Very Frustrated with So-Called Friendships

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When I was a kid, it was mostly bullying, teasing, and abuse. Now as an adult, it is basically being ignored and dissed.

Either way, it is hurtful and humiliating.

I have had 3 friends pull away from me and avoid me by not returning texts and phone calls over the past 6 months, and being very noncommital and busy when I suggest doing something. This has also happened many times previous to this year. My husband insists it is just that most people nowadays are very busy. However, about 85% of the friends I make end up doing this with me. The most exasperating thing is, these are the same people who, when I told them I had Asperger's, say something like, "you seem perfectly fine to me", "we are all handicapped in some way or another". They act like they really like me, but then after a point they begin to refuse to return phone calls, texts, or emails. It is the most maddening, frustrating thing. I really don't see the point in asking them why they are avoiding me, because I doubt they would give me an honest answer anyway. Besides, I feel I would be degrading myself, especially since they already won't respond to me anymore anyway, why would they respond to yet another text of me whining "why don't you like me anymore"?

Has anyone else here with AS had a similar type of experience with this?

Yes I have and quite often-its too painful to explain here again what happened but it isn't only NT's but Aspies that do it too

Yes, that has happened to me or quite similar things. I gave up on the idea of real life friends a long time ago. I do have a couple pen pals.

Same here. I've come to realize NT's don't want to hear about problems. They socialize to forget them, I feel we're inclined to socialize to address them. Imagine a civilization that did that! I've also come to realize that discussing my differentness with them is like discussing my combat experience with a civilian. I could spend every breath of my life explaining it, and they would be no closer to understanding it. I have to accept their ignorance, but I take pride knowing I help them have it because combat is a horrible experience I wouldn't wish anyone to endure.

Thanks for the replies. It's beyond my ken how people can be so dishonest. I would love to hear some more specific examples, and anecdotes of these things happening to you.

Yep - this has happened to me! It is actually comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing, but at the same time, I'm sorry that you have also had to experience rejection from so-called friends. I have also given up on the idea of real-life friends - I am hoping that I'll get to meet more Aspies next year though, and that might make a difference.
Most of my concrete examples revolve around wanting to do things like go to art galleries or exhibitions and asking people to come and then being ignored. In fact, I've only once managed to get "friends" to come withe me to an astronomy expo - and they disappeared for most of the night so I might as well have gone alone. I notice that people ignore my emails and messages when I say anything remotely "real" like how I am feeling or things that happened in my childhood.

All in all, I hope you can find a way of coping with the situation - I know it must be difficult. Good luck!

OK, here is the latest anecdote of mine. Bear with me, because I'm going to get long and ranty.

I'm in a 12 step program for an addiction. The 12 step program stresses absolute honesty. In fact, the 12 steps revolve around getting honest with ourselves and others, and spirituality, and helping each other. In the fourth step we take a personal inventory, and in the fifth step, we share it with someone else. In case you are not familiar with sponsorship, it is not a typical NT social relationship. One actually comes out and asks someone else point blank to sponsor them. With a sponsor, the whole point is to be honest and real, not to hide behind a facade. The point of a sponsor is to help us work the steps, guide us in how to apply the steps to our lives, help us to stay sober. They are the one we are supposed to turn to when we have a problem. Well I asked this woman to be my sponsor in January. The first few months were really great. She seemed really happy to sponsor me, and actually said she would be honored to sponsor me when I asked her. I did a very thorough and VERY honest 5th step with her. I told her stuff I've never told anyone else, and that is how a good fifth step is supposed to be. I worked hard at doing the 12 steps. I also shared my joys and victories and spiritual growth with her, so it wasn't just me calling to gripe all the time. At any rate, a couple of months ago, she wouldn't return my calls at times. Then a month ago, she said "You know, you can go ahead and get another sponsor if you want to.". I asked, "Are you saying this because you no longer want to sponsor me?" She said emphatically "Oh no!". Still, I didn't quite get why she said that. Not long after that, she was mostly ignoring my calls and texts. I finally got the idea that she really couldn't or didn't want to sponsor me. What was so confusing, is that in the past she was so supportive, telling me I was working a rock solid program, I was really growing spiritually, etc etc. She seemed to be very supportive. So, I finally texted her, saying perhaps she was too busy to sponsor me. She answered back that yes, I was right, and that I needed a different kind of sponsor. (I wasn't sure exactly what this meant)

What really burns me up, is that I feel like she basically dissed me. I would have been OK if she had been up front and HONEST, and just told me outright that she could no longer sponsor me, because of X, Y, or Z. Instead, she was dishonest, and chose to just ignore me. I feel that was hypocritical, and disrespectful of me. Honesty is actually one of the 4 absolutes of this 12 step program.

