31 and Starting Over

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So yesterday I walked away from my job.

This is because I have numerous health issues - three autoimmune diseases, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, losing my sight, and so on.... I was trying to tough it out but I reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore. Forcing myself to work and beating myself up with guilt were taking a huge toll on me. Not only that, I was an accountant. I had gone to business school for practical reasons, but all my life I had wanted to go to music school. I was not only torturing myself, but living a very dishonest life that was eating away at me.

Now I'm 31, almost 32 years old and I have to start all over again. Right now I'm living with my father because I have no other alternative. That needs to change though, as he abused me in the past and I need to live away from him. (He's nice to me now but it's not possible to live with him while having those memories). Somehow, I have to fight to get on medicaid so I can take care of my health issues and go back to Uni. Even if getting a music degree is just for fun and I can't work in the future, I'm going to do it anyway.

I feel like I've been dumped in the middle of the ocean and I don't know in which direction to swim. I'm not making money anymore and it could take years to win a disability case. Are there places I can go to take free classes, even if I don't get grades for them? I don't want to sit around and waste away. I have many dreams I want to fulfill.

Mostly, I want to be independent again, but I don't know if that will ever happen.

I don't like the fact that I now have to ask my dad when I need something as small as soap. I don't know how I will handle that, but I certainly will do my best.

Has anyone ever faced a similar situation?

I think pursuing your dream is definitely very good. If life is all about surviving without pleasure, then there's no point in existing (I do acknowledge that there are some people who have no choice but to be just surviving - that's a different story).

I hope you will find happiness in your music study. I also think that if you can, you should also keep your accounting option open so that you can achieve your independence. Or if you really don't like accounting, then you could even think about something else that is practical. I don't know how severe your conditions are, but to achieve independence, having something practical always helps.

Hi kouzoku,

I think jk1's advice is sound.
I would also say that if independence is your highest priority, then finding work and saving money is the most important thing, even if it is part time work. At the least you would be a bit less dependent on yuor father and be out of the house away from him. But only if you can manage work with your present health issues.
As you already have skills and expereince in the accountancy field, you would find it easier to find work there. You can still choose a balance between working to build towards/keep independence, and pursueing your passions and joys.
I don't know how good the Uni is in your area, but make very sure if you choose to attend that it is suitable to your learning needs. You may find that an alternative institute, or even self-teaching is more suitable.

If your medical issues become serious enough then you may have to accept that some kind of supported living is more suitable. It could be as simple as someone visiting each week or so, to counsel and help you manage.

Personally I've had to restart life several times, I completed a Diploma in Office Admin 6 years ago but the only entry position available was denied me under disability discrimination (and then a flatmate threatened me and I had to abandon my home), and haven't worked since. I'm trying to do a Degree in Software Engineering at present, but my heart is no longer in it, and I may be failing. I've done the guilt trip too out of fear of disappointing others. I've come to accept it when I rely on family for help and not feel so guilty, because I do need help to live independently even if it's just talking things over with a friend at times.

As someone who is an artist and occasional musician, I can understand what you mean about feeling like you are living a lie. I felt that way when I tried to hold down a full time job as a design engineer, I may have been good at it but I was never happy.

I find myself asking though, why do you feel you need to get a degree in music? The great thing about art and music is that you can do it regardless of any qualifications! You just do it and practise till you get good at it (I'm a completely self taught musician and artist)

Although I did go to art college for three years, I have never been asked for my qualifications and have always been judged by my work not by my non existent degree (I never did my degree course)

I'm not trying to criticise your dreams, just questioning whether you need the financial burden of getting a degree when you can just go ahead and become a musician without that burden, but that's just me!

The important thing is to at least try to follow your dream even if its not in the way you had envisioned! I for example teach art privately because I can't handle the stress of the gallery system and trying to sell my work, not what I'd imagined I would be doing now, but it lets me survive as an artist so its all good.

The only reason I majored in accounting is to have something practical; I really was never interested in Business. It was something I could learn easily through common sense and so, encouraged by many people, I went for it. I also had an unrealistic (or maybe old-fashioned) view of accounting. I did not expect it to be like every other social desk job. Anyone could have done my job because of computers. Things have really changed due to technology.

Unfortunately, my condition is severe enough where I cannot handle work anymore. There are many reasons why, one being the unpredictability of my disease and attendance is a large issue. I also have to rest whenever my body says so, and that's not an option at work. I was hopeful that an office job would be easy enough on my body, but I greatly underestimated my diseases. I spent several years in Uni with this hope-all the while ignoring how difficult it was to sit in lecture-and I can say that I at least gave it my all and really wanted it to work out. I am proud of myself for being very dedicated and working for a year through all the pain and issues, but my body literally gave out. Now that I've had a few days to myself, I realize exactly how much torment I put myself through and I realize how strong I really am. The entire experience has forever changed me.

