Puzzled About This Woman's Behavior

Post Reply New Topic

A friend of my husband's recently invited us to small gathering at her house. He used to work for this person and her husband, for about seven years, but still considers the boss and his wife to be good friends. They have invited us to Christmas gatherings, and once for a fourth of July get together. My husband has always considered the wife of his former boss to be a closer friend, because she actually prevented him from getting fired a few times, and was very supportive when he struggled with his time management issues, and so on. Once she even gave him money as an incentive to show up on time. Now, before outlining her behavior, I will also point out that she and her husband have a very good relationship, and run their business together.

The first Christmas party we attended, my husband and I were just dating and had only known each other for about three months. When we came into the house, she greeted my husband warmly, which I expected since I knew that they were friends. She was a little cool and distant to me, and didn't seem very interested in getting to know me. The next party we went to a year later, she was still distant and cool but gave me a half-hearted hug (which I hate, btw because it irritates my nerve endings) I began to feel uncomfortable around her, and was glad that we didn't have to interact with them very much. Her husband was OK. So fast forward to now. My husband and I are now married. And this next gathering was to celebrate her son's twenty first birthday. Once more her greeting was distant, and when I would try to talk to her she didn't seem very interested. But she would smile at my husband and make jokes with him. This began to bother me more, because I was getting a bad vibe about it. It was as if she didn't like me or something. Knowing how solid she and her husband are, I hesitate to think that she has feelings for my husband, yet I cannot understand why she behaves this way towards me. The thing that bugged me the most was at one point during the evening we were standing around the counter. My husband was standing on my right, and she was standing on my left. She started talking about something that was happening with the business, and I thought she was finally opening up to me. I replied a few times but wasn't looking directly at her. The I realized that she was talking "around me' and ignoring whatever I was saying, and was directing her comments to my husband as if I wasn't even there. I watched her after that, and noticed that several times during the evening she would pass my husband and smile and joke with him but ignore me. I started to feel really uncomfortable and a little angry. But I waited until we got home before saying that I didn't think that his friend liked me very much.

He admitted that she came across a little standoffish and cool with most people. but I had seen her talking with other guests a lot more warmer than she had with me. My gut felt funny and now I have made up my mind that I don't want to attend any more of her parties. She did nothing to make me feel welcome and often I found myself at a loss, not knowing many people there. I may be an Aspie, but I do know that the hostesses job is to make everyone feel welcome and to make sure that they enjoy themselves.

I would really love to hear other women's input as to what you might think could be going on with this person? I have some theories which I will share, but I would like feedback first so that I can compare notes.

Being on the aspie side of the fence, I can only say I have been in your position. What I discovered is that when I stayed home and my partner attended the parties without me it created yet a new problem. What was she doing with out me there? She was already overly friendly while I was there... so is she even more friendly now?

That caused quite a few fights for us - I was stressed beyond belief. Stressed if I went... more stressed if I didn't... In the end I just quite going to all parties.. Sensory issues had me hating parties anyways.. party goer behavior had me hating them even more. Best to stay away and realize the amount of trust I had in him to be faithful to me. Though the realization took forever to come...

I've run into this many times. There are some people who just act that way. I discovered (completely by accident) that when I have nothing to do with them (mirrored their behavior without being obviously mean), they flocked to me. Weirdest fricken thing. One woman fell all over herself trying make conversation with me. I think there is something about people who act cold or snobby that is indicative of insecurity. Once she thought she wasn't on my radar, she had to have my attention and approval. I was curious to see if this was particular to her or if it would work with others who behaved the same way. Surprisingly, it's worked every time.

Now, here's the rub. I don't usually like people like that, even if they are talking to me. However, it is gratifying to know that I'm not at the mercy of their rejection.

It's possible that they have had a sexual relationship with each other in the past. I'm only speculating, but she may feel it is something she can hold over your husband (especially since she is herself married.)
Honestly, though, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Whatever happened, happened in the past. She's just trying to stir things up and be the drama queen. Best to ignore her and socialize with people who are more mature.

moved from Women's Discussion to In-Depth Adult Life Discussion at OP's request

If I was in that position, I'd assume she was flirting with my husband and that I was in the way. Before you worry, I would not think for a minute that my husband was up to anything with her, but I would be thinking that she wanted to have something more with him. I've actually been in a similar position a few times. My husband is 'hot' and utterly desirable in other ways too and I'm sure there are plenty of women who fancy him, especially those who work alongside him. In fact, I was on a course and, at tea break, some women were talking about this guy in IT, whom apparently every woman in the office was drooling over. You can imagine their faces when I told them they were talking about my husband. He's completely trustworthy and isn't interested in extra-marital anything, I'm pretty sure of it. But, I've been in company of women who work alongside him and the jealousy/dismissiveness of me was quite obvious, whilst they've been trying to show their wares to him, like an animal on heat.

That is exactly how it feels to me! We went to a reunion of his a few years ago, and there was this one woman there who kept standing in front of him and talking to him. I could see that she was being rude, because she totally ignored me and expressed no interest in getting to know me. Later my husband said he found her very unappealing and had never liked her even back in the day. So, as to why she thought he would change his mind now, I don't know. BTW, my husband is completely trustworthy too. I can safely say I have no fears in that department.

They have definitely not had a sexual relationship. My husband has been very open about his past, and we even discussed some of the ex-girlfriends. This woman is married and my guy would not have been comfortable with that kind of relationship.

You're right. But I am not exactly worried. I am trying to add another pattern of human behavior to my collection for future reference. And I think I am getting this one categorized.

Sounds like she maybe a drama queen - trying to create a situation. Really, it's just plain rude, but some people seem to like that kind of interaction.

That's my take on it, too. Like for instance, she kept talking to my husband about the lousy food she was serving, asking him should she put more out or save it for later. I wondered why she was asking him? And if I said something, she would flick her gaze away and not answer.

So what I have come up with, is this:

My husband worked for her and husband for nearly seven years. He told me stories about how he came close to being fired (because of his Aspie issues) and she always rushed to his defense. Once she even gave him money as an incentive for being on time when he was struggling with time management issues. Of course she made sure to tell him that if it wasn't for her, he would have been fired long ago.

I think that she misses being so important to my husband while he was single and somewhat dependent upon her. She can't stand his new status of being happily married, (we have been married for almost 8 months) and she is one of those women who like men better than her own sex. My husband has told me that she was always quicker to fire women than she was men. Maybe she liked having these men see her as some kind of powerful God who could bestow livelihood on them, or take it away. So there is a queen bee complex going on here, as well as a drama queen aspect to it.

Any more ideas, or similar stories?

Sounds like she sees all other women as competition.

At first I thought that too, but there were other women at the party that she was very friendly with. But you may have a point!

That's happened with my husband too. He's very cute and I'm not. But he's also clueless about flirting. At a restaurant, the hostess even asked if she could try his glasses (which I know is flirting, as I have done the same thing myself) while I was standing right there!

Well, that was downright rude! But what that hostess should realize, is that she can flirt all he wants, but you are the one he was taking out for dinner, not her.

Stop focusing on "that woman", she's just an incidental symptom of something else, don't waste a second analysing "her", and start having some serious talks with your husband about solidarity. He is the one behaving inappropriately.

Well, he is an aspie, remember. And so am I. Anyway, he has agreed that he won't be accepting anymore invitations from her since he has been made aware of her behavior.