Help with mature Aspie-Aspie relationship please!
Not really sure how to start this, but here goes. I am a 30-something Aspie woman, with all the social capacity of a squashed frog, but have learnt enough social behaviours to have a good job. Unfortunately, over the last year I have made friends with a male Aspie at work and this has turned everything upside down in my world. I say unfortunately, but obviously there are positives: he's the only person I've ever met who has seen almost all aspects of me and is totally unphased by them. He gets me in a way that other people don't & he can explain to other people what I am trying to say, as his social skills are better than mine. He never seems to get bored of me or annoyed by me, just accepts me the way I am and I love the feeling of being able to be totally relaxed with him. We are gradually establishing a relationship and we both care very deeply about each other even though we don't show it in conventional ways. We seem to talk the same language and he has brought sunshine into my life.
However, the downsides that I need help with are these - firstly, I can't stop thinking about him. I mean, in order to distract myself, I tend to research another obsession, just to get my mind off him, but he is always there in the back of my head. When he's not there, I seem to miss him and when we split up once for a few weeks, we both hurt and ended up back together because it felt so much better to be together than not. I'm not used to that. I'm used to not missing people - it's nice to be with them for a short time, but if they're not there then I don't think about them. I don't like spending more than about an hour with people, even good friends & am not used to feeling strong emotions, other than anger, irritability, excitement and contentment. So feeling sad because he's not there, happy because he is, caring what he is feeling and worrying about him if he is upset is really hard work for me. Sometimes I get fed up with feeling all the time, as well as the constant thinking that goes through my head & then I don't want to be with him, but I can't stay away from him. We're together a lot at work and we chat online every day, I can cope with his company for hours and he's the same, even though he doesn't like spending time with people either. It has eased a bit since we met, but I just wondered if anyone had any suggestions on how to stop thinking about him so much/feeling so much because of him, or whether this is meant to be an enjoyable part of being in love????
The sexual side of our relationship is moving on gradually. We both want to move it on, but we are enjoying taking it really slow. We are both quite obsessive about finding out all about the other person and not making a wrong move, so at times it can be frustrating - when I want to reach out and touch him but it takes a massive amount of effort (gritted teeth almost) to do it. I am learning to do it in spite of the effort it takes & he is learning to show me a bit if he is feeling sexy, so I feel I have his permission to touch him. The making out we've been doing has been fantastic. We talk a lot about things & we have been able to be open with each other in a way we've never been with other people, discussing sexual fantasies and telling each other in advance if we're likely to want to get physical soon! It sounds so odd now, reading what I've written, but it's the most normal/natural relationship I've ever had. We are going away on holiday together in the summer and I worry about it. Not just because we haven't actually had sex yet (which is very unusual for me, as I enjoy sex and don't enjoy waiting) and were planning on doing it then, but also because we won't have our usual obsessions to occupy us when we need time out.
All of my previous relationships were very different to this & I'm learning all the time how to have a proper honest relationship, but we're both avoiding talking about sex on holiday. Should I bring it up so that we discuss it or should I just leave it and let it happen naturally?
Sorry if these are daft questions - I've had several long-term relationships but I've never felt this way before and I could really do with any help.
Thanks
Wotsite
LovingTheAlien
Blue Jay

Joined: 19 Apr 2009
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 95
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow

I believe this is what it means to be in love. Most people on the planet will be able to testify that it can be horrible to be in love


Usually love turns your world upside down and makes you go more or less insane. Don't worry - what you are experiencing is perfectly normal

Yeah, the thinking about him all the time is just the way it is I understand it can be frustrating though, but I don't think it's something you can consciously choose to stop doing. However I expect it will diminish some with time, guess you'll just have to wait..
My first thoughts about the sex thing is that combining first time with first holiday may not be a good idea. I see a potential for a LOT of extra stress there, and a lot of pressure on the both of you. Is this what you worry about too? Like you're saying yourself, when you're outside your normal environment and your normal routines (not having your normal "obsessions" to turn to when you need time out, etc), adding an extra new thing (sex) could be just too much. But of course I have no idea how well you'd be able to cope with that, maybe it would work well for you.
I also think if this is something you think about a lot, it would be a good idea to discuss it. Maybe he's thinking/worried about it himself?
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