Part time jobs are no good either, because of the unpredictability. I tried several part time jobs and none of them worked out.

I am also a self-taught musician, but going to a good music school will allow me to learn a lot faster than I can on my own. I don't live alone and therefore have nowhere to practice, plus I would like professors around to answer questions I might have. I prefer a mentor type individual in my life, and always found this at Uni in the past. It's just a personal preference. Also, if I want to do anything later which might require credentials, then I'd at least have them. However, I really don't care about that. I'm going for my own benefit. If there are resources for disabled individuals to attend some classes at low-cost without gaining credit, then I'd be more than happy to do that. I want to learn everything about music and perfect my own performance. Music is almost as important to me as oxygen. The good news is, since I already have a degree, I can spend all my time in music courses without worrying about other classes (if a degree is possible).

I also feel comfortable in academia. I enjoy being evaluated and having concrete external expectations alongside my own internal ones. Going to class is still difficult for me, but much easier than working. I try not to take long classes and have breaks between them. I utilize the accessibility options and always know where the good resting/quiet spots are on campus.

I've gotten pushed to a similar point at times over the last year with my own health issues, although, luckily for me, I'm not at a point where I'm ready to stop working or should. I can empathize, though. It's not an easy thing to make big life changes like that; I think you're really brave.

I'm not sure what county you're in, but on the off chance you happen to live in Pennsylvania in the US, feel free to PM me. I work for a social services agency and might be able to put you in touch with people who could answer questions about benefits, vocational rehab and such.

Thanks for your kind offer. I don't live anywhere near PA though.

Well, my mom has fibromyalgia. I think it's pretty much what happens when you overwork the s**t out of yourself for no real reason. My mom was a nurse, she worked so much, she'd only get 3 hours of sleep a night for years when we were kids. I'd say it's kind of her, but it was really misguided. I'd not see my mom often as a kid. My father working at the machine shop made enough money to support us, but either my mom, or dad, or both, simply wanted more and wanted to give us what they couldn't have. In the end it blows up. Because my mom was working, we had to be babysat by a nanny, which my mom paid for with working. That and private school, too, which in some ways was negative as well (in some ways positive, too.)

It's part of the reason I'm afraid to go to work. Sure, I could force myself to do anything ever, but I remember even doing cold calls, I'd come home pissed, and throw my keys on the ground, be totally mad, etc. Working at a restaurant was the same thing. Of course people around you think you're lazy/bad, etc, but they're walking around fat and with all kinds of health problems because they want a cool BMW and a 300K house.

If I were you, I'm assuming you don't got a lot of cash saved up. Is your fibromyalgia affected by climate? My mom's gets really bad in cold. If you do well in warm weather, why not check out Saipan? It's a US territory, apartments there are like $200 a month for 1 bed room. The only thing stopping me from just calling everything quits here is there's no ice skating rink there. If you got a little work from home type of job, or if you're on SSI, then you can go there and just retire I guess. You're part Asian, too, right? Lots of Asians there, as well. Don't know if you could handle it, but you could maybe teach English, too. No need to go back to school, just get a TEFL certificate, use your BA in accounting, and there you go. Hey, even if you don't work, it might be cheaper for your dad to just send you $200 a month for rent, and like $100 for food (food is a bit more expensive there...)

Thanks for all that info. I am going to research it. Sounds like a good plan.

My illnesses were triggered by trauma (severe abuse). I started having symptoms at age 12. Doctors say that many people have their autoimmune diseases triggered by some kind of medical or emotional trauma. Our bodies just aren't made to handle it.

That sorta goes to TCM theory, which is interesting. Lots of theory about the "shen" or spirit of a person. Like for example, in TCM, schizophrenia is caused by the shen leaving the body. I think. With TCM, though, should have said this in another thread, it definitely seems hard to really diagnose yourself. It's the same as being your own psychologist. It's hard to view your perceptions of you vs how you actually are. Anyway... I wonder if fibromyalgia is caused by, uh, stolen willpower? Or if diseases in general are caused by that? Obviously abuse, people steal your will, you know? In my case, because of my life circumstances, I have others controlling my life, and I feel that is a big issue besides my NLD/ASD.

Besides Saipan, there's all the other poor Asian countries, but Saipan wouldn't need a visa. Beware, plane tickets there are $1500, $900 for Japan. BUT if you like Japan, you can go to Japan for $500 from Saipan. Which is sorta cool.

Yes, so far I've been reading fundamentals of TCM to get started and it all just makes sense to me. It goes along with nature and our bodies, instead of trying to swim upstream, as Western medicine seems to do. If we can just harmonize ourselves, we wouldn't need a lot of drastic medical intervention down the road. It also explains why the exact same diseases manifest themselves differently in people. I don't completely dismiss Western medicine at all. There can be balance with both. It's possible that I'm taking to it naturally because I'm already a Daoist. I don't know. It just makes sense to me.