Now I'm wondering, were all those supportive words she said to me sincere? Was all the stuff she said to me just insincere bu!!sh**? Is all the stuff these people spout off at meetings just stuff they say to sound good? How many of these people actually walk the walk, and how many are just full of hot air?

A sponsor/sponsee relationship is supposed to be sacred, and to hear others talk, it can be a truly wonderful and healing thing. So, to have my sponsor diss me by not being honest, and refusing to communicate with me is especially hurtful. It would have been much different if this were just a casual, superficial friendship.

Wow - now that's pretty rough. I was struggling with addiction myself but didn't follow a program, and if I had, what you are describing would feel to me like complete betrayal. She has basically abandoned you when you need her most! That's incredibly painful for anyone to have to go through - I'm sorry this happened to you. Not only that, but she wasn't open and honest about it like you were, and waited for you to get the message indirectly - that's just mean in my opinion. I can't imagine why she couldn't just have said that she was uncomfortable and explained what she was uncomfortable with.

I wish people would understand that an honest negative answer is better received than candy-coated BULLSH$#%

Yes, I do agree. I am continually amazed at the dishonesty, manipulativeness, and lack of integrity in a lot of people. I have just decided to let her go. I don't feel that I could trust her anymore. I have difficulty discerning the right person when I choose a sponsor. That is what my husband tells me. I believe he is right.

Do you all think I should confront her with her lack of honesty?

How can I get better discernment in choosing the right sponsor?

Interesting questions - I am all for confronting her and explaining how she has disappointed you - although to clarify, is a sponsor also a person who has previously been through the program themselves? It would be great to hear an actual honest explanation from her side. Most importantly, I think it would be good for you to communicate your feelings to her, because that is also part of being totally honest.

Discernment is a much more difficult issue to address - but I hope you can be as direct with your new sponsor as possible. Hope others come along and offer some better advice on this point - preferably someone who has a sponsor or is a sponsor themselves!

I can not tell you how frustrated i am at age of 21 with all these 'friendships'!..no i was frustrated with them a long time before...the frustration has just peaked after recent events which is also the reason for my major depression and anxiety!!

I don't know what's wrong with people?? If they don't like us then just say it...why back stab??? I absolutely hate people..yah you guys are right there's absolutely no hope..don't get too friendly, don't open up your heart to anybody..there's no such thing as friendship!!

I can understand how much you want to confront her..but i personally believe it's of no use..such people lack any moral whatsoever and it's best to just stay away from them and don't think about them..just block the thought of them!!

OK, the computer just wiped out my entire post.

I'm TOTALLY frustrated by the utter insensitivity and lack of caring of so many people. I tell them I have AS, and some of them actually say "You know Jennifer, we all have some type of handicap". WHATEVER! They have NO IDEA!! THEY should try dealing with prosopagnosia, CAPD, language comprehension issues, pronoun confusion, major sensory issues, executive function problems, major social difficulties, clumsiness and naivete on a 24/7 basis! The worst part of AS for me, is dealing with OTHER PEOPLE'S PROFOUND INSENSITIVITY, LACK OF COMPASSION, AND JUST SHEER IGNORANCE! What's even worse, is that they just don't give a rat's A$$.

It's bad enough if it's a flaky fake so-called friendships, but I have found that it hurts even more when it seems to be that one "good" friendship that goes to utter s**t after a number of years. Eventually peoples true colors come out it seems, and that's exactly what it is.

I have this ex-friend. I met her at school. We had the same obsession with the same music group. And we both were aspie. you would've thought it was perfect, right? No. She was a lying, manipulative selfish jerk. Everything we ever did as friends was always on her own terms. So instead of her coming here, she always had me come there. Finally, she would do things, and expect me to osmose whatever was going on to know without her telling me and get mad when I didn't know. You would've thought the understanding was mutual, but she was essentially without a backbone to her manipulating NT mom and aunts and grew used to their evil ways. There was a concert we were supposed to go together to (curiously it was this same music group). She flaked. We made plans again for the next time they would come to town to put on a show, and she couldn't get her entire way (because the same day just happened to be my nephew's birthday party), she gave a big stink. We tried to make it happen again, then that day, I felt extremely under the weather, dizzy with what seemed like the food poisoning plague and I couldn't stand up and was relegated to the couch with a fan blowing on me constantly. When I stood up, I felt like hurling my guts and passing out. She got further mad at me that I bailed on her because, well, you aren't going to be enjoying a music group, if you're in the nosebleeds throwing up on the people in front of you then fainting on top of vomited on people. Then after the show she texted me trying to rub it in my face and snub me saying that it was a great show when I spent the night in the ER. What a dick. Haven't had a reason to back to her part of town since then either. Good riddance.

