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RightGalaxy
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20 Dec 2010, 1:14 pm

I care for my husband but the one thing that unnerves me is that because he can't stand up to his co-workers, he'll just quit from a perfectly secure, good job. I work so it's not really a financial hassle if he leaves a job but he's done this 5 times in ten years. At times I'd really like to quit too but I get over it, I don't just up and do it. There will always be ballbreakers in every job you go to so you might as well just deal with it. He won't. He rather just walk and I resent this. I could see leaving a job if the benefits are not good or there's no room for advancement but just because your co-workers are competitive, rude, and egotistical, why should you do a runner? People in general are like this. Sometimes I feel as though I'm losing respect for him because he won't tough it out. another issue is that he's become this devout Christian almost overnight praying for his enemies, etc... but I see this as not being really in his heart but just another excuse because he's gutless when it comes to fighting back. I feel like he's using the rules of Christianity as a crutch. I'm further losing respect for him. All of my life, I've never had a man who made me feel safe. Now here at home, he's like a despot...always hollaring about wasting electricity, buying too many groceries, tit, tat, and everything - stupid stuff. I feel like leaving him a lot these days but I won't because I feel that he'll be eaten alive by others. I can almost bet on it that the first hussie that comes around will clean out his bank account because he's such a gullible sap. Thank goodness my two sons will straight away bite your head off if you try to cross them. They take NO crap. But the old man takes and accepts it. As he gets older, he's getting worse. I first noticed this about 5 years or so after we were married but I stuck it out because I expected that age would wise him up but he's getting actually worse. Sometimes I also think that if someone were to take everything - absolutely everything from him, he'd just accept it and live in the street like a homeless man where I would hunt the person down and strangle them to death but I would NOT LET that happen to me. I don't know what to do with this man. I hope I live longer than him to guarantee that my two kids will have an inheritance or at least something. He'll just give it away to anybody spewing a fine line of B.S. i could even imagine his face when this happens - this wide-eyed, glazed over expression on his face as though he had no teeth, nails, muscles, arms or legs to fight back with. Sometimes I like to suggest that he stay home, eat chips, and watch soap operas all day long. What would be the bloody difference?



Last edited by RightGalaxy on 20 Dec 2010, 1:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MidlifeAspie
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20 Dec 2010, 1:27 pm

80% of Aspies are unemployed or unemployable. What you are describing could be seen as the positive end of that spectrum.



RightGalaxy
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20 Dec 2010, 1:29 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
80% of Aspies are unemployed or unemployable. What you are describing could be seen as the positive end of that spectrum.


Good gosh...... Not to change the subject but that is one adorable baby in your avatar!! :) Looks like a natural redhead!! How pretty!!



MidlifeAspie
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20 Dec 2010, 1:33 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
MidlifeAspie wrote:
80% of Aspies are unemployed or unemployable. What you are describing could be seen as the positive end of that spectrum.


Good gosh...... Not to change the subject but that is one pretty baby in your avatar!! :)


Thank you.

Image



leejosepho
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20 Dec 2010, 1:55 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
... he'll just quit from a perfectly secure, good job ... he's done this 5 times in ten years.

Compared to my own track record, that is not bad at all. By the time I was 30, I had an average of more than one job per year since birth.

You are blessed to be in a situation where your husband's issues are not causing financial trouble. Mine crippled me and everyone around me.


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Chronos
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20 Dec 2010, 2:15 pm

There could be a few reasons your husband does this.

If he has AS, he might actually be socially timid because he knows he doesn't have the skills to handle the situation.

Or, he may be depressed and a self defeatist.

Or...and this is going to sound strange, he may feel he is spiritually wiser than these people, and he prays for them because he see's their selfishness and inability to control negative, more primitive emotions as something they can't be blamed for because they are young souls. Further, he might actually be able to understand their logic in why they act the way they do.

Anyway, I'd tell him that people need boundaries and he's not doing them a favor by not setting them.



sacrip
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20 Dec 2010, 3:30 pm

What you're describing in your feelings toward your husband sounds an awful lot like contempt, with pity mixed in there, too. I can't begin to judge the situation he faces at his jobs, maybe the kind of work he does is more cutthroat, maybe he's driven out by more ambitious coworkers who sense he won't fight back, or maybe he just has the bad luck to pick jobs with a higher as*hole ratio than normal. In any event, telling him to "just be a f*****g man" doesn't seem to be doing the trick, does it? Maybe he won't change, maybe he's too far gone to find success in the job market, but maybe he could, if somebody tries something different. I usually don't like recommending therapy, especially for something that should come from within, like self esteem, but maybe it's time to make some phone calls and see what's available.


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Metal_Man
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20 Dec 2010, 3:34 pm

Maybe he needs to find another line of work.


