AS needs help making peace w/possible domestic violence vict

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There's a lady I know that I've had a dispute with for a while now in church. She has made some odd remarks about domestic violence in the past. She also has been hostile towards me (she's 57, I'm 29 and 6" taller, and I wasn't sure if she was going to fight) and then hides behind her husband when I suggest mediation. She doesn't show psychiatric illness surprisingly (even despite when I met her I thought she might be hiding psychotic symptoms, but I guess it was just being nervous and lots of Starbucks), so I have a suspicion that she started feeling threatened around me due to observable bipolar traits (she knows about the diagnosis as well), strong and difficult personality even without bipolar symptoms, and some anger issues started to show again, and then avoids me when I propose mediation. I know it sounds thin, but I am basing this on a similar behavior where I knew someone that had a similar problem. Even though I can't prove it, it explains a lot.

Well, now the pastor is going to call us, her husband, and a family friend (24, basically her unofficially adopted daughter). So my question is twofold: 1) how do I get her to relax and avoid triggering her, and 2) how do I avoid her defense (that does require mediation too) burying the issue while still smoldering?

Oh, and is there any safe way to explain to her not to suddenly rush up to me and get in my face, because I have my own mild PTSD issues that caused me to instantly register her as a potential physical threat? Luckily I was taught by my Dad not to throw the first punch but don't get hit with it!

I assume from what you say that your pastor is calling this meeting in attempt to resolve, or at least air, whatever these problems are within a controlled environment in a spirit of reconciliation.

If that is the case, then the pastor should control the meeting, ensure that all sides are heard and have a chance to speak. He or should should also lay down ground rules at the star, including confidentiality, respect and courtesy. The pastor should be the one who takes control and I suggest that if you feel the situation is becoming threatening or confrontational in any way, that you look to the pastor, or ask the pastor, to take a lead.

I think you should speak to your pastor before the meeting about the concerns you've highlighted here, and ask that they be taken into account and planned for. It could be that the pastor could indicate at the start that if anyone feels they are getting "overheated" then they should say so, and you can take brief break or whatever to let people calm down.

>> Thread moved from parents discussion, by moderating team. Reason: Subject of discussion is not a parenting issue and it is more appropriate for it to be in in-depth adult life discussion. <<