What are we like in the eyes of outsiders?

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This is mostly a question to any NTs here.
What are we like in your eyes?
If you have/have had aspie partner, friend, family member, acquaintance, coworker, neighbor, whatever. What are they like? How do you view people like us? What is it like to interact with us? (and please don't quote DSM to me, I'm interested in subjective reactions).
How do we come off? What do you understand about us? What are you unable to understand about us?
How far off normal do we appear? do yousee us as equals or inferiors?
In general, how do you find us?


I really hope I can see some honest replies to this. I'm very curious to know.

--- Yeah. Inquiring minds want to know.

Not sure I'm curious to hear NTs responses.....I've had too many people tell me to knock it off and act normal. As in, "stop doing that. You look autistic!" Others told me I seemed preoccupied all the time, not fully there, too self-focused, and that I carry myself like I'm stuck up. I've tried really hard to modify my walk, but I guess I always look like a caricature because I've caught people imitating me more than once.

My views are unlikely to be representative of the typical NT (if there is such a thing) because I've given Aspergers so much thought over the past year or so.

I think that NTs who are not introspective and who are intolerant (I've found that those two traits go together, more often than not) will just see some surface irregularities such as the way you hold yourself, the way you move, the lack of eye contact, and dismiss you as weird. They will place you in the same category they place all others who they find strange but likely not dangerous: don't fear, but avoid if possible. Beyond that they will most likely not give you any more thought. This goes for adult NTs; kids are more likely to be cruel, of course.

I've dated two high functioning Aspies. I was attracted to Aspie straightforwardness. It's refreshing to be with someone who is unlikely to have ulterior motives for being with me. It can be hurtful sometimes, but mostly the good outweighs the bad, in that aspect.

I also love to observe people and analyze them within a sociological framework. Ironically, I find that Aspies enjoy those kinds of discussions more than any NT I've ever met. They don't just take things as "the way it is."

I still cannot wrap my mind around the disorganization and time management issues some Aspies face.

I don't like the way Aspies don't know when to stop talking and let the other person speak. I've found that if I just say something like "ok, let me speak now" my BF would shut up and actually listen. It was heard to get used to saying that, as in the NT world that would be considered rude.

Thanks for your reply, Frankton. I very much appreciate it as it sounds like an honest opinion.

The only feedback I have gotten recently is that I come off as rejecting (even when I don't mean to), so I have been very curious as to how we come off.
I've also been called reflective and knowledgeable.
In the past I've been told that I'm fanatic (only talk about my obsession at the time, something I have worked on, with the downside being that I really don't know what else to say),that I walk stiffly, that I don't know what signals I send out (my father said that and referred to me seemingly rejecting a boy when I was 9 while I just thought I greeted him a little shyly, because seeing him outside of school was weird so I felt awkward) and that I am defensive.

Cat whisperer, personally I'd rather know, even if I don't like the reply.

Tony Attwood's Foreword from ASPERGER'S SYNDROME, A Guide for Parents and Professionals gives this view of AS from the NT perspective:

People with Asperger's syndrome perceive the world differently from everyone else. They find the rest of us strange and baffling. Why don't we say what we mean? Why do we say so many things we don't mean? Why do we so often make trivial remarks that mean nothing at all? Why do we get bored and impatient when someone with Asperger's syndrome tells us hundreds of fascinating facts about time-tables, the individual numbers carved on lamp posts in the United Kingdom, the different varieties of carrots or the movements of the planets? Why do we tolerate such a confusion of sensations of light, sound, smell, touch and taste without getting to screaming pitch? Why do we care about social hierarchies -- why not treat everyone in the same way? Why do we have such complicated emotional relationships? Why do we send and receive so many social signals to each other and how do we make sense of them? Above all, why are we so illogical compared to people with Asperger's syndrome?

I'm coming to this question late because I almost never come to this subforum (mostly just PPR and General). The only people I know for a fact have autism diagnoses are my daughter and her classmates (she goes to an autism-only school). There are various friends throughout my life who might be on the spectrum but that's just a guess. My mom might be- she stims a lot and doesn't like loud noises and is very pedantic. But since none of these people seemed impaired as such, it's just a guess. Some of my impressions will include people on this forum.

The one trait that seems to apply to my daughter, her classmates, my mom and the assorted friends is stressed out. My mom always seemed so very tense about everything and my daughter is also often on edge. On here people often talk about stress. The friends that I think might be on the spectrum also seemedpretty stressed- back in the day we called it "uptight". For the record, I have been called "uptight" sometimes too. It can be hard to sort out what is anxiety and what is autism. But that stress is a commonality. I worry about my daughter (as mothers tend to do) because that much cortisol flowing in the bloodstream could have long term health consequences. I try to make our home low-stress.


I find myself explaining things and explaining myself a lot.


I understand the stress. I'd be stressed out too if I were on the spectrum. Between sensory sensitivities and never knowing quite what to do in a social situation (and that's a best case scenario, bullying is its' own stress), stress is inevitable. I understand that. What I don't understand is the sensory sensitivities. I get them in an intellectual way but I can't really understand them. I know somebody posted a vidio in General subforum that is supposed to simulate them but it doesn't really, for me. If somebody tells me that certain sounds, textures, lights etc. are horrible, I can only believe them. But I don;'t really understand.


The people I've known in real life don;t seem far off from normal (many of them are probably merely BAP anyway, I think I am BAP too). My daughter has some things that are far off normal (as I understand it) but in other ways utterly normal and just like any other kid her age. Equals or inferiors? Equals.





In general, stressed out.

That explains that dour, preoccupied expression I so dislike in photographs of myself.

