Marital tension - anyone relate to this scenario?

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Logicalmom
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20 Jan 2013, 2:20 pm

I am sorry if this is a repeat topic, but I do not feel up to going through the threads.

I have AS - late diagnosis.

My husband is mad at me.

Yesterday, I tried to go out with him for coffee to make an effort to spend time. I have been feeling "off", but I thought even though I was tired and not feeling my best it was important to make an effort. He started casually talking about my grown kids, and as soon as he started talking about how my youngest is using AS to excuse some of his behaviors, I felt like I was kicked. I said STOP, I can't talk about this right now. I was so tired, shutting down I guess, that it was hard to even answer him. I had to keep pushing myself and I did snap some more, but I was just trying to use what energy I had to speak and interact.

He is still pissed at me today and said - he questions whether "I can't help it" because I can be bitchy and as soon as someone else is around I can be so "good" - so therefore, I can control it. Well, at least I think he is finally going to try marriage counseling with me. I am dubious about my marriage. You know, he said that I don't do this to him very often - so I said - can we focus on the fact it does not happen often? Don't even regular people have bad days? I feel so helpless - I am TRYING - and I feel like I am being punished for what I cannot control. I could not control my crash - maybe I should pay more attention and take my earlier fatigue as a warning, but I had it in my mind I need to pay attention and do something with my spouse - and it backfired. So he is telling me how he is all confused. I feel really helpless right now. Anyone relate?


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johnny77
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21 Jan 2013, 2:02 am

Can totally relate but will not give any advice as I could not hold my own marriage together.



Logicalmom
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21 Jan 2013, 9:11 am

Do you know what? The "totally relate" was just what I needed. Thank you!


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mercifullyfree
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21 Jan 2013, 1:28 pm

I have found that I get stressed and overwhelmed pretty fast in face to face conversation, especially when I'm having "a bad day." Yeah, similar stuff has happened all the time. I've informed my close relations that if they feel they really need to discuss something and I seem to be being "difficult," that it will most likely work if they just give a bit of physical space and try having the conversation through text messages or emails.



MadCatUSA
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21 Jan 2013, 8:12 pm

Yeah, I can definitely relate. My wife and I have been having problems with the neighbors upstairs and it really came to a head last week. By the time Friday came around, I was just done. I couldn't process anything more. I had a bad week at work, had a meeting that just sucked the life out of me (mandatory training meeting that was pure chaos) and when I came home, the kitchen was a disaster. I asked my wife when she was going to clean it up (she's a stay at home mom to our fur kids) and she said, "When I'm feeling better." (She's not been sick, she has anxiety issues and the whole incident with the neighbors put her on edge all week.) I just shut down completely. We wound up in a big fight over the incident Wednesday, the kitchen, and a lot of things were said that weren't all that great. Now, she's still pissed at me because of it. So, yeah, I can relate.
My first marriage went down the tubes because I didn't know I was an Aspie or why I was unable to communicate with my ex-wife. She was expecting things from me that I had no clue how to do. I know now, as an Aspie that I can work on it, but being diagnosed so late it's tough to change some behaviors.



Ann2011
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21 Jan 2013, 9:53 pm

Logicalmom wrote:
He is still pissed at me today and said - he questions whether "I can't help it" because I can be bitchy and as soon as someone else is around I can be so "good" - so therefore, I can control it.

He doesn't realize that it's work to be "good." He's your partner so you shouldn't have to not be yourself around him. You can't control it forever.
I find that when things like this happen the other person will get even more pushy and demanding of a response at the very time when I can't really come up with one. I tend to get very snappy in these situations and have said things that I regret.



Logicalmom
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22 Jan 2013, 8:25 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
Logicalmom wrote:
He is still pissed at me today and said - he questions whether "I can't help it" because I can be bitchy and as soon as someone else is around I can be so "good" - so therefore, I can control it.

He doesn't realize that it's work to be "good." He's your partner so you shouldn't have to not be yourself around him. You can't control it forever.
I find that when things like this happen the other person will get even more pushy and demanding of a response at the very time when I can't really come up with one. I tend to get very snappy in these situations and have said things that I regret.


Oh, thank you! Yes, thank you - it is work,a lot of work, and I feel burnt out by trying to meet expectations - and always getting criticized for "stepping out of line." And, yes, I tried to explain to him that part of my snapping isn't really "snapping" the way he thinks it is - it is a monumental effort to get any words out at all. He figured I "directed" this just at him and totally ignored that I could not even carry on a coherent conversation with my cousin on the phone. My mouth wasn't working, my brain wasn't working - I was shutting right down. And he was adding more.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate all of them - it is a huge relief to feel like people actually hear me and understand. You know, I am not so good at this, but I feel like he does not want to deal with "that which cannot be fixed" and the idea that I ask him to learn more about "me" so we can both make adjustments. I think he just liked thinking that I had problems and it is nothing to do with him - or "us." I will try not to take the defensive and thus decide this is indeed how he feels, I am just saying what I feel at the moment.


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26 Jan 2013, 12:52 am

A counselor will not be there to solve all your problems and decide who is right and who is wrong. But presence of another person can help get everything out in the open. Then if it doesn't seem so scary anymore, maybe you can work things out.



Logicalmom
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26 Jan 2013, 1:32 am

This makes sense, thank you!


