have to keep pushing myself, but this has lead to a great deal of
depression because eventually something has gotta give, and in my case thats how every relationship has ended.

I'm interested to hear how you all deal with your social / partner relationships and if / how you keep them strong

Thank you
Daniel

I think I understand how you feel. I have experienced some of the same problems over the years. I generally have little to no interest in socializing with other people for "fun." I get no enjoyment from small talk and find most socializing to be too superficial and vapid for my tastes. I despise parties, dislike attending most family functions (weddings, funerals, family reunions, etc.), and I generally do not like talking on the phone as well. Ironically, I once held a job as a receptionist answering phones all day, and I got very good at it once I learned the routine. But even that "training" on the phone has not lessened my distaste for speaking on it now.

I do enjoy "talking" via the internet with like-minded people on occasion, but even then I don't participate very often. In fact, I would generally prefer to communicate with everyone via the written word versus the spoken ones. I think it is because I can control what I write, but I cannot predict what may come out of my mouth while talking to someone. I tend to mishear people, or just misunderstand them entirely, and that has often lead to confusion and embarrassment for me. So, I get extremely nervous in social situations (especially if there are more than one persons involved in the conversation), which adds to the likelihood of a misstep by me. And a lifetime of missteps has undoubtedly fueled my desire to avoid social situations. For the longest time I thought I was just shy, then I thought I had social phobia. Now, much later in life, I realize it has been Asperger's Syndrome all along.

Very few people in my life really understand just how difficult and unpleasant it is for me to go to social events. Most people think that if I just try harder and socialize more, then I will magically learn to enjoy it. The only thing that is guaranteed to bring me out of my shell and drive me to a social scene voluntarily, is to attend events that revolve around my special interest. I am very knowledgeable in this area, so I am much more comfortable in conversations regarding it and therefore much more willing to take social chances in that arena.

I actually met my current partner whilst working at that receptionist job. I had enormous problems meeting potential friends or partners before that, and I still don't have any truly close friends to speak of. My partner has communicated to me that at times he feels stifled by my unwillingness to socialize. I have encouraged him to spend time with his friends & family without me, although he has not really done this on his own very much and therefore he really doesn't have much of a social life either. I am glad that I was able to have found a mate who is willing to tolerate my lack of socialness, but I do wish that I had a close friend that I could confide in as well. It is so hard to find friends when you can't participate in the traditional socializing that everyone else seems to find enjoyable.

I don't really have much advice for you, as this has been such a problem for me as well. But I do sympathize with your situation. Maybe you can have more success meeting people through the internet, where you can "screen out" the people who are socially needy? Or perhaps you might be able to socialize with the other weightlifting folks more easily? You could also try dating or befriending other folks with Asperger's Syndrome who are likely to be less socially inclined like yourself. Just don't give up and keep trying and eventually you will meet some people who can tolerate (or even embrace) your uniqueness!

I have that same problem I tend to mishear or misinterpret what people are saying. Even those I share a common interest in like my fellow weightlifting team mates.
I know for a fact I'm disliked by some people because I don't talk to those whom I don't feel comfortable with, even when I try with those people I have no motivation to go
past "hi how are you".

But due to the nature of my job having to confront and associate with people I've become well drilled in making eye contact (which normally I do not do much of) and even
cracking jokes that I usually get laughs at by my colleges. It may appear that I'm a charasmatic young man but inside it all feels staged and rehearsed, like some puppet that
has to perform for his master (society), this depresses me.

But what depresses me most is the ammount of "mates" I've run into that I haven't seen in years, had a chat with got their phone number and said
"we should catch up for a beer some time" and then just losing motivation, is just astounding. No matter how well drilled I'am at doing the NT dance, I for some reason
cannot connect or engage, I always feel like I'm pardon the pun, on the "Wrong Planet".

Welcome

It takes a lot of trial and errors to find good friends. I met my best friends while socializing for the sake of socializing (what you describe as superficial relation) but it was always in places and times I never expected to meet someone that would care for me so much and I would care for them. Don't despair and don't slow down socializing, just try other places.

I always say: if you meet more than 5 good friends in a lifetime you can consider yourself a very lucky person. As aspies we tend to expect our relations to be symmetrical, that if we rise our stake, it will automatically rise on the other side.

We are often disappointed and loose motivation in carrying on socialization. My solution is: don't expect anything in return, be generous and wise. If someone will fit you, you will then feel it instantly and you will seal a bond. As I said, it takes lot of trial and error

Godspeed

"I always say: if you meet more than 5 good friends in a lifetime you can consider yourself a very lucky person." - with 5-9 in the inner circle and maybe another 5 [one dead] in the second tier I am doing very well indeed.

IT TAKES PATIENCE! I did not get my first Inner Circle friend till I was in my 30s. At which time I had only two of the second tier people.

I got to see my counselor today, who is as much a friend as professionalism allows, and told her about my recent revelation that a lot of people don't even try to be logical. She calls it "dealing with the stupids."
I've often noted that with people, there isn't much middle ground between boring and scary. However, there is still a small "play" function in my hardware upstairs, and where I feel safe, it can be fun joking around with someone. It helps to have a common interest and/or philosophy, opinion of current trends, etc.
People often play like puppies - fighting but not hard. It is a way of practicing for real fights, and for bonding with allies. If a dog his laying down on the front legs, but standing up with the back ones, that is a clear signal to play-fight. Parents do it for puppies, to give them a chance. A charging grizzy bear is perfectly safe, if his ears are up. The signals people use for "just kidding" are more subtle and varied. Logic and memory lists are not fast enough for such interaction. You have to exercise your intuition. I find it helpful to use humour frequently. A social gaffe can then be mistaken for a failed jest.
I have often made the mistake of becoming a listener for a chatterbox. Now I only hang around long enough to "finish my work as an anthropologist."
Some jobs are a good way to get enough socializing. A team building - project is my favourite, but there are probably many kinds for other talents.
Most of my social opportunities are wasted, because I won't eat at a table where an abandoned pet (domestic animal) is having a funeral and being interred in my hosts. Not many people eat game, and pray for reconciliation with the spirit involved, and, around here, even fewer are vegetarian.