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TiredGeek
Snowy Owl
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05 Jul 2009, 9:09 am

Since I am new to knowing I'm an Aspie I thought I would ask. I am mainly interested in marriage issues for AS/AS and AS/NT couples.

Wrong Planet seems more geared to younger folks and I get a lot of error messages due to the site being overloaded.

www.asandtheirpartners.org has a lot of good information for me, but it seems to be more of a resource than current discussion, as it doesn't seem too active right now. Also delphi forums like that are so frustrating and slow for me to navigate, yet most of the other Aspie forums I come across are on delphi.

So if you know any online community where the middle aged aspies in relationships hang out, please let me know!



granatelli
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05 Jul 2009, 10:40 am

That's funny. I was just about to post the same question. I'm a mid 40's NT male & my partner is a 40ish recently dxd AS female. This forum is great but I am looking for something that will meet some of my needs as well. This site, while a great resource, has a lot of "Here is what is wrong with the NT world and oh isn't our life hard because they're all such a bunch of jerks!" kind of threads. Which is fine, that's what this site is for. A support group for people with AS. But let me tell you, and I say this with no anger in my heart, it's not always a picnic living with someone that has AS either! : )

So yes. Can anyone recommend a forum for people who are partners of someone with AS? Thanks.



legionsdad
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05 Jul 2009, 10:51 am

Me too! I'm 34, married for almost 15 years; Army vet. Looking for the same thing.



Willard
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05 Jul 2009, 1:51 pm

granatelli wrote:
But let me tell you, and I say this with no anger in my heart, it's not always a picnic living with someone that has AS either! : )

So yes. Can anyone recommend a forum for people who are partners of someone with AS? Thanks.


I can't imagine what sort of helpful resource you expect to find. AS is a permanent condition. No amount of 'couples therapy' can change the way a person's brain is wired. The truth is, Aspies function better, more efficiently and are ultimately much happier alone. Sharing living space with others is constant stress and irritation. Talking about feelings won't change that. If you genuinely love someone with AS, the kindest thing you can do for them is help them find a means of surviving on their own, and visit them at a prearranged time once or twice a week. I realize nobody wanted to hear that, but it's the simple truth. :|



alex
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05 Jul 2009, 1:56 pm

wrong planet is an excellent resource for this type of discussion. make a thread about it!! !



granatelli
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05 Jul 2009, 1:58 pm

OK Mr. Sunshine. What about people with AS who want to share their lives with someone?

Like I said, I know it's not easy to go through life with AS. But trust me, it's not always easy for the friends, family & partners either. I know AS is a permanent condition. I know I can't "fix" my partner. She will always have some of the issues to some degree. But I am looking at ways of trying to make things better. Sorry for having a little optimism and hope. Perhaps all partners of people with AS should dump them. Is that what you really think?


Willard wrote:
granatelli wrote:
But let me tell you, and I say this with no anger in my heart, it's not always a picnic living with someone that has AS either! : )

So yes. Can anyone recommend a forum for people who are partners of someone with AS? Thanks.


I can't imagine what sort of helpful resource you expect to find. AS is a permanent condition. No amount of 'couples therapy' can change the way a person's brain is wired. The truth is, Aspies function better, more efficiently and are ultimately much happier alone. Sharing living space with others is constant stress and irritation. Talking about feelings won't change that. If you genuinely love someone with AS, the kindest thing you can do for them is help them find a means of surviving on their own, and visit them at a prearranged time once or twice a week. I realize nobody wanted to hear that, but it's the simple truth. :|



granatelli
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05 Jul 2009, 2:06 pm

OK. But even better yet would be a "Partners Only" forum, where NT's could talk frankly about living with AS partners. It would be an exchange of ideas, b*****s and general venting. It can be lonely on this side of the fence too. Because not only are we in AS relationships, but, because we are NT we "feel" it even more IMO, where the AS partner obliviously bumps through life. I'm not sure if I'm saying it right but yes, a NT Partner forum would be a great resource for both the NT and AS partner.


alex wrote:
wrong planet is an excellent resource for this type of discussion. make a thread about it!! !



Mysty
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05 Jul 2009, 6:13 pm

Willard wrote:
granatelli wrote:
But let me tell you, and I say this with no anger in my heart, it's not always a picnic living with someone that has AS either! : )

So yes. Can anyone recommend a forum for people who are partners of someone with AS? Thanks.


