Suspicion, but not sure I want to know

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I posted this in another forum before I found this one, but that one is far less active, anyways...

So my wife is confident that I and my son are aspie's. I don't know if I want that designation or diagnosis. She has read books and talked to people that have children that are clinically diagnosed. I have taken the exam, I did it twice, first answering with what I honestly thought and then trying to "fail" it by lessening things that were 100% all the time. Here are the results:

Your Aspie score: 172 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 46 of 200

Your Aspie score: 125 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 86 of 200

I read the symptoms and compare to all the things my wife complains about me and I know is true of myself. The strongest traits are some of the ones I hate most about myself, absorbed in my self interests, emotionally detached. I read some of the topics and one person said something that struck me. Some things I do I don't even realize. Like my hatred of lack of common sense. I getting frustrated annoyed and angry when I feel people can't understand the simplest thing.

I don't know what details you need/want and not sure how to express it other then writing a list. I am tired of having my wife say "you are being aspergers" and blaming something I am or am not doing on it.

Last night was a breaking point for me and a bit of self realization. I was told I was never happy. It seems so true. I get frustrated, annoyed and upset so much I just seem bitter. Most of the frustration and annoyance comes through interaction with people, mainly work colleagues and family, two things I can not avoid.

What I am looking for i am not entirely sure but here is a crack at it a) if my wife has reasonable cause to believe I am aspie and b) what others might do to "be happy" when faced with "social frustration" (for lack of a better way of describing it) c) does a clinical diagnosis help at 30?

A clinical diagnosis is only of use if you need government assistance.

I've had a good job for over 20 years--so I see no benefit.

It may help to have your wife teach you some of the social skills you missed while growing up--it has for me--but this is your choice.

Knowing you have Aspergers should help you avoid meltdowns--you can probably figure out by now how much you can handle before getting overly stressed. Just knowing it is "normal for Aspies" may help the entire family.

I'm currently being diagnosed. I should find out in a few weeks. I'm a couple months short of 28. I definitely think having a professional diagnosis is valuable at any age. It helps a person to recognize, in a formal way, their shortcomings which empowers them to take action to address them.

Sometimes it's just good to know that "this is not some kind of character flaw, it's the way I was designed" and then work around that. I found out when I was over 40.

I am fairly tolerant of idiots but I was the oldest of 6 kids and had 3 of my own, and I guess I just go into older-and-wiser mode or something. You have to be tolerant of little kids not knowing things, and develop patience. My oldest son is rather a curmudgeon in his frustration with idiocy, no tolerance whatsoever. I don't foresee him having kids, either.

You are made the way you are, and they are made the way they are, and none of you had any choice in what you got. If you have a car that pulls to the right, you adjust how you steer to make up for it. You have a faucet that has to be set just so or it drips. You put a folded paper under the table leg so it doesn't wobble. See if you can think up equivalents to those to use in social interactions. Unfortunately, most of us can't be hermits, and we have to deal with those dripping, wobbly people. They probably see you as the one who is dripping or wobbly. All a matter of perspective. We know you are a Corvette trying to haul groceries and bags of cement. Or an 18 wheeler delivering flowers in town. It's pretty hard to use a Corvette for hauling, but it's not a flaw in the Corvette, it's using it for something it wasn't designed for. You just do the best you can.

Maybe if you accept you might be differant from the person we feel we ought to be, it will make you happier and less frustrated, if you take delight in the person you really are, though you will still have the traits, maybe your wife will feel happier if you are happier with the situation?

My intolerance to lack of common sense isn't the only thing, I, in general, get stressed out from social things. Being in a crowded shopping center, large meetings (especially if I need to speak), going to dinner and drinks with a group of people. Add stress of work and family I just don't seem to be happy much unless I am doing a hobby or buying something.

I find physical exertion curtails the unhappiness but I can't be constantly doing something physical. I am a computer programmer so I am sitting in front of a PC 8 hours a day.

Recognizing that a particular situation is causing me anxiety helps a lot but most of the time I can't see it till well after and damage is done. Sadly drinking and cigarettes help but i hate smoking and drinking all the time is not an option either, hehe.

BTDT, i think that is great advice in trying to avoid it, but how do you see it is becoming to much before it is too late or you are committed (ie: going to a crowded mall or something)

It's a raw deal, but it's the only deal in town if you are an aspie.

Learning as much as possible, trying to make the best deal you can for your son's life and generally doing the best you can are the only options that work.

Fuel, have you done this test also?
AQ This online version is identical to the one I took with the psychologist when I was formally tested.

For me the benefits of an accurate diagnosis cannot be exaggerated. I've made more progress since then than I had in the decade previously.

It's not like you have to run around with a neon "Aspie" sign on your head, and ironically having a diagnosis will allow you to become more NT-like.

I have before, just took it again and I scored 48 first time and 42 trying to fail

I am probably the oldest person here for starters. I am also solo.. which is one of the things that sends people scurrying away from me, along with awkwardness, obsessive self-disclosure of details that no one cares about. And here I am.. wondering if this Aspie thing is a clue inside this complicated world I live in.. wishing all I could do is fit in.. have lasting friendships.. and be liked before the end of this life of mine. I love everyone. I have spent my entire life trying to build friendships.. and have no one close to me, other than the my children--greatest addition to this world--who put up with me.

Am I? Or not an Aspie? So many things fit my character.. and it would be helpful to know. I often think I would have a wonderful partner in my life if I could only find someone who was comfortable with my weird side.. the rest of me is welcoming .. if someone were to ever get past my issues. LOL By the way, I do not steal other people's mates, I am not that clever-or attractive.. but if there were ever a lone star who is non-violent.. not too arrogant, I'd probably be too shy to say hello and make any real ground in building more than a wink.
For now I would be totally satisfied with making lasting friends with like minded folk.

