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Next week my oldest grandchild will be 6 yrs. old. He is an Aspie and very much like me. I miss him dearly (as I do all my 3 grandchildren and daughter). I know my Aspie grandson loves me and misses me, but I don't think anyone lets him call me.

I am tired of mailing birthday cards and Christmas cards with messages asking for someone to call me (they live 12-13 minutes away by car) only to have them ignored. I was thinking that maybe if I go to where my grandson gets off the school bus, I could hand him his birthday card in person and maybe talk to him for one minute. I fear going alone (I have no one who will go with me). I don't know how my son-in-law will act towards me. He pretends to like me when other people are around, but when I'm alone with him he has no problem with being mean.

My son-in-law and his mother refuse to tell me what's going on. My daughter told me 2 years ago she loves me, but that words are not necessary to express love. When I did see her 1/2 yr. ago, she refused to say anything to me. I have no clue what I could have done that would cause her to hate me so much.

I could truly appreciate her friendship at this time. Very recently, I foolishly had hoped to create a relationship with my 2 estranged (for 18 yrs, since my parents died) older half-sisters. Instead, I made myself vulnerable worse than ever for being shredded apart by the oldest one (the other chose to ignore me and my messages).

My NT husband and Aspie son (age 29) are not much help. There never has been communication among us. I always hear, "I don't know" to almost every seriously important question I ask. It's ridiculous. I wish I could get everyone to go with me for family counseling, but I know no one would be (or ever was) willing.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Wow, Faithfilly, I'm hearing your pain. I'm not sure what the best advice is for your situation, but I do believe that both you and your grandson have a right to know one another. Both a moral right, and a legal right. Showing up unannounced at the bus stop might not be a good idea, as much as you want to connect, it might antagonize them more or scare them. If I were in your place, I think I would try and find someone (and I know that is hard as an Aspie) but maybe really try and talk to your husband or a counciler and get someone to help intervene. An NT who could go to them and help them understand that it would be in your grandson's best interest to know you. Best wishes to you. I really hope you can break through to them.

Hi Faithfilly,

What a difficult position in which to find oneself!

While I can certainly understand your position and definitely your desire to go to your grandson's bus stop, I agree with emtyeye that showing up there might frighten or worse, anger your son-in-law thereby giving him justification (in his mind and possibly in a court of law) to treat you in an unkind manner when others are around in addition to when you are alone with him.

My suggestion would be to mail your grandson's card/letter to his parents' home. If you fear he will not recieve it there, perhaps you could send it to his teacher at school...depending upon his school's policy on such matters.

It does not sound like your husband or adult son are interested in helping you with this problem so perhaps a professional counselor would indeed be the best option.

All of this being said, I do not have children or grandchildren and am not close to any of my family at all so please take my advice with a grain of salt...or a pound of it.

Good luck to you in this matter and all others.

Well, my 22 yo son has nothing to do with me anymore because his crazy crackhead baby mama hates me and convinced him that I'm a horrible mother, etc. (None of the other kids agree with this opinion) and so I don't get to have anything o do with my almost 2 yo grandbaby either. They have nothing to do with anyone in the family except my borderline pd mother, (she sucks up to the baby mama) and my MIL because she has money. So, I do feel you on this.

I do know that you can take them to court for grandarents rights. You should talk to a lawyer about that first, before you show up at the bus stop. That could be misconstrued by the parents and they could go to the cops, get a restraining order, etc.

Good luck!

I appreciate everyone's responses. I think I'm left with no choice other than to continue using the postal mail delivery system. I have no money for a lawyer or counseling services. My living situation places me in that in-between spot where I don't qualify for help and I don't have money for help.

I have thought about social service agencies, but the downside to that is my daughter's mother-in-law has many close connections with people working at these agencies. She has access to all kinds of information. My husband suspects it may be possible that this woman could even be keeping my daughter drugged. My daughter lives in a apartment that is part of her mother-in-law's house. This woman is too intelligent for other people to realize what she's really like. I'm thankful my husband is smart enough to see this, but unfortunately since my daughter is from a previous relationship of mine, he doesn't care a whole lot. He doesn't care a whole lot about me either. He wouldn't have even married me if it wasn't for the fact that I was pregnant with his child and he had no other children; plus, he wanted a child very much (especially a son).