Seems to me that I'm not the only one to have long-term friendships go sour in the nastiest ways. I was talking to my now much better truer best friend (he also has AS-- he unfortunately lives in a different state) and he had a long-term friendship go craps on him too. This guy he knew since high school. And they would (typical of living in the middle of no where) go do everything together. Eventually, after a fall out with his family, my friend moved to another state, and this guy came to visit him multiple times. He noticed a pattern of how drama seemed to not just follow this "friend" guy wherever he went, this guy, he invited it to dinner, brought it to bed with him, slept with it and coudln't stop fighting and manipulating it because he loved it too much. And he felt compelled to share this slut named drama with everyone he knew. Pretty soon my friend realized that his "friend" never took his advice because he enjoyed the attention and notoriety that drama brought to him. But my friend knew "friend" well enough he could predict his behavior too, and "friend" hated this (like my friend would be like "no, you won't do this, knowing you, you'll probably end up doing this" and he would end up being right). "Friend" actually now calls him something like "jesus f**cking oracle" or something like that just because "friend" is that predictable in his behavior patterns yet his mind is blown by my friend's power of observation. Since several months ago, my friend has cut all contact with that zoo of drama ("friend", "friend"s on/off again wife/xwife, and "friend"s mistress). He realized something. That all this "friend" did was bring him down (in high school "friend" did this by manipulating girls my friend had crushes on to sleep with "friend"), take advantage of his generosity, and basically do nothing in the best interests of my friend. So he has ignored all attempts by "friend" et al to contact him, and has been much happier since.

Looking back on our experiences with friendships gone bad, it's easy to see where our selfish "friends" took advantage of our good attributes.

Unfortunately, I've found that people with character and personality disorders seem to latch on to us aspies. We are an easy target for them, because we are often desperate for friendships with due to or social deficits. At least that is how it is for me. I believe that I give off an aura that certain predatory people can detect, although not as much now, as in the past. I've learned to depend upon my faith in Jesus more for friendship, and so am not as dependent upon other people. ANd that's a good thing, because God made me AS, and He accepts me as I am.

Anyway, I too have had friendships with various people with character and personality disorders. Usually they have taken advantage of my idealism, naivete, and my inability to read between the lines and determine their true intentions. I take what they say at face value, hence missing their ulterior motives to take advantage of me, bully me, and manipulate and control me. There are a lot of crazy messed up people in the world. My husband tells me over and over that I lack discernment in choosing good friends, and he is right.

I've recently come to figure that out as well. Many people prefer to live in a fantasy land rather than confront problems head on. It's still a head scratcher to me but at least I understand it a little. Ditto on the 'combat experience' example. Nobody can understand my bullying because they think that 'everyone gets bullied'. That may be true to a small extent, but most schoolkids didn't face daily abuse, were excluded from every activity, live in constant fear and not know when a friend is going to assault you to gain popularity. I literally had the entire class against me at one point and I was the target of all their pent up anger. Unless you have been there, no have NO IDEA how bad it was and no matter how long I spend explaining what I experienced, nobody 'gets it'. I always used to get naive answers like "you should have fought back" which is as silly as telling me to fight back against a group of heavily armed US Marines but I digress....


I can't disagree with what you are saying but you are at an age now where people slowly start to smarten up. Don't make the same mistake I did and wall yourself off from any potential (true) friends. Yes, it seems like true friends don't exist but they do even if they are rare and hard to find. Be skeptical and learn from the past but don't assume everyone is out to get you: it took me a LONG time to get over that attitude and while it's perfectly understandable, it's also an unproductive reaction at your age.


Yep, I was so desperate for a friend: any friend in Junior High that a few people took full advantage of my naive and trusting nature. I took everything they said at face value when in reality they were just pretending to be my friend so they could humiliate me even more. As a teenage Aspie, this was literally beyond my comprehension. I knew what a lie was but had no concept of those who meant the complete opposite of what they said.