Truely Alone

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Hi, i am a 43 year old male with diagnosed Aspergers .
I have spent a lot of time reading posts here over the last few days. I came here hoping to find people who have something in common with myself, thinking it might be somehow comforting. I have read a few posts where members describe how lonely they are, misunderstood, inability to socialize etc etc. If i see a post by someone i can relate to i usually look up other posts by the same person and more often than not find contradictory entries. For example, someone might say they have no friends, family, spend all day alone, then in another post talk about a game they played with a couple of friends. I'm not writing this to be inflammatory of discredit anyone, i just want to know if there really is anyone out there who is truly alone and lost, who wants to make a change but doesn't know where or how to begin, who crave some companionship but is terrified by social interaction or if they should even try because they think they are not worthy of another's company.
Im not sure what i expect from this post, whether i will feel better or worse knowing there might be some out there like myself, i just find myself needing to know.

I have some friends at the moment but there have been years when I didn't. There were times I couldn't think of anyone to even call or write to who wasn't a family member. Family members are something of course but they're also stuck with you and I felt the fact that nobody was contacting me meant I held no value to people, that I did not merit space in their mind... or I started to think I had done something that made them all hate me. That was irrational. Really I had fallen off the face of the earth and hadn't yet gotten on Facebook, etc. Anyway I'm not saying I'm one of the people you're looking to speak to with no contacts but I think it's a matter of having people you feel comfortable contacting, I mean there are human beings all around and everyone has people from their past they've interacted with however fleetingly but you have to feel...

I should probably start a new paragraph huh. You have to feel worthy of interacting with them and being their friend as you say in order to take the small and sometimes big risks that forming definite bonds requires and I just realized that I do not think or feel myself worthy of anyone's time, attention, or care. I feel that by taking up space and needing the same things they need I am inconveniencing people and I feel I owe it to them to give them everything I can possibly give them to make up for the utter frustration that my being is. I've always felt like this, I remember telling my friend who's still my friend now in the cafeteria at school about ten years ago that I was happy to go along with whatever other people wanted to do, and I didn't think it was a big deal but she and another mutual friend got kind of grave and said "That's not good. You could get taken advantage of that way," and...

(New paragraph, I am not finding natural breaks in paragraphs this evening so I'm forcing them) I had no idea where this sudden graveness came into what had been a lighthearted conversation but I think back to that conversation a lot and it seems both my friends really were aware of how self-destructive my approach to socializing was long long before I was. I try to take myself out of the equation. I try to get rid of myself because I feel less acceptable than air, I feel I have to do everything they want just to give the space where I am the neutral value of air again, and I feel that it's my fault if they're unhappy and my duty to make them happy. This last part is kind of good in small doses, I mean it's the same as "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem," but I kind of take that thought literally and absolutely and think I'm nothing but a problem unless I'm nothing but the solution.

Anyway I went on for so long about that because your mention of people who "think they are not worthy of another's company" stood out to me. I don't feel like a human, I feel like something that stands in the way of real humans thriving. I am a human though. I don't know if your experience is anything like mine but clearly this way of thinking I have is... so horribly self-destructive there's no way to find redemption in it, it just needs to be gotten rid of and replaced by the FACT that, as the poem called the Desiderata says, "You are a child of the Universe, and you have a right to be here, no less than the trees and the stars."

Except for seeing my offspring every day I am alone and have been for a long time. Being a single mom is in my humble opinion extremely lonely. I don't really mind it most of the time because I don't do well at all socially and gave up on friends several years ago.
Contrary to what I've read here and there my experience is that AS progresses into more not less. I have learned a bit about avoiding anxiety inducing people and places. But that means I spend almost all my time at home alone.
- tea for one ( T41) should be my nickname. someone probably already uses that though.

Thank you for the replies, to be honest i didn't expect any, its refreshing to encounter such nonjudgmental and honest people, im yet to meet any IRL, but at least i now know they exist. I take comfort knowing it is possible to survive this condition and perhaps at times even find moments of happiness along the way.

I have a husband, he drives a truck, is gone 6 days at a time, and i have no family, and no offspring. So... although I do have a husband, I have no friends and I'm alone all the time. I look back on my life, and I have never had friends. I spent years thinking I SHOULD have friends, but not knowing how... and now I realize I don't know how PLUS I don't want any friends anyway. I have 3 dogs and houseplants and neighbors that live too close to my house !