I heard from a neighbor that my son-in-law's step brother's situation is identical to mine in that the grandparents to those children are unable to see them also. If people think it may be creepy for me to see my grandson at his bus stop, they have no idea about the kind of creepy things that go on at this property where I feel like my daughter may be a prisoner. What's weird is how suddenly this all happened and all without explanation.

Every day I try my best to not dwell on this craziness, but each year when my grandchildren are another year older, I feel like I'm losing them. I can't bond with them, but they are bonding with their other grandmother who owns the house my daughter is in.

When my daughter was in the hospital having my 3rd grandchild, I helped my daughter's mother-in-law with babysitting the grandchildren while her son visited my daughter. I suggested I could watch one of the children at my house, but she snapped loudly back, "No way!" How do people handle control freaks? She controls everything in my daughter's household... food, laundry, etc.

I cannot call the apartment where my daughter is. Her mother-in-law will not talk to me on the phone. No one answers their door either. The yard is surrounded by a non-see-through fence. This is far from normal. I don't even think a family counselor would have advice.

My husband's sister's ex-husband (who has known me since my daughter was 4) thinks my life is like a horror movie. He thinks I should write a book about it. I'm too scared to. I don't want to jeopardize the well being of the lives of my grandchildren. As for myself, I already have had my fill of crap to deal with. Who would want more?

Please pray for my situation. I always am. I feel it's the only thing I can do.

You can always as the police to go by and do a welfare check on your daughter and the kids. They will ask to see and talk to everyone who you name in the request. Or you could talk to social services about help with getting visitation with the grandkids. It's your right, and unless there is a valid reason not to allow it (ie; you were abusive to your daughter, you are on drugs, mentally ill, danger to others, etc) then I do believe a judge will grant your request for visitation.

I doubt that you would be jepordizing their lives by doing this. The most that would happen is your daughter and son in law would get mad.

He may dislike you and convinced her to dislike you as well. It's hard to accept, but my sons baby mama convinced him. He was always easily swayed, but he's insisting that all kinds of things happened that never did. Things like us being without food or utilities for weeks when he was a child. Nothing like that ever happened, and I can prove that with the utility companies, although I can't prove it with food, but suffice it to say that my husband and my other kids all agree that nothing like that ever happened. It's amazing what people can be convince of. I wish I could hire a deprogrammer to get my son back, but eventually the loon will either leave him, get committed, actually succeed in killing herself one time, or he will get fed up and leave her, and he will get his head back together and be part of our family again. Until then, I'm just waiting. Your choices are either go to the cops or social services, or wait. It's hard, but it's possible. I wish you luck, perseverance, and all the best.

Thank you for reminding me it's possible to wait. I have lost too much sleep already thinking about this. I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of omen to force me to take better care of myself.

There is a small comfort in knowing there are others who go through similar trials. As they say, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger." I don't want to be bitter. I'm tired of feeling like a subservient dog. People don't seem to be able to know how to properly handle power and authority anymore. It goes to their head.

All I've ever wanted was respect, equality, and fairness. Maybe there are hidden blessings in situations like this that are worth looking for? Actually, there are! That's what I need to be doing instead of letting my mind entertain foolish ideas!

Wow... I actually feel better now! I can't explain it other than to say, "It is what it is because God knows what He is doing."

Im not bitter, but I hate the baby mama. And to think I made him be nice to her because she seemed so nice at first. He didn't like her, but she had fallen for him. I thought she was settled and calm and she could help settle his wild a** down, so I wanted them together. Then I found out she was crazy. Really crazy.

They may not break up and if not, I may never have a relationship with my son again. If that happens, it happens. It's been close to two years since the argument (I yelled at her for kicking him in the crotch. Really thats all. I yelled at her) and I've done what I can, now I'm just waitng for vindication, which is coming, I see it all being set up within the family now. That's fine with me.

What keeps me going are my three other kids, and the fact that one day everybody will see that the baby mama is crazier than a sh*thouse rat, and maybe I'll get my son back.