I can't imagine what sort of helpful resource you expect to find. AS is a permanent condition. No amount of 'couples therapy' can change the way a person's brain is wired. The truth is, Aspies function better, more efficiently and are ultimately much happier alone. Sharing living space with others is constant stress and irritation. Talking about feelings won't change that. If you genuinely love someone with AS, the kindest thing you can do for them is help them find a means of surviving on their own, and visit them at a prearranged time once or twice a week. I realize nobody wanted to hear that, but it's the simple truth. :|


Someone else already pointed out that it's not true that all aspies are ultimately much happier alone.

Also, having Asperger's or autism doesn't mean one doesn't have other issues. Having something that's a permanent condition does not mean one doesn't also have issues that can be worked on. And those issues are different for an aspie than for an NT, and different in an AS/AS or AS/NT marriage than in an NT/NT marriage.

The idea that "I have innate differences and all my difficulties are due to that and I can't do anything about them" is B.S. It's a copout.



Mysty
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05 Jul 2009, 6:16 pm

granatelli wrote:
OK. But even better yet would be a "Partners Only" forum, where NT's could talk frankly about living with AS partners. It would be an exchange of ideas, b*****s and general venting. It can be lonely on this side of the fence too. Because not only are we in AS relationships, but, because we are NT we "feel" it even more IMO, where the AS partner obliviously bumps through life. I'm not sure if I'm saying it right but yes, a NT Partner forum would be a great resource for both the NT and AS partner.


alex wrote:
wrong planet is an excellent resource for this type of discussion. make a thread about it!! !


I think a relationship forum might be nice, but I think and NT only forum does not belong as part of Wrong Planet.



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06 Jul 2009, 4:25 pm

Although there are no forums on WP dedicated to NTs' needs, I think there are many posts here which could provide some benefit to all people, NT and AS, who have to deal with AS at any level. Threads dealing with AS-AS relationships are a great example of this. What some people (NT and AS) don't understand is that many of the problems and complaints that AS folks have when dealing with AS partners are similar to the problems and complaints that NTs have when dealing with AS partners. I'm not talking about very specific things like "I want my partner to have an emotional connection with me, I'm talking stuff like "I want my partner to understand my needs and respect my limitations." Even in the many threads discussing non-romantic relationships, say platonic or family relationships, you'll often find the same lack-of-understanding and compromise issues cropping up time and time again.


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06 Jul 2009, 5:11 pm

You could always start your own. People in long term relationships are probably a minority here. If you want to b***h about being married to somebody with AS then there's a 'hate' site at delphi too, it's mostly wives bitching about how to divorce their AS husbands.

I'm probably prejudiced because I'll never get back all the time I spent listening to people whine about their partners IRL. Never again.



Postperson
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06 Jul 2009, 6:54 pm

On second thoughts, there's plenty of older people here and I don't see why you can't add your whining to the general whining in 'love and dating' section. I almost never read that section, I can't stand listening to people bang on about that stuff.



granatelli
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06 Jul 2009, 8:33 pm

People are just looking for solutions and advice from other people who were or are in a similar situation.

True, some of the partners on some of those sites seem to engage in pointless bitching about their AS spouse. For the most part though they're just venting thier frustrations. On this site some posters w/AS complain endlessly about how f'd up the NT population is as well. I wouldn't consider this a hate site because of it.


Postperson wrote:
You could always start your own. People in long term relationships are probably a minority here. If you want to b***h about being married to somebody with AS then there's a 'hate' site at delphi too, it's mostly wives bitching about how to divorce their AS husbands.

I'm probably prejudiced because I'll never get back all the time I spent listening to people whine about their partners IRL. Never again.



Last edited by granatelli on 07 Jul 2009, 8:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hmmmn
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06 Jul 2009, 9:23 pm

Yep, I'm suspected AS and understand where all the moaning and bitching comes from but the fact people indulge themselves and wallow in their own resentments really turns me off and makes me never want to tell anyone in case they think I'm one of those resentful aspies. It's one thing polluting your own mind with thoughts and feelings like those but encouraging others to do the same with skewed aspie logic is really irresponsible. Just my opinion though I don't expect any agreement here :D



the_wife
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07 Jul 2009, 9:53 am

I would like to see another category added to the forums list for the parnters of Aspies (I am one). Thanks for bringing it up. I don't think it would be out of place here at all.

It shouldn't be assumed that it will just be a big b*tch fest, I think we NT partners could offer each other support and advice on dealing with aspects of being with an Aspie. This in turn could make the lives of our spouses/partners better too. Sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone, and I don't know of any NT's with AS partners in real life.