Intermediating for Aspie Roommate

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I live in one town during the week and in a neighboring town for the weekend. During the weekend I live with my aspie nontraditional family member and now our new NT roommate, who is about 10 years younger than us (I'm 35 and my aspie roommate is 36).

My aspie roommate is very good at passing for NT and most NTs don't realize that he's not NT. He also has an IQ of over 160 and he usually hides this as well, by not correcting people when they say things that are wrong, and suppressing himself when he wants to monolog. And honestly, most people in the world are so far below an IQ of 160+, they can't tell he's so smart.

I know that my new roommate is stressing my aspie roommate out when I'm not there. I got a text this morning from my aspie roommate saying the new guy kept him up all night telling him about his emotions and "forcing" him to eat a burrito. My aspie roommate has food sensitivities and eating the "wrong" kind of food for him is like eating a bug. And then my aspie roommate has a 9-5 job so he had to get up early and go to work after this nighttime emotion and burrito adventure.

The new roommate knows our aspie roommate has Asperger's, and I got him aside and told him how high his IQ was and that he's just "quiet" about it, but I don't think he's getting it. I don't want to disrespect my aspie roommate by clearly describing Asperger's to the new guy because I don't want him to think my aspie roommate is disabled, but I'm concerned for the my aspie roommate's stress level.

Should I just wait for the new guy to figure it out on his own?

You’re probably going to have to spell it out for him, with your aspie’s permission of course. Some people just are not insightful enough to figure things out on their own. Also good for you for looking out for your aspie’s well being.

I'm interested in your Aspie roommate's story, because I learned late in life that my IQ is way up there and I don't know how to deal with it. For some reason, people patronize me and/or just refuse to accept that my decisions are mine and they are final; in other words, people (mostly NTs) don't talk to me or treat me as if I am intelligent which drives me batty. If you can pull off getting the NT roommate to back off without offending them, then kudos to you ... and then come back and tell me how you did it! lol

Is the aspie room mate an introvert? If yes, then explain to the NT what an introvert actually is. Does the NT know what anxiety is? That too could be explained.

I had to explain to one of my friends from work, what anxiety is, because he was rambling on about one of his friends that has anxiety and that he should just move on, or walk it off. So instead of getting upset about it, I thought I rather enlighten him, about what happens for me. He was a bit surprised hearing it, I'm not sure how he took it. But then again, me being me, I could have been tactless about it.

This is a bit of an update and also answering you guys' questions.

Update: I got back here today and my aspie roommate practically rushed out of the house all like hurry up before he gets home from work let's go out to eat so I can tell you what's been going on here. The NT roommate has been bringing home leftovers and expecting him to eat them all the time, socializing at home all the time, complaining about things that my aspie roommate obviously likes, and continuing to say wrong things. My aspie roommate will delicately correct him ("I'm pretty sure that's not right man, because it's like X and Y...") and the NT guy won't listen to him. And once when I was having a fairly normal conversation with him that turned into almost an argument (I realized this way too late), the NT roommate took this as me "picking an argument" with him. The NT roommate going on and on complaining about me to my aspie roommate was pretty stressful to him because obviously my aspie roommate has known me for almost 20 years and I'm like his special person that he doesn't have to be fake around. I asked him what the NT roommate likes, because maybe he just needs to be steered more into his own interests. My aspie roommate says he doesn't appear to like anything except complaining. Later, when we were all three home together, the NT roommate actually said himself that he had been in a bad mood his whole life and didn't really like anything.

Responses to you guys (thanks for your thoughts): You may be right, Kyksos55. I may end up looking like the bad guy, but I'd rather do that than leave my aspie roommate in this high-stress situation. I'm not sure how to say it though, because apparently the NT roommate takes everything I say wrong. And um...this kind of floors me because I have a habit of speaking plainly and thoroughly because I know a lot of people on the spectrum.

Kooner: He and I were talking about this today. I asked him if it bothered him to hear things that I said that were wrong, since he's around me so much. He said no, because he knows that other people have opinions that are different from him and see the world differently. I asked if maybe it was easier with me because he was used to me, and he said yes. My personal outlook is that I am aware of how smart he is and I have never fooled myself into thinking I was on his level. I think most people do just assume that they're smart and are unable to recognize when they meet a genius. He can't tolerate being in college classrooms for very long because he knows too much and it seems almost physically painful for him to sit in there and tolerate all the stupidity. He says he has no desire to have a fancy career or make a lot of money. He said today, "I just want to eat lemon cookies, talk to cats, play Fall Out, sharpen knives and be left alone." Which is absolutely fine. Just because you're a genius doesn't mean you can't just have a regular life and enjoy it. I believe he has trouble dating girls because most of them are not smart enough to carry on a conversation with him. He has a LOT of friends. More than I think he'd like. He knows so much interesting stuff that dudes love him. He appears NT to people who don't know about AS. He limits how much he hangs out with people because it's stressful for him to have to be polite and almost everyone gets on his nerves after a few hours. He inspires my research in that I think he has a healthy outlook. It's not "you" (the person on the spectrum) who doesn't fit in, it's most of the world that's not up to snuff.

Maybe we should give it a little while longer and then if it keeps going this way just get him to move out.

Sorry for the long response.

Regrettably you may look like a bad guy to the NT room mate if he’s immature as he appears to be. He is after all the newest member to this group and needs to understand there are certain rules of engagement that have already been establish. If he is unwilling or unable to comply it might be suggested he would be happier elsewhere. Also you might explain to clearly and might come across as blunt, which from my point of view is a good trait but usually doesn’t sit well with NTs.

It is my opinion having an advocate and person whom aspies feel comfortable with is essential to helping them operate successfully in life. That’s how some of us can pass as NT and cope, albeit for short periods of time. It takes a special person to be a true friend and confidant to an aspie and I think there is a certain degree of mutual benefit for both parties.

Best of luck, let us know how it goes.

My aspie roommate came very close to having a meltdown a few days ago. One of his special interests right now is knives, so to calm himself he was sharpening and oiling a knife while he was sitting with me and the NT roommate. The next day the NT roommate asked me if the aspie roommate was okay and he was wondering if he was about to stab him because he had a funny look on his face and kept fooling around with a knife. LOL!

So I took that opportunity to explain Asperger's, special interests, and how "we" as social NTs sometimes stressed him out and he didn't know how to tell us he needed to be alone because he didn't want to hurt "our" feelings. I told him that it could be confusing to live with our aspie roommate because he's so high functioning that it's easy to forget that he has Asperger's, but if he has a bad day at work or is sick or whatever, he might lose the ability to just say "hey man I need to rest" or "nah I don't want to eat that." I BELIEVE he got it, but who knows.

Then my aspie roommate and I talked about it and I told him that *I* was also super stressed out by the new roommate and was thinking about leaving. My aspie roommate made it clear that he needed non-stressful social time with me plus help at the house, so we decided I'd stay a couple days a week and we'd both just step it up around the NT roommate and tell him how it was when he was doing or saying something that wasn't cool.

It occurred to me how being around aspies so much has rubbed off on me and I have become very intolerant of people stating incorrect facts or requiring delicate language. It's kind of interesting because I study how aspies are required to become more NT and it turns out that over the years I have become LESS NT to the point where living with an NT bothers me. haha

Thanks to everyone for the advice. It helped a great deal.

Thanks for sharing this situation with us, too. It helped me a great deal. In fact, your last observation reminds me of something I said to a friend to day ... that I did not want to, even if I could, socialize like an NT. If I cannot be forthright and transparent, then I have no friggin' interest in socializing! lol