Waiting is what you have to do. It's what I have to do. Try not to think about it, and move on with your life for now. Keeping things on hold waiting for them won't help anybody. Then maybe, when you don't need them anymore, they will come back. It will be great if you do, because you will still love them, but it's really nice to not need them.

I agree.

What I need is the kind of comfort I got a month ago. I woke up one morning thinking, "To the same measure we love our enemies is the same measure we value Christ’s love." It comforted me back then. I simply need to re-apply that comfort on a daily basis.

I think this is actually your first line of inquiry and, if they're still around you and still blowing smoke like this you may want to think about going the indirect route and sort of trying to draw them into action.

What do I mean? Perhaps organise some get-togethers of family dinners out. Be incredibly good at not bringing these issues up but at the same time divising seemingly unintentional ways of getting them to talk. If they do finally open up (what you want them to do) act like you weren't even expecting it but are candidly willing to listen - and be that, no matter what it is or how off point it might seem to you be sure to keep your reactions as diplomatic as you can. To shut down on a person though typically means that people aren't comfortable sharing their thoughts or ideas with a person, that they believe that they'll get shouted down, ignored, or that the point could get missed completely; if you feel in any way that you've behaved in a manner behind the scenes that would give that impression be sure to have all of your focus on damage repair and, where needed, legitimate change going forward in how your communicating with and receiving them.

IMHO its really messed up that you have this situation on your hands but, simultaneously, something doesn't feel right - ie. I don't think we have the full story. You don't have to tell us what that is if you aren't comfortable sharing that but, you have to know what that piece is and know what that means in terms of the advice we're giving you and how you may need to either reapply it, take it in smaller steps, work on certain habits that you haven't brought up, deal with yet another member of the family you haven't mentioned who could be the influence broker here, etc.

I think I need to make my message easier to understand. No one is being co-operative with me. No one cares, because everyone is content with how things are (except for me). I am the only one who opens up. Everyone else prefers to remain closed.

I have always been diplomatic. If anything, my problem may be that I am too nice. That would explain the disrespectful doormat treatment I get and have always gotten. I wish I had the full story. I want everything out in the open. Because I'm the only one who does, I think that is why I'm brushed off.

I just found this out about my state:

Only lawyers who want to take advantage of someone's sad situation when they can will say otherwise.

My gut feeling is that I'm the recipient of displaced anger. Because others know I can't do anything about this, I'm an easy scapegoat for blame.

My husband just came home. I mentioned everything I've shared here in this thread to him. His exact words are, "...if anything, you're (i.e., me) too nice." He also said I have been and always am highly cautious to not hurt others.

Sounds like you're SOL. With what I said earlier though, what I was really getting at is trying to orchestrate people into conversation with each other and then possibly with you as a byproduct. If they're this brick-walled toward each other as well, you may just be completely and utterly surrounded by self-ers. Not much you can do about that aside from perhaps getting yourself into clubs, active in your city, and getting away from them to have your communication and social intimacy needs met in other venues. Not seeing the grandkids I'm sure is rough but, you can't control other people's behavior and if they want to make choices that are even as blatantly rude as this, there may not be much of anything you can do.

That's probably why my time is involved here on WrongPlanet.net.

P.S. - I sure can relate to your signature by Don Marquis, "If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think, they'll hate you."

Hey faithfilly, I had a late night thought about a resource you might consider: Most cities and towns have Senior Citizen Centers. I think you only have to be over 55 to use their services, and you are 57, I think you said? A lot of these Centers have legal advice and ombudsman programs and are free. If you have one nearby, there could be someone there who could help. Let them know you have cognitive difficulties / social impairments and are having trouble working out the best way to approach this problem. That mother-in-law sounds like a real wing-nut. Seems like you need back-up support, and you and your grandchildren have a right to know one another. Best of luck to you.

That's a load of bull. A cop out to avoid speaking the truth. Not to mention, her actions sure as hell aren't sending the message you want to hear anyway, so of what worth is the comment?

I'm sorry for your dilemma. I wish I had some advice to offer. I'm just sorry you're being treated so badly.

Disclaimer: For those that don't realize this, the above quoted words are not the OP's. They are her daughter's.