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phil_d1111
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26 Jun 2011, 4:53 pm

been with my partner for over eight years now

thing is - it's got to the stage where nearly every conversation will mutate into an argument

consequently we have started to avoid conversations at all

its de facto stuff "what time did you do this", "who was there etc"

We had a blazing row the other night and I said I didn't feel I could speak freely without fear of a row kicking off and things have degenerated since

I mean - if you can't come out and say what you think - what's the point?

Don't get me wrong - I come out with some totally random stuff but I like to flit around in thoughts

we don't have a lot of people we mix with or a lot of things in common when it comes down to it but you get used to the things you know - like the walls in Shawshank Redemption



Farkle27
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29 Jun 2011, 2:20 am

Hi Phil,

My hubby & I used to fight about everything. A lot of it went away when I realized that he felt attacked all the time and was looking for criticism when I wasn't giving any. It took a lot of convincing on my part to make him realize I wanted to help him be less stressed. I read a lot of books and we went to a therapist who had some experience with autism. That was over a year ago since we stopped seeing her and we don't fight anymore. I didn't understand how stressed he was 24-7, that's why he was always freaking out at me and I just freaked out back. Then he'd need way too much sleep to recover from the fight and I didn't understand why he slept everything off. It was a crazy cycle and I'm so glad it's over. Now I let him sleep as much as I can. We have a little 4 yr old and I'm trying hard to help her understand that daddy has to take a lot of naps.

Does this help?



sam_wi
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29 Jun 2011, 3:58 am

sorry to butt in Phil - but I feel this way too.

Farkle - that helps! You have explain exactly how I feel - I feel attacked almost all the time by things my partner says, and therefore constantly stressed. And also I am stressed as a result of other things unrelated to my partner, which then cause me to take things he says as an attack.....and then I sleep it off!....and I am constantly exhausted at the moment, because sleep is difficult for me anyway, and also because we have a small toddler :lol:

Can you share what worked for you?
Can you explain how you managed to convince your hubby that you were wanting to help him be less stressed?

Thanks


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Aspie Quiz: AS137 NT64
EQ-SQ: 13-103

Female & married with 4 kids


Farkle27
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29 Jun 2011, 2:07 pm

Hi Sam,

The cycle was very hard to break. Convincing my husband of anything is next to impossible because he gets into a "zone" where I'm the bad guy. We saw a marriage counselor because I didn't feel like we were connecting and I felt trapped into having 2 toddlers, one who minded and one who didn't (guess which one he was). I wanted to talk about separating because I couldn't take care of my little girl and myself anymore, he was taking all my energy.

Trust wasn't there anymore. We had to start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. That had to have a starting point and we had to sit there and look at each other and say "I'm going to start trusting you. We are on the same team and neither of us wants the marriage to fail because there's still more good than bad."

Having a toddler really made the difference for us. My little girl forced me into a corner where I couldn't have the luxury of babying my husband anymore. Walking on eggshells around him just wasn't an option anymore. I couldn't cook his weird food and deal with his stimming and perseverating and keep it all going while he just bailed and went to go sleep for days. I wouldn't say it was rock bottom, but I had to stop the ride and find a way to say "Either you stop staring at me and get with the program or I walk and you can spend the rest of your life alone." When a little one is in the mix, it really made me realize that he was harder to take care of than her. I don't think he had any idea and once we were both honest that I was being everybody's mommy we were able to renegotiate everything. It's not that he needed me to mommy him, but because of the dynamic, it felt natural for me to just assume that. I love him, remember? Why wouldn't I try and move mountains to help him? He wasn't on board though, he needed to start saying "thanks for dinner, hon" or "why don't you go have some time to yourself and I'll have some daddy time with little girl." He wasn't doing that and I felt alone and used. I can't isolate myself like he can, I need to get out with friends and vent or read to have some me time. I wasn't getting any me time (he counted cleaning the house while everyone else slept as me time).

Does that help? The reason I'm on here is because my parents are coming to visit in a couple of weeks and my hubby always has a crisis when family visits. He gets horrible mouth sores afterwards. The whole time they are here, he sadly sits there and just does what I tell him to do. It's uncomfortable for everyone and my parents are old and crabby and they blame him for being weird. It sucks. Obviously, they want to spend time with their granddaughter but my hubby and I can't really cope with them around. They stress me out and then my hubby picks up on me being weird and sensitive and he gets all sensitive. It's horrible and I'm just dreading it.



phil_d1111
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29 Jun 2011, 3:10 pm

unless I have misread the situation and to clarify

your husband is the AS - right?



Farkle27
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29 Jun 2011, 3:12 pm

Yes, my husband is the AS. :)



phil_d1111
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29 Jun 2011, 3:17 pm

is your husband in work?

by that i mean is he emploeyed



Farkle27
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29 Jun 2011, 3:45 pm

Yes, he's a chemist, like me.



Chronos
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03 Jul 2011, 1:49 am

A lot of times people subconsciously perpetuate these things and the argument actually begins before the conversation starts.

Why don't you try responding in a positive way you normally wouldn't respond?



ToughDiamond
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04 Jul 2011, 10:20 am

My parents used to disagree about all kinds of unimportant details, and it really used to get personal.

I used to get sucked into a lot of that kind of stuff, but gradually I learned to disengage....what's fatal is the (Aspie?) tendency to speak out honestly whenever somebody says a thing that seems wrong. Unfortunately disengaging is in a way becoming less close to the other person....it can look quite aloof and dismissive. But if it makes for a less stormy life than answering in good faith, then maybe that's the way to go.

It seems odd if you're both getting annoyed about any kind of disagreement even if the subject matter has nothing to do with your relationship. That would suggest there's something unresolved between you that keeps rearing up whenever you disagree about anything. Simple disagreement shouldn't normally carry any emotional weight, and can be a very positive process when two people are free to correct each other's thinking and thus arrive at better decisions.