It's been 8 months since this thread was posted, so I don't know if it's still relevant, but I wanted to say that I found immense happiness in cats. I came upon this totally unexpectedly, and it's been a blessing.

I do have a (platonic) girlfriend who I see one day a week, so I'm not completely isolated, but apart from that I have no friends at all and no contact with my family of origin because they live far away and we don't have anything in common. But I think that it is mainly my own fault that I am as alone as I am. I lack the desire to socialise because I have a hyper-focussed mind and don't like to be pulled out of my own silent, event-free living space and involved in anything social. When I was younger I did have social contacts up to a point, so I think my lack of social instincts has got more extreme with age. I suppose this is completely different to what the original poster was talking about, so I'm not sure why I'm posting this as a reply.

While I can understand that you might think some posts are contradictory, I have to say that at least for me, I might consider my neighbor my "friend" as she comes a few times to say hi, but a week later, she walks by and is gossiping about me, so she's no longer really my friend. I think that many of us have problems with friendships and just having someone you talk to sometimes might be considered a friend, although again, a while later, that person disappears from your life.

I do have some friends that do not live where I do and while I consider them my friends because I have known them for many years, I have to say that I do not talk to any of them on a daily or even a monthly basis. I still think they are my friends because of how long we have stayed in touch. Right now, I have really nobody that I call or calls me to see how I am doing, unlike my husband who does have people who text him or call him just to say hi...so really, others might view this as I really don't have any friends.

Tonight I was remembering that when my parents are gone, that will be it. I thanked the cats tonight for getting me through this far.

Pets have been such an enormous comfort in my life. I can never truly repay them for what they do, but I try.

I think some people, myself included, use the term "friends" when we really mean "acquaintances" or "people I do things with sometimes". For example, I might say that I play online games with my "friends" when I really mean the guild I belong to. But I feel out of place, even with people online.

I never feel comfortable or at home with people. I can count the people who I could relax with on one hand and I'm 31 years old. Some days I feel extremely lonely and other days I feel lucky that I'm aware of things that most people aren't. It's a tradeoff, I guess.

Improving my social skills makes it easier to navigate amongst people, if you know what I mean, but I still don't feel comfortable with them. It's hard to explain. I really feel like an alien sometimes. And it's not through some sort of bias, paradigm, or filter. I honestly welcome people in sometimes, but it usually doesn't work out.

The bottom line is that if you want to have friends, you have to be a friend. I am very outgoing, just that I don't get invited to parties or social events.. I have people whom I call my friends, but they aren't my true friends. They call or come around when they need something and have no one else to turn to - but they do not go out of their way to come and see me or to talk to me. I have one friend that is disabled and alone - he has a wife who suffers from dementia. His son David has nothing to do with him, because he is afraid that he will be stuck taking care of them if he comes around.
We talk on the phone and I have a open invitation to go to his house when ever I want and stay as long as I want, but they have no furniture. No one to clean the house and the dog sometimes takes a crap on the floor and no one cleans it up. I cannot live like a animal. They are both geniuses and they do not realize how hard it is for me to just leave my place, drive 120 miles one way and go and stay with them.. The town where they live is very secluded and there is no one there for me.. No job prospects and I cannot live on thin air - because I have no income. I have 20 years to make something of myself and then it will be retirement age and no one will want to hire me. My health only allows me to do light sedentary work and no one is going to pay someone a liveable wage and health benefits if they cannot do strenuous labor without some type of college degree. The best thing you can do is get a job. Work not only provides you with a income but a means of socialization. When you loose your job, you not only loose your income, but your main means of socialization. This is what people who has a job does not realize.
When I realized that the people that I worked with were not my friends and were only there because they were being paid to be there - I realized that they were not my friends and that I should just stay away from people whom I work with.. Do your own thing and find your own niche in the world. Pets are not the answer. What you need is real social interaction. Quit making excuses and go out and do things and meet people and make friends.. There are lot's of bars and clubs and social events that you can participate in that does not require any type of membership or fees. Find a hobby. Do what ever it takes to get out of the house and around more people. Get yourself a wife or husband and have a family of your own. As long as you make excuses - you will always be alone.