18 Oct 2013, 11:11 pm
For me, a meltdown and flying into an uncontrollable rage are pretty much indistinguishable.
It's been happening since I was very young.
Growing up my older sister would deliberately push me into them.
Even when I was older and had been to an anger management therapist (no AS diagnosis at the time, it wasn't even in the DSM then), and I would ask and then beg her to stop, she wouldn't.
Apparently I beat her up almost every time.
I don't really remember the meltdowns, just running to my room and crying afterwards.
I have had two severe public meltdowns as an adult.
One when I was 20, which indirectly led to my diagnosis and led directly to my sister not speaking to me from that point on even though no one actually got hurt, and one earlier this year, the first in well over a decade.
Interestingly, I was able to prevent myself from actually doing anything to the guy this time, probably both because I was at work and because a coworker kept calm and talked me down, but I almost did, and I scared the s**t out of the guy.
I'm shocked I was able to hold back.
I was shocked at the time.
It was the first time I've ever been able to stop myself.
Still, the guy was out of line, and I'm kind of glad I scared him.
I also have misophonia related to certain very high frequency sounds (mostly produced as harmonics when people whistle, but screaming babies and children and untrained sopranos also produce them) which triggers a rage response, but I've sublimated that over the years and I deal with the need for endorphins by biting my fingers and/or my arms which admittedly earns me a few strange looks when I do it in public, but it's the least socially unacceptable way I'm aware of of quickly generating endorphins on demand in almost any situation.
Ah, the joys of being an aspie. 
06 Nov 2013, 11:42 am
16 Nov 2013, 1:00 pm
