My first meltdown

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I'll be 45 in Dec. & was diagnosed about 3 years ago. I have NEVER been so frustrated as I was the day the following happened

It was about 3 months ago when my daughter went to dh with a major life decision she had made. She had completly decided join the Navy and was adamant that I NOT try to talk her out of it. Now, I am NOT against the military; just am partial toward the Air Force as I was in the AF & know the differences for women between the 2. She told her daddy about it & then they ambushed me (she was not interested in hearing my "AF" view at all). When everyones emotions where way up in the sky, dh called the proudest achievement of my life "equal to a boil on his ass" (because I "only" served 4 years in the USAF & he served 15 in the USN).

My reaction surprised all of us. I screamed the 1 point that I really wanted to get to her & then balled up both of my fists and then punched myself on my chest about 5 or 6 times. The bruises faded about a week & a half later.

My daughter ran & hid in her room after the first fist-fall. My husband just sat there & watched me, horrified. It hurt like h e double toothepicks, but the pain felt good (NOT sexually), I could tell that for the FIRST time in that conversation, I was actually allowed to communicate.

Am I totally nuts or what?

I don't think so but then again I've done worse. Sometimes the only way I can really clear my head is to punch it.... which is probably not good I think.

UR... I LOVE YOUR SIGNATURE LINE!! !

I must have told dh about a million times in the 18 years we've been married that I have no idea what my face is saying!

Yeah. We are married little over 5 years now. I told her before hand that I have a temper but she only ever saw me faking happy until over a year into the marriage. Since then too much stress and she's seen me flip out a little bit, punch walls break my hand. Now she's scared of me and I have no idea how to fix things. Evidently when I lose it I look completly insane and scary. I don't want to though.

I have no idea what I look like when I melted...I only know that both times (I've started another thread about the meltdown I had tonight) I was soooooo frustrated! (Tonight my face was all red after my slaps & it's either those slaps or the fact that it's almost 2am, but my eyes feel all puffy; I'm inclined to think it was the slaps!)

Obviously I didn't plan on having this meltdown (or the 2nd one I had).

NO, I don't like frightening my family.

My reason for starting these 2 threads was to get other peoples insight on meltdowns...they are COMPLETLY new & alien to me!

I would be very happy if I never experience one again in my lifetime

I only wish they were new and alien to me. I only seem to get the wretched things in response to social interractions when I feel I cannot communicate or am not being allowed to communicate, or am being totally misunderstood, which happens frequently when with another aspie. I, in the past, would just start screaming and sobbing and not be able to stop. Now I freeze, start sobbing or punch myself and break my things. I have not found a way to prevent all of this, other than remaining totally alone and avoiding aspie males

I've had mini-meltdowns before, usually during times of overwhelming stress or emotional content. I tend to shut off completely and lose the ability to feel emotions for an extended period of time - not sure if this falls into meltdown territory. When my grandmother and grandfather died, this happened, and I basically went numb for an extended period of time (weeks/months). When my wife cheated on me this happened, and it took me a year to recover (not sure I've recovered completely tbh). However, last week I experienced the first actual "meltdown" that I've had since my apartment was robbed in 2003.

We just had a new baby, and between the stress of recently becoming the sole earner a single-income household in a job I hate, battling an encroaching depression, and the stress of having a pregnant hypersensitive wife who actively thinks she is dying every time something hurts, I was at my wits end. She made herself go into labor, and we had a very stressful but productive weekend at the hospital, and a new baby emerged. The days passed and we came home from the hospital. There were a lot of unfinished projects and incomplete setups in our apartment, as the baby was sudden and I was, for whatever reason, being expected to fill both the role of the provider, and the stay-at-home parent, as my wife hates cleaning (and this was extremely accentuated during her pregnancy). So, one thing led to another after we returned home from the hospital, and our little apartment turned into a battleground over why she hadn't done nearly anything around the house in two and a half years of being out of work, my obsessive behaviors, and whether or not I actually loved her and our children. I usually take these moments to withdraw into myself as I find it very hard to follow emotionally charged battles of will with my wife (or whomever), but she kept pressing me. I warned her... I was reaching the point when I would no longer be able to restrain myself, but she kept pressing on. At that point I pretty much lost track of what was happening, saw red, and a massive screaming match ensued. She threatened to leave with my child, I followed her into our bedroom and let out a maniacal battlecry in her face, and things just went downhill from there.

After the smoke cleared, it took me a long time to regain myself. I was shuddering and beyond words for an extended period. I guess this was a true-and-honest meltdown. I have vague memories of this incident (most of what happened was told to me later by the wife). This incident scared the living s**t out of me - it made me aware that I am not in control of my emotions if I am pressed. I think I need to get this thing professionally diagnosed, and I think my wife needs to come with me during this process, so she can understand what goes on inside of me, and what my emotional and stress limits are.

I usually spend a lot of time where nothing matters, and it is impossible for me to concentrate.

I don't think I have ever had regular melt downs. I've never punched or otherwise hurt myself, and I don't
tend to even destroy any of the things I own.

I do know about frustration and anger, however. Ohhh yes, I know about it!!

When I become really angry it is physical also. My muscles contracts, my heart beat raises and so do my
breathing. At it's worst I stand completely still, afraid to move because if I do I'm afraid I may do something... bad.
This has been a recurring experience (due to a number of issues in my situation).

I deal with it by diverting my attention, and this I can often only do by taking drugs. It's the only way I know of that
works.

In the more every day context I quickly think about something else and busy myself with something I enjoy to do.