I recently realized that all the worst times in my life have come from expecting other people to notice logical connections, and them not getting it. I finally realized, at 62, that life evolved before logic, and gets along just fine without it. Most of what appears rational is just rationalization, unable to withstand an investigation. People are not bound by logical consistency, they just do stuff, and then correct, according to what they notice. "Ready. Fire. Aim."

There are two problems with hoping to be understood. One is the sheer volume of information someone would need to absorb. The other is the duplication of the connections you have made, and how you think. All we can really hope for is a hazy impression that is not badly distorted.

"Being Aspie" is not something one can give up, the way a child might be helped by being told that they are "Being Selfish" or mean, or whatever. I hope your wife can learn to appreciate the difference, and be more constructive. Being Aspie means that we should be trading hard, specialized mental work for care that is easy for NTs, with both sides glad to exchange.

As for being happy, that always seems to come from inside, or not at all, and that goes for your wife, too. You can usually stop making people unhappy in particular ways, and sometimes they get happy in association with something someone else does, but nobody can plan for another's happiness. The only reliable way I've found to improve my mood and acceptance of the chaos around me is to give up on logic and just meditate for a while.

Maybe I'm the only one, but it bothers me that your wife is quick to say something like "You're being asperger's". I mean, that is really cold, to label you as an excuse to put down your behavior and personality quirks. Maybe it's just me, but she needs to think about her own lack of social skill.

I have had an experience that I expect a lot of you have had. . . .after a few years of doctors exploring the possibility of a brain injury from a fall, or rather a developmental issue coming to the forefront, I have been confronted with the possibility of Aspergers. It has been enormously, enormously profound - to think that I am not the strangest misfit on the planet, but like many others who struggle with the same issues that I have spent the better part of 50 years trying to cover up and compensate for. Life has been one big fearful journey. Relationships, Hell on earth. I had come to live in constant self-loathing and despair. But now. . . . learning more about this. . .. all the pieces are falling into place. It's been comforting beyond words. I am looking forward to a formal diagnosis, for my own comfort and sanity.

all the traits you describe sound to me like spectrum traits, so i think your wife has good cause to suggest it.

my SO is 39, and this week and next has appts with a neuropsychologist to undergo testing and get an official diagnosis. assuming everything turns out as we expect, he will be diagnosed with classic autism.

our son was undergoing diagnosis last spring when i realized that my SO fit the criteria too. i mentioned it to him about 3 times before he took me seriously and started looking into it. its been a bit of roller coaster for him since then, the realizations, acceptance, anger over not being diagnosed, etc.

i may be biased, since i am basically in your wife's shoes and just realized last year my partner of 12 years is autistic, but i would encourage you to cut her some slack when she points out things that you are/not doing that are autistic traits. she may be just realizing that these things are not completely within your control. this is a huge thing for you, but its pretty big for her too. there was no "for autism or for neurotypical" when she said i do, so this is a surprise in her life as well. autism can be a huge factor in relationships, so its going to have a big impact on her, and is sometimes a bit of a shock and requires processing.

i will say, the knowledge is very powerful stuff, and if you can both figure out if you are indeed autistic, whether by just researching it or going through official diagnosis, it should prove to be immensely helpful for your relationship.

my SO also presented as "unhappy" for a lot of things. the self diagnosis has helped some with that, its given him understanding of why he was feeling as he did in various situations. he reacts in some of the same ways as you, intolerance and anger towards others, quite often that others was me and it led to a lot of fights. we both now understand that a lot of times, it is a result of anxiety that he is feeling about the situation or location he is in, and we are learning to temper those things for him. if the crowded mall makes him anxious, we go to less crowded stores or go during less crowded times. we make our shopping trips shorter and more organized so we can get out before he gets overwhelmed. we have walked out of a restaurant we both really wanted to go to because it was packed and he simply couldnt handle the number of people in there. better that we both learn to make accommodations for him, than put us both into a position where he will get stressed and a fight is inevitable.

as for how to see you are getting stressed before it happens, try asking your wife =) odds are, she can see the change in your attitude or body language when you are starting to feel it, even if you yourself havent realized it yet.

Hi.

a) your wife may be right but the truth is in self-recognition. Read a book like The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome by Tony Attwood. If you can relate to many aspects he describes, you may have ASD.

b) when faced with unavoidable stress, (mostly social and sensory in origin), I look at the wall or some other blank surface. Fiddling with an object also helps. I also dress in sporty clothes, so when I jump or pace about I look more normal!

Irritability is an ongoing issue and can erode family relations seriously. I recommend scheduling time where you are available for interaction with your family, and time when you are to be left alone. During family time, make extra effort to be friendly. Act if you have to. Alone-time is personal space free of interruption. Having a clear time commitment helps me to relax. I never realised how uptight I was, until I had some space to myself.

c) a diagnosis may or may not be helpful. Certainly learning as much as you can about yourself is beneficial. I am 30 years old and only recently discovered AS, have been informally diagnosed by a psychologist, but I am not pursuing formal diagnosis at present.

If you are having trouble with irritability, target these things:

1. Sensory issues
2. Personal space/downtime
3. Alexithymia (an inability to identify and name emotional states in oneself) if you think very systematically you may be alexithymic, if that is a real word?!

good luck.

What?! I couldn't have the meds I have if there wasn't a diagnosis for them. My son couldn't have the medication he has without a diagnosis. That's not "government assistance", that's medical treatment. That's like saying people with broken legs don't need to go to a doctor unless they want government assistance with it. Makes no sense.