That IS what I'm feeling most of the time. Stressed out. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it seems there's always someone in the room, or just around the corner, who wants to screw with my routine, or complain that I'm not doing things they way that they must INSIST things be done, or that somehow, I am just WRONG in general.

Probably the same way a person looks when they end up talking to the cat they never used to co-own with their ex partner or something. and now do..

meaning sometimes, a look is never quite a look if that person is mixed up in the head and needs a transplant to fix all the broken cylinders that made them that way. but many non-autistics are generally unaware of how to fix them and the world in general behaving around them.

My observations are as an Aspie man about "neurotypical" men.

I have gotten the similar reaction and real deep respect with certain groups of men. Also when I observe something they can't believe how obvious and sense-able my observation or solution. They have been a small group of "regulars" who are not hyper and mature who have gotten to know me over a period of time and who I myself have gotten less "uptight" (I remember that word) and more "mellow" ( I remember that word also) around. Others who have said that once they gotten to know me they are surprised that I am just a "regular" guy.

The ones I have problems with the loud, hyper back-slapping type. I do have some touch sensitives and will jump and show a flash of anger when surprised by a back slap or hard touch or squeeze between the shoulders and neck. Some immediately see a weakness they know it, I know it and there is nothing to do but walk away but even that won't help I am just in for a miserable night. Others wonder what the hell they did wrong and in trying be be nice and make up for it just do more of the same no matter what I say. As I get older I have learned to avoid getting into those situations those types are older themselves and have families and will just stay away.

I still run into individuals who sense they have an easy victim to swindle from time to time. This is a complete stranger who will just walk up to me and start talking about whatever. What they have actually run into is a individual who is too suspicious and cynical probably for his own good at times and is worried about how and when to cut this off without getting stabbed or something.

Lessons for neurotypicals first impression can and often are dead wrong.

Lesson for those on the spectrum. There is no typical neurotypical. So that is why you see me use neuromajority from time to time

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 09 Oct 2013, 11:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

THIS.

Nice to see you've given it some thought..

Frankton also wrote..
''I also love to observe people and analyze them within a sociological framework.''
me too actually.
''Ironically, I find that Aspies enjoy those kinds of discussions more than any NT I've ever met.
They don't just take things as "the way it is''."
who does? actually I do this more now.
''I still cannot wrap my mind around the disorganization and time management issues some Aspies face''.
That's true of many things..
''I don't like the way Aspies don't know when to stop talking and let the other person speak.
It was heard to get used to saying that, as in the NT world that would be considered rude.''[/quote]

In the NT world rudeness is abound in many a profession science or social degree and I expect that if people weren't so bodily aware and mind conscious of the gatherings and happenings around them they would face an even harsher reality like Concorde taking off once more to find its place in the summit.
I prefer the term ruthlessness because many a time people have called me what you are saying and I personally think its rude that many people, not just you , would deem the whole world with us in it a joke.
Its sad I find that people who want an equal status in life are not willing to share it through frustration or guilt or other emotion. It is mindful to the aspie for those reasons to interpret things lightly and push forwards with new concepts or ideas to follow a pattern of recognition onto better people and places who acknowledge them faceup, that is why we in the nt world find it so hard to socialise as many of the real discussions are inundated with post blind accusation or refusal of fresher abstract ideas.

I am a woman not-on-the-spectrum (I hesitate to apply the word "typical" to myself) who is in a long-term relationship with an autistic man.

Some of his non-verbal signals keep telling me that he is upset, when in reality he is just preoccupied or tired. I make sure to always ask him if he is upset and I know that he will tell me if anything is wrong. Even though intellectually I know that he's most likely not upset, the non-verbal cues still throw me off and make me anxious.

He gets very tired from travel and/or interaction with other people - I've learned to expect this and plan for it. Again, this is something that I know on a conscious level, but it's difficult to empathize with (especially since I'm a workaholic and I regularly work 12-14 hours in a high-stress job). I understand why it happens though and I don't see him as lazy or weak for it.

Funny enough, I think I have more sensory issues than he does - I'm very sensitive to noise and I have a long list of sounds that annoy me, as well as great difficulty in tuning out sounds. However, I won't buy him clothes because he's quite particular about what he is wearing (style and texture) and I don't want to make a mistake. I can empathize with wanting to wear a certain type of clothes, so this is not an issue.

His honesty and straightforwardness are mostly refreshing, but sometimes can also be very hurtful. One of our most serious fights was around him putting honesty above my comfort, which was very difficult for me to understand and deal with. But in the end I managed to see things from his point of view. When we have discussion on some more sensitive topics I tend to get too emotional and that prevents me from accepting his rational line of questioning; I am working on this part and lately we managed to have thoughtful discussions and debates without this happening. I am starting to internalize more the fact that he is mostly free from "accepted" or preconceived notions, likes to question everything and likes to present me opposing perspectives for the sake of the debate and not to infuriate me. This is a quality that I appreciate. I also appreciate that I can trust him absolutely - he always says what he thinks.

He gets easily distracted and can get completely lost in an activity (usually a computer game). I'm a gamer myself and to an extent I understand this, but sometimes I also find it annoying or worse. I am still getting used to the idea that if I want his attention I have to specifically ask for it. I am used to be constantly aware of what is going on around me even when I'm completely focused on a task, so this is difficult for me to understand and accept.

x2

I like this topic a lot.
All of your observations seem genuine and very insightful, and I found them to be very helpful in improving my understanding of how people perceive us.
Thank you to everyone who has replied to it, and to the OP for posting it!

According to my NT husband: when people ask me questions, I sound brilliant, like I know about everything (I probably do). When I ask people questions I seem slow and dumb, like I don't know anything. I can't really explain this difference.