Bridging the "gap" between Aspie and non-Aspie in

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My husband and I are on polar opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of emotional capacity. He is very stoic, very controlled (in some ways....at least, in terms of holding it in), doesn't really understand emotion. I, on the other hand have a very hard time controlling my emotions and effectively communicating how I feel. I sometimes get emotionally overwhelmed and sort of "freak out", so to speak, which makes him push me away, which only furthers the feelings of self-loathing that I have during these 'episodes'. If I get emotionally overwhelmed, it tends to snowball into me crying uncontrollably and feeling like I want to peel my skin off to breathe. These things, of course, sound insane to someone "normal", which proceeds to make me feel even more isolated and so on. Does anyone else ever encounter this problem? How did you make it work?

Maybe a note where you write, even in strong terms, and your husband can read the note?

I like that. I'm much better at articulating my feelings in writing, and I don't get so self conscious about getting emotional (which in turn...makes me less emotional). Thank you! There are a few books I've stumbled across about being married to Aspies and while I doubt I could ever get my husband to read them (not that he doesn't care, he's just not a reader by ant stretch), it might give me some ideas for more effective communication.

Plus, as a person on the spectrum, something written allows me to focus on the content, which is my strength. Instead of face-to-face, where I'm trying (at times awkwardly) to also stay open to the emotional context.

When I'm in a relationship, I need to remind myself to take alone time for myself, in large part so I can have opportunities to emotionally process.

Yeah, I get that way too... I get so petrified of being alone, but then I enjoy it. In limited doses, anyways... when he's home, we actually spend a lot of time apart(me in my office, etc), but when he's away it's like not having the option makes it worse. It's 10x worse if I'm the one travelling. I have to go out to sea for 3 weeks and I'm dreading it.

I find that with writing, I get less anxious about being able to articulate, so I can think and process much clearer. He's also terrible at communicating emotion, he was raised in a household where you were scolded for crying and everything had to be bottled up.... the two of us combined can get kind of messy.

That sounds pretty intense, the three weeks at sea. Any chance you can Internet with your husband and with other people while you're out? Or if not, maybe take a couple of familiar books plus a couple of new books?

And the part with your husband being raised in the home where things have to be bottled up, yes obviously an unhealthy enviroment. And I guess over time your husband can adapt to the idea that things are safer, less perfectionist in a good way, and more of a real environment where people are allowed to be real people, something like this? Of course, this will tend to be slow, with retreats being part of it, too.

i'm an aspie man married to an NT wife for 26 years

i suggest in a normal time you discuss this behaviour pattern with him (it's great that you already have an objective detached view of it, and can analyse it) - maybe over dinner at a restaurant

1. talk about what kicks it off typically

2. talk about how life could be managed so these kick-off things dont occur so much

most importantly
3. write out an agreed note/email 'action plan' etc that he can refer to and follow in these times:
"ok you said to me that when you're in this state I should say and do the following, so here goes;...
(sit quietly and listen to you?)
(say words e.g. "You can be over-emotional in these times, but you know we have been together for X years, you know that I love you, we have always got through these times. although this seems terrible it is no different to the other times"...)
(take control of you, exert authority?
(sx? undress?
(take you for a long drive to a favourite beach, restaurant...?)
etc ; whatever is right for you.


I think sometimes women 'over-demand' their man to do jobs, talk. beyond what is reasonable. this is part of her continually testing the man's commitment to the relationship, wanting to feel loved-up and sure that he is committed to her. just accept. it's part of the package, a continual element of tension. he needs to realise this.
Maybe check out http://www.thefemininewoman.com/ etc to try to understand what's happening inside you better.

Just ideas...