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20 Dec 2010, 4:39 pm

A lot of what is perceived as timidity in the AS personality is just processing problems. We don't think as fast on our feet as NTs do, so when someone starts verbally attacking us, we have a tendency to shut down and not respond at all. If the same situation continues to happen, then its natural to do the only thing you can do and walk away from it. The alternative would be for him to pick up a chair and physically bash the other person to a pulp, which is not likely to solve anything.

Its also a problem that we can't always do things the same way our coworkers do and have to find alternate methods that work for us. This get us a reputation for not following the rules and can cause a lot of friction, but its unavoidable. Its very difficult for an Aspie to survive any work environment unless they have a job that allows them to work alone with little scrutiny, so frequent job changes are pretty common.

It doesn't make things any better to come home to someone who despises you and treats you as less than human for being who you are. I think he would be better off without you no matter what other problems he may run into. Do the guy a favor and set him free. There's got to be someone out there who will like him for being who he is. If not, better to be alone than trapped in misery.


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20 Dec 2010, 5:03 pm

Well, if you can't draw in any allies and your enemy can draw in a lot, you tend to lose no matter how fierce you might be. In fact, too much assertiveness can be used against you if you have no allies, as further evidence that you can't work with "the team." Fierce + allies = assertive, fierce + no allies = anti-social person who has a bad attitude.

And, NT's can employ unbelievablebly complicated social tactics that can produce flabberghasting results. There was post here not too long ago where a new NT roommate to a 4-person shared apartment socially engineered it so that all the others voted the ASC guy out (and he had lived there with the others for some years). Too much of that bullsh*t and you start thinking about saving your energy for the battles that you have a chance of winning.



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21 Dec 2010, 1:51 am

hermithood is the best thing for some people - the ONLY thing for me.



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22 Dec 2010, 1:39 am

We are all going to die, so tell him that, that it's up to him to do something about his life or just be a pushover.

And read Viktor Frankl's man's search of meaning,
best self help book.


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Malisha
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24 Dec 2010, 6:50 pm

Avengilante wrote:
A lot of what is perceived as timidity in the AS personality is just processing problems. We don't think as fast on our feet as NTs do, so when someone starts verbally attacking us, we have a tendency to shut down and not respond at all. If the same situation continues to happen, then its natural to do the only thing you can do and walk away from it. The alternative would be for him to pick up a chair and physically bash the other person to a pulp, which is not likely to solve anything.


THIS!! ! I recently was convinced I was going to have to quit my job because a coworker was harassing me. I had NO IDEA what to do about the situation other than reporting it to management. I didn't understand what management was going to do about it, and it seemed like they weren't doing anything.

I cannot explain how very difficult and stressful, how much energy it takes out of an Aspie to have to deal with a stressful social situation.

Also, when he was harassing me, I just stood there with no idea how to react. All I could think of was 1. ignore it or 2. the chair-bashing solution. I just froze completely. I think of myself as a robot with its gears all locked up and the display flashing 110010101000! I was terrified to return to work, and getting fired or quitting was MUCH preferable to being in a situation with no idea what to do!

RightGalaxy: you seem like you're already done with him, so I'd have to say you're better off alone than with someone you don't understand and don't have any respect for.



RightGalaxy
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27 Dec 2010, 6:57 am

Avengilante wrote:
A lot of what is perceived as timidity in the AS personality is just processing problems. We don't think as fast on our feet as NTs do, so when someone starts verbally attacking us, we have a tendency to shut down and not respond at all. If the same situation continues to happen, then its natural to do the only thing you can do and walk away from it. The alternative would be for him to pick up a chair and physically bash the other person to a pulp, which is not likely to solve anything.

Its also a problem that we can't always do things the same way our coworkers do and have to find alternate methods that work for us. This get us a reputation for not following the rules and can cause a lot of friction, but its unavoidable. Its very difficult for an Aspie to survive any work environment unless they have a job that allows them to work alone with little scrutiny, so frequent job changes are pretty common.

It doesn't make things any better to come home to someone who despises you and treats you as less than human for being who you are. I think he would be better off without you no matter what other problems he may run into. Do the guy a favor and set him free. There's got to be someone out there who will like him for being who he is. If not, better to be alone than trapped in misery.


up yours



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29 Dec 2010, 2:57 am

This behaviour is about control. RightGalaxy, I think your husband is Passive-Aggressive. I mean, He's passive at work and aggressive back home, where he's not afraid of taking it out on you and feels he has some kind of control over things. This is why he leaves jobs - it's the only control he knows how to exercise. This is unhealthy and has to stop. Unfortunately, The other behaviour you describe seems to be to support his passive-aggressiveness. I fear he's entrenching it and doesn't want to change.

In my opinion, he needs psychiatric help, but he's too wimpy to do that and it would mean giving up the control he has. That terrifies him.

With his age and psychology he will need long term psychiatric counseling. How far are you willing to go to get him help?

Otherwise, can you support yourself and the children without him? How will he react if you kick him out and make him find a home of his own and support himself?


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