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liloleme
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07 May 2011, 9:31 am

I love my husband very much...he has always understood me and was even the first to point out that he thought I had Asperger's...he was right.
I have a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis which causes me chronic pain as some of my joints are fusing. It has been very bad for the last three years. So there is that, which makes me feel guilty. I cant do things for my husband or even take care of my house (thankfully Ive been provided an aide that helps with that).
Right now I have my In-laws visiting. They speak French, very little English. I speak English, very little French. Because of my Asperger's It is hard for me to have other people around me. Especially in my house. This is not the first time they have come to stay with us and its always the same. I can handle it for a few days but then I start to feel closterphobic. They are in my way all the time and they do things that make me crazy like wash my coffee spoon and put it away. I have an OCD type of thing with my coffee. My father in law has been wearing the same shirt for three days and he has been working out in the garden. If I leave my room I gag and even though I told my husband he cant just tell his Dad that I think he stinks and hes making me sick.....I wish he would though. He also scares my cats on purpose which upsets me.
My Mother in law is so sweet, she has RA and understands my pain and also is helping me with the house but she is always wanting to touch me and kiss me....I can handle it but I have been using my valium A LOT.
My husband is wanting to go and stay with them this summer for two weeks....I know its only two weeks but Im afraid Im going to freak out on someone and I dont want to do that.
Is it fair of me to ask to go for only one week? I thought we could go for one week there and then take my kids (8 year old son with Asperger's and 6 year old daughter with classic autism) camping for a week. I think that is about all my fusing spine and my nerves could handle. Also as I said my kids both are ASD so they get really stressed too.
I just feel so guilty, anyone have any advice that wont make me feel worse?



zena4
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07 May 2011, 9:48 am

Oh poor!
I wouldn't like to be in your shoes :(

I wouldn't have stayed with my ex in-laws for even a whole but single week.
And they were kind.
But... well.
They were who they were and I was who I was :)

Best greetings for your health. That must be hell to live with that condition of yours.



zena4
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07 May 2011, 9:52 am

Besides that, do you like it here Liloleme?
Was the move ok?



Philologos
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07 May 2011, 10:41 am

Well, I recognize that one. Variants of the same game everywherer in my Inner Circle.

I assume your husband understands and supports and shelters you - or tries to - as best he casn - but there are limits.

You MIGHT be able to say something direct as a couple.

But bottom line - self prerservation first. "I will go for - a weekend, a week, what you can take." But thern I have to go. If he can't pull out with you, your life comes first. If they cannot see it as inoffensive, your life comes first.

You cannot please everyone, you can not do everything - do what it takes to live.



truthbetold
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07 May 2011, 10:57 am

why do you feel like a terrible person?

the fam knows about the AS, right? They should have already taken into account that you have circumstances that are often based on contingencies. :idea:

The only reason you should feel bad is if you're pulling-out-the-crutches (eg using your circumstances as a crutch), which it doesn't sound like at all. Heck, even EMPLOYERS have to give you certain accomodations, and youre talking about people within your immediate meso-system here.

Take Care :cheers:



liloleme
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07 May 2011, 3:18 pm

Wow, thanks guys, you actually have made me feel much better.
My in laws do know that I have Asperger's but I think that they still take things personally. I think they expect me to be a grown up.
I think you are right about taking care of myself and also my kids. I shouldnt push myself to do things that are way way out of my comfort zone. I just want my husband to be able to spend time with his parents and for my kids to know them as well so this is why I feel bad...I feel selfish. My husband is supportive and he did tell me that Im not a bad person and he does understand but I know it has to bother him a bit.

I do like it here in France, they manage my physical problems much better than they did when I was in the US. My kids also both have aides at school and I have my home aide, none of which we would get in the US. Also, I dont have to make much small talk with people while dropping off my kids at school because everyone knows I do not speak much French.



pschristmas
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07 May 2011, 4:26 pm

It's not necessarily an all or nothing question. It's just a matter of making adjustments for your AS. You said you can handle shorter visits, so that seems like it would be the answer. Instead of your in-laws staying for two weeks very infrequently, they could come and visit for a few days, maybe more frequently. As for your visit to them, could your husband arrange for the kids to stay with his parents while you and he stay in a hotel for some private time? That way, the kids get gramma and grandpa, your husband can visit during the day, and you have somewhere to retreat to if you absolutely need the time out.



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08 May 2011, 6:15 am

i was tolerating my in-laws from many years
here in india we dont share any info with inlaws about any disease or family background
everytime my inlaws would visit my mom would call and invite them for dinner
i wouldnt attend because im estranged with my mom who is a narcissitc.
my mom in law thought that because my mom was not giving share in ancestral property
to me i was not attending
then my mom in law would keep belittling my mom, my brother, sis in law etc
one day all this went way to above and i was really frustrated
i just started retorted back to her and asked her firmly
infact i lost my balance and then we had a nasty fight

after that i never wanted them to be near me.....the real issue was my mom
but i cant tell my inlaws about my AS problem neither about me being estranged from my mom.

In india most of the d.i.l have problems with her m.i.l even though they maybe totally normal and not AS


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liloleme
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09 May 2011, 7:35 am

pschristmas, I would love to be alone with my husband but my in-laws dont handle my kids very well. I let them take my 8 year old son (Aspie) to the zoo yesterday and they lost him. Fortunately a nice man took him to a policeman. My son was crying hysterically and running around in circles. He has a medical ID bracelet but he took it off before leaving because the band bothers him. He was so upset he couldnt even write his name for the police officer. Im glad I didnt send my autie, no telling what may have happened. If they had lost her, she couldnt even talk to them....she does have her bracelet though. Anyway, my Father in law has already traumatized her on the last visit because she dropped and broke a glass and he started yelling at her. She still freaks out when anything breaks. So, as much as Id love to be alone and in a hotel :)....Id like my kids to me in one piece, mentally and physically.
I told my husband that he should sit down and try to explain our kids to his parents but I dont know if I will feel safe enough to leave my kids alone with them.

namaste, this is what I am afraid of is that I will just loose it. Even though they know about my Asperger's its obvious that they just dont get it. They are leaving tomorrow but my husband and I will have to work something out so things wont get to the my exploding scenario before we go on summer vacation.



Alien_Papa
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15 May 2011, 12:11 am

Two weeks with the in-laws? Who could take that? I get along with my own parents quite well, but one week is the most that I could spend with them.

No reason for you to feel terrible about saying "no" when a normal person would say "NO!! !!".