Death in family. What to do?

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My brother committed suicide the other day. (He was middle-aged, like me, and he also had Autism/ Asperger's.) Needless to say, my parents are very upset. I was not close to my brother, and I am not close to my parents. I am polite to them simply because they are human beings and I recognise that even if their parenting skills were problematic, they generally meant well. I live very far away from them, and my father has told me not to bother coming there because there will not be a formal funeral and there is nothing I can do. So should I take him at his word, or should I arrange a brief visit as soon as possible? I really do not want to go visit them because I hate travelling and I do not enjoy spending time with my family, but I suspect that this is one of those times when you just have to do the unpleasant thing.

Thanks, in advance, to everyone for your comments and suggestions. I will not be able to respond until tomorrow.

I would just stay since he told you too and they live too far away. You also did say you don't enjoy spending time with your family.

Most people won't tell you to come visit under these situations even if they would really like you to.

I would probably visit. Even if you really aren't close to your parents, they did raise you and probably do love you.

I don't know. There is the possibility that you may get closure from the visit. There is also the possibility that your father was just saying it but it's 50:50, it depends on how much your parents understand about you.

About the not enjoying being with family, after someone dies (however it happens), everyone is sad (on some level) and there may be anger or people sniping at others to deal with their own emotional difficulties. It is rarely a time when things are easier than usual.

When asking your question, you say little about the feelings involved (apart from dislike of travel and not being so close). Also, does your father often say statements opposite of what he wants/needs? If it is possible to know how you feel about this and weather it was a shock or not, it may be helpful in regards to advice that can be given to you.

I don't know your parents. If they are neurotypical then they probably wish you to be there and for you be supportive, even if your brother and you were estranged. People mourn a loss in different ways. Giving them a hug and offering them any help that you are capable of giving is considered appropriate. They have lost someone that came from them and likely feel they failed your brother in some way. They also may be shock and need time to come to terms with it. Your parents will think more highly of you if you're there and you are able to give them some peace of mind. If you do go, commit yourself to not reopening old wounds between you and your parents. Give each a short reprieve. And I'm sorry for your loss of your brother.

You don't really want to go and your father is o.k. with that, so what is the problem?

If at all possible, please go. Your parents are probably telling you not to come in order to protect you, but in actuality, they probably need you very much right now. Weigh the pros and cons. You could have deep regret in the future for not going. I would agree that this is indeed one of those times where you need to do the unpleasant thing. The hard thing is most often the right thing. Sorry for your loss and best wishes on whatever you decide to do.

Over the years I have had a couple of (non-autistic) people tell me, "Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family." (I think it is some sort of "social nicety" .) A few years ago, when my maternal grandmother died, my father told me not to bother to come back for her funeral, but I did, and the relatives seemed to appreciate it. In this case there is not going to be a funeral, but I suspect that this "rule" still applies.

Anyway, I have made the necessary travel arrangements. Thanks, again, to everyone for your comments.

Logan I am glad you are going. You need to go. Your parents need you to be there even if there is no funeral, even if you guys are not too close. This is not 'pro forma", your parents do really need to feel that you care at some level.

Maybe the worst thing about funerals is that you are not allowed to laugh at the silly bits. So, how did it work out?

Dear_one, sorry for the delay in replying. Things went alright. Everyone was on their best behaviour given the circumstances. I spent most of the time cleaning out my brother's flat. As time passes, my relatives are reverting to their usual form . Thankfully, I live thousands of kilometres away.

(Side note. For anyone planning on dying soon, please do your next of kin a favour and get rid of as many of your things as you can before you die. Most of your stuff will just be thrown out afterwards anyway.)

I think that sums up everyones parents. Probably sums up those of us with kids too. There isn't a "parent" gene. You have a few minutes "heaven" and then spend the next 20 years muddling through the best you can.

I'm glad you went. It sounds like it was the right decision.

And a belated "sorry" about your brother.

Wow, people actually do that? When my grandfather died, my grandma was put in a home for elderlies and this year my whole family went through all her and my grandfather's stuff and decided what too keep and what to give to my brothers and I and the rest they did a huge yard sale and sold tons of stuff and anything they had left over, they had The Salvation Army come and get the rest.

I say about myself when this happens to me, I hope to have Alzheimer's by then so that way I won't know a thing. I won't even remember what stuff I have and I won't even know it's gone. I can't imagine my stuff needing to be get rid of and I have no rights because I am old so I would rather have that disease so I won't won't any difference.

Sorry to highjack this thread btw..... but losing myself to Alzeimers is my dread. I'm 44 now and have lived my life in a such a manner that I never expected to live to be old. I never expected to get to 44. But "luck" has been on my side and I've survived. Wow. Fate has a sense of humour. But Alzeimers? No thanks. I'd rather bite the big one while I'm cognitive enough to apreciate whatever irony is left in my situation.