Being respectful yet putting my foot down

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I recently stopped talking to my parents over a year ago due not feeling respected. I feel like every time I have talked to my them over the phone, I have been treated like a half of a person. For instance, my dad is always having this pessimistic attitude with me in addition to making our conversations on the phone short and brief with excuses about how busy he is and how he will talk later. On top of that, I do not get along with my mother because she blurts out inappropriate things which always brings the worst out in each other. The last time I talked to them was during Thanksgiving 2010. I was talking to dad and then he was going to give the phone to my mom. I put out red flag warnings to my dad several times day and he did not listen. Just as I had thought, the conversation with my mother was toxic and very negative. This led me to saying some things that I would regret later and end up talking to a therapist about. This was when I realized that talking to or seeing them would be a no no for me at least for a while.

So anyway, my mom, dad, and one of my sisters came through town on their way coming or going on a cruise. They had attempted to call my old cell phone number which I had changed a long time ago since I had gotten a pre-paid plan. I also did not have any minutes on that phone so they could not reach me. This was what my second sister told me.

Upon realizing, I feel like they don't bother to contact me the rest of the year or even ask my aunt why I don't call. Instead, I feel like they are doing it because it was convenient for them. So I wrote to both my sister and explained that it wasn't a good idea to talk to them right now. I also wrote to my dad and explained that it was not a good idea to talk to them since I did not care for the interactions at this time. I also said that he and mom did not appear to respect me a person and that we seem to bring the worst out in each other. Finally, I said that I appreciated the thoughts and that I felt like everyone needed to see a family counselors.

Has anyone else in here had to do what I did?

I wish my daughter would tell me why she stopped talking to me 2 years ago. I would love it if we could have family counseling services. I have no relatives, family, or friends I can talk about this with who care. I also am not able to see or talk with my 3 grandchildren (aged 2, 4, and 6).

I don't have a clue as to what I could have done to deserve this horrible treatment. I thought my daughter (she's 29) and I were close. Boy, was I wrong!

I think there is no greater way for a person to show disrespect to another human being than to reject them without saying why.

When a relationship is toxic it is best to limit it, or end it. Because these are your parents, it is best to try limiting it for now, as you have been doing. I would suggest, though, that you call or email them once a month, just to say hello, see how they are doing, and let them know you are okay.

I lived with relatives most of my life and we all drove one another crazy. It was an unhealthy situation. I have lived alone for the past 6 1/2 years, and this is much better for me, and I get along better with my relatives most of the time now. NTs have trouble dealing with people on the spectrum, and we on the spectrum have trouble dealing with NTs, so now that I no longer live with my relatives, we don't have to deal with each other all the time. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but mostly we keep in touch by email.

With the problems you have with your relatives, I do think that you should continue limiting contact, at least until you are ready for more. But, do consider those once a month calls.

I don't really feel like calling them for a while. I just feel like they think of me as a half of a person rather than as a whole one. I also don't feel like they really respect me as one either. I had tried contacting them once a month but then my father and mother did did some things that I did not approve of and made me feel angry. Every time I talk to them, I feel like a pile of dog crap.

My mom used to have an acid tongue (now she has dementia).

I got a haircut once, and made the mistake of asking her if she liked it.
She said, "I'm hoping you'll grow out of that soon."
Mind you, I was about 25 years old at the time, and the haircut was a bob. So I really don't know wth that was supposed to mean. She managed to not only say she didn't like the haircut, but also imply that I was not an adult because of the hairstyle I chose. Thanks, mom.

When I told her I was getting married, she said, "I suppose I should be happy for you." Yeah.

If it makes you happier not to talk to your parents, then definitely don't. I understand where you're coming from. Maybe send them some cards throughout the year, so it's not like you've abandoned them. That way they don't get a chance to respond.

You don't give your age, but I'll assume you're an adult, and as such, no one can force you to have contact with anyone, family or otherwise.

But I'll just point out some obvious things, if I may.

If your relationship with your parents is as bad as you say, then someone here has to change if it's ever going to get better. Do you agree? In an ideal situation, both of you would realize that compromise is called for from both sides, but it doesn't look at though that's going to happen, at least not right away.

So what are your options? It seems pretty obvious to me that if you don't do something, the two of them just might carry this toxicity to their graves. Is that what you want? Perhaps it is, in which case, you don't have to do anything. Let it be. I would think long and hard before choosing that path, however. You only have one set of parents.

At any rate, the essential point I'm trying to make is that the choice is yours.

Yes. The circumstances were a lot different, and it was only with my mother, but yes. I won't go into detail, because it's quite a long story, but will say for now that the end result wasn't a very good one when all was said and done. In spite of that fact, I have no regrets for putting my foot down. It needed to be done. What I said needed to be said, and frankly I feel a much better person for it. Stronger, and far more sure of myself than ever before.

From what you've described, I think you handled the whole thing pretty well. Very adult. Things between you and your parents may or may not improve, but if you never do take the reigns and responsibility for your own well-being, that's never good. I think that's exactly what you did, and they now have two choices, work with you to improve things, or quit putting toxic negativity into your life. Nobody needs that.

At some point, all parents need to quit treating their offspring like children, no matter how they feel about their decisions.