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BlackSabre7
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27 Jan 2013, 5:38 am

I wish I could take my husband to a counselor. He needs it. He has post traumatic stress syndrome.
When I am tired and struggling to keep going I lock myself up somewhere and quietly implode. He can't handle anything. The only thing I can rely on him to do when I need his support, is to make things worse. So I have to hide my 'bad days'. Not fair, since he has had so many, and I have to put EVERYTHING else on hold to help him through. I have failed courses at Uni because when I am stressed because, say, I have a major assignment due, he feels it, and gets stressed, has a meltdown, and my assignment goes down the crapper. He does not even know it. If I tell him, he will then find a way to blame me, then cause me ongoing stress by nagging me about every future assignment.

When I tried to explain to him recently that I might have apergers (he has no idea what that means) I was hoping maybe he'd back off. Instead I get him saying things like 'something is wrong with your brain' (if I don't agree with something he wants done his way) or 'no-one will give you job' (when he thinks I have a bad attitude)I only recently found out about my AS, and I know my best bet is to convince him it's all bullshit and I'm fine. When I learn more, I will tell him nothing. I know some of the gentlemen on this site have shown themselves to be smart and sensitive, but a lot of men are thugs. I am married to one. At least yours is willing to do something to try to improve your lives.
If he says he is confused, maybe he just needs a bit of time to get used to the idea. I am still 'digesting' the idea that I have it, what it means, who I really am, what my limitations are, and how I can use the new enlightenment to my benefit. He may be questioning himself, his role as a husband, maybe thinking back on fights you have had or whatever. He may just need to understand more about what it really means. Some people see an issue with their spouse or kids as a reflection on themselves. Maybe he needs to know how to see it in a positive light? Maybe he's worried about how it affects him?

I told a friend, to 'test the waters' of telling people, she also made me slapped in the face. I don't have many friends, so I guess you bunch of strangers all over the world are going to be my secret friends.
This is outrageous that it has to be this way. But I'm glad the internet is at least available. Otherwise, I'd be even more alone.

BUT I have chickens, a goose, a parrot and 2 amazing kids so my life is still not that bad. I love them all.



CDSherwood
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28 Jan 2013, 11:03 pm

Neither myself or my husband have official diagnoses,but I can relate to what you are saying. My husband and I mostly get along pretty well, but sometimes having to be "on" all day at work can cause me to just shut down completely. I end up lashing out and it feels like I have no control, and he's on edge and will come in and say something really hurtful which shuts me down even more . For example, he was supposed to try to call the DMV for me, but he said he was busy.I had to get on the phone to the DMV after work and was on hold for an hour and a half. I finally gave up and called him and was incredibly frustrated and unable to get my words out, trying to avoid a meltdown, told him I was mad at him,and he said "You're just pissed you couldn't take a nap when you came home". And this is from someone who is an aspie as well so he understands where I am coming from to an extent! We eventually talked it out when we both cooled down, but in that moment? It was all I could do to not throw my phone.



nelleh
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03 Feb 2013, 11:18 am

I was just searching the threads for info to help myself and came upon this. I'm having a difficult time too. My husband has ptsd too with a diagnosis and he's getting extensive help. Things are still a mess. I need so much time alone just to cope and be "normal". I too can be good or nice around others but it's just a role that I play and they role playiong is exhausting.

I could go n and on but wanted to let you know thast you are not alone.

Take care of yourself, believe in yourself and trust your gut.

I fall into the same problem of not knowing that I should just stay home and not go on an outing, that the outing will just make matters worse instead of better.



prolix
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06 Feb 2013, 5:50 am

I feel you.

I'm engaged to an NT guy and we fight constantly about communication and how I act in public vs. in private -- gets upset sometimes that I "give" to strangers and co-workers and acquaintances more effort than I "give" to him. He feels like I work harder to please others.

The reality is just that I exahust myself trying to look normal in public... I mean, I don't want to embarrass him or myself. The result, however, is that I am more likely to miss his subtle cues or hints, and he has a hard time remembering that I'm not good with those, and I'm also more likely to be stubborn and push for things I want because, once tired, my default is to expect him to put his foot down when he wants something just as much and not just give in.

He's very understanding once I'm able to explain myself, and I absolutely get his frustration. Both of us are more than willing to stick it out and do what we have to, because there's nothing we want more than to be together, but it's really tough at times. Sometimes it feels like we're from two totally different cultures trying communicate.



Logicalmom
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08 Feb 2013, 9:39 pm

Thanks all and my best to all who are struggling along with relationships.

I don't know if my marriage is going to hold together. I see my doctor next month and I need to have a good talk with him. "Two different cultures" is a good explanation. I just don't know. I can't see this going on for another 20 years or more. We're coming into another weekend - and I hate weekends because it really magnifies the unhappiness.


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epitome81
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09 Feb 2013, 2:46 am

I totally feel you and weekends ARE the worst!

Its so hard when the rest of your world demands your entire week and you have no weekend to recharge, you're trying to fix what you couldn't get done when there are other demands. Most of my problems are related to having a military marriage and how much it adds to an AS/ND relationship. Its all complicated and I think it is regardless of which side of the fence you're on, my husband works with all NTs and neither of us are NT so we're treated like aliens both. Getting help is hard and finding out what is right for you will be a challenge, but if you cannot get things better I would not advise doing 20 years like this and you don't have to. Hang in there and try to get some solutions if you can, the outside world makes this a very DIY situation. You're not alone and a good talk about the two worlds is the first step, it takes time though..... Months later and I'm still on step one. Take care the best you can, that is the best advise I have and it can save your life/health/livelihood.


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