crippling flip flop indecision....

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I need to hear from others that face this crap every day ....

I'm okay at my work in fact regarded as v clever in my own niche activity but crippled with indecision elsewhere, even deciding when where and what book to read or even worse where to go in my car for a walk out with my dog .... i think too many years alone from the earliest days, isolated, tho never feel lonely (tho I'd never admit it ... )

the big one is my indecision/ flip-flop problem with where to actually physically place myself, ie to work, to go out into the landscape with my dog, or what ! ....that is why i have joined up here, i need to hear from others that suffer this. Sometimes i just go to work to place myself somewhere behind doors where nothing can go wrong .....

Five years on and off with an email and occasional skype friendship with a woman in the States (UK here) has left me like a lovesick puppy, pathetic huh. she too is prob aspi. we clicked and i crave her. my own wife has a tongue inherited from her nasty mother, like a razor. and can change in a second, as if "I didn't say that" routine .....

i also have a problem now going into my garden, a fantastic and wonderful place its been a problem on and off for years twenty two in fact and probably too many hours here at the computer is making it worse, also what was a lovely old orchard is now a light industrial zone just over my back wall and again I am filled with fear and reticence that can easily or might easily spill over to verbal abuse, anger. I have to keep myself separtate. At work in shared premises I have to be particularly careful and generally confine it to a breezy 'hello'.

I even quite seriously thought of hiring someone to stand in the garden with me and pretend to be my firend, maybe an out of work actor. My wife is clueless, she is dead from the neck up, i should have realised.

i need help, sometimes I am a hairs breadth from wanting to be violent to strangers over slight trifling things. I think the problem is too many years alone, at school it was mostly hell, moved around for no rael reason other than shit-head parents.

my typing is deteriorating, my memory worsening, i try not to drink after thirty years of a nightly two bottles of beer, now it had progressed to three and I have developed stomach problems, I have ongoing muscle/ body stiffness which i think is booze related hence trying to have some nights with none. otherwise i appear fit and good for my age (54) ... even good looking ! ! .. but i feel as ugly as hell .

the remedy all these years is to certainly be aware of all this pent up anger (s**t childhood) and focus on my positive interests, i also veer to obsessive / compulsive which does not help ... these computers are a killer for that and stats ... forget it ! !

i've tried a trick cyclist, all he said was ... 'think happy thoughts' .. but the uncertainty of being self employed for thirty years is not easy, i now no longer have any local customer base, was excluded and frozen out (that really was hard to take, percsonally and financially) and there were connections I was not aware of that wished to exclude me .. and I cannot work among ppl .. triggers deperession big-time !

wow .. i suppose a happy smiley is out of the question .....

postscript : the book thing is wrong, I have no problems there, it is mostly a thing with driving the car to places of free choice as dog walking / recreation, something that is very important to me.

I can explain this very simply neurologically speaking.

If you are hyper-analytical like myself, then you will have trouble breaking out of it. This can lead to neurosis, obsessive thinking and associated anxiety with procrastination.

Tests on brain damaged individuals shows that on individual who have sustained damage on the area of the brain with is involved in subjective leap of faith creative thinking have extreme difficulty making up their mind, because they get stuck in a deductive analytical loop.

Now I'm not suggesting you are brain damaged, what I saying is analysis is always an on going process, in order to break out of the analysis you have to make a subjective decision. In fact that is precisely what that part of brain does best, regulate thoughts.

You need to lean on your creative side, and make a truly subjective decision.

If you are asking yourself how or why, you are doing it wrong. You need to just do it, and not ask questions.

This takes a bit of practice and self discipline. The key thing is noticing the signs of when you are over-analyzing. So you can then respond by blanking your thoughts,. This can extend to any disruptive process such as filling you mind with meaningless gibberish, the equivalent of going "la la la" over someones conversation. The mind can be very deceptive, so you can easily find yourself doing it again, so you need to persist.

Another thing is not to make up excuses or come up with explanation of why you can't do it. This is reverting to the undesirable behavior.

Remember you brain is not just about you as a person. Self is a fraction of the brain's function. People wrongly only asses biological function, purely relative to self. It is a very high order function, based primarily in the frontal lobe, which can sometimes willingly waste resources in fruitless exercises.

Overall brain health is exactly that. Get over yourself to put it bluntly, then your brain can get on with what it does best.

Even the most brilliant thinkers have to draw conclusions eventually. This is the equivalent of getting off the merry go round. They made a decision to get off that point, and that decision is subjective.

Having re-read you post, it seem to me you have generalized anxiety, with slight disordered thinking, with frustration leading to rage.

Isolation can do this to you. Yes it is true the ASD people need alone time. That is true. However being isolated, your brain is not noticing certain aspect of life, and therefore it has no choice but to fill in the gaps itself. This can lead to paranoia and anxiety,

What I suggest is starting small, focus on some activity that you do once a week with a small number of people, that can be separate from all other aspect for you life. The key think is to not to preempt it with presumption of relationship, friends or more. Just focus on acquaintances or more accurately "context friends". It could be something like volunteering, or some kind of sports activity. You find something that is going to place you in a group of just a handful of people.

The rest of the week you can be alone, just take this time an absorb, and try not to judge people. People are imperfect, you know this already,

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Your frustrations whilst not nice, are anyone else's fault. You need to realize this. It is a common reaction to resent others when you are in predicament. but really it is not down to them. You need to stop it, and direct your frustrations elsewhere other than violent thought againt other people.