Are we all AS?

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I'm a mom of a two year old boy, a 6 year old step-son and I am expecting a baby girl in April.

The two year old is currently going through the system to be diagnosed with SOMETHING. He does not speak, was delayed in his gross motor skills and he acts.. well... funny. I love him more than anything, but he's a quirky little guy. Handflappy, over the top excited, screaming Gibberish with glee.. The latest test was a bunch of tubes of blood to test for fragile X and other genetic reasons for developmental delays.

The step-son has been diagnosed with ADHD, but I am frankly more leaning toward ASD with him as well. He does have the constant need to be the center of the universe.. but there's a lot of red flags to me that point in other directions. He does not understand being too close or inside someones 'bubble'. He takes everything literal. You have to be extremely precise with directions, or he doesn't understand or does something unusual instead.

This is all very curious though...

I have social issues. Nothing that's ever been diagnosed, because having social issues, searching for a diagnosis is scary and counter intuitive (yes, let me go to some random doctor to talk about things I don't want to talk about...). I was suicidal as a teen, but it's something I have learned to cope with. I do still deal with depression, again, undiagnosed and untreated. I am overly aware of EVERYTHING, this makes me self-conscious about my social skills. I am ok at making 'friends', but I tend to push people away if they get too close. I don't have friends, anyone that gets into the friendzone is automatically partner material, which is a no-no when you are married. I do have people I enjoy chatting with on my various obsession sites (chickens, gardening). I have very little contact with my remaining family, and I prefer it that way.

My brother has psychiatric issues, although I am not sure if it's ever been 'labeled'. He was always a very stubborn and difficult child, did not do well with authority, played by his own rules.... he had violent tendencies and strange interests. He 'snapped' around 20, went through a phase of hearing voices, suicidal thoughts etc. He currently lives in a halfway home type situation, a group home with his own room, with counseling and guidance.

My mom passed away last summer, but her diagnosis was never set in stone. She's been called manic depressed, bipolar, borderline disorder etc. They never could help her much.. In her younger years she was institutionalized several times. She went through bouts of suicidal tendencies... but her main complaint was always that the world was against her.... she said things that looking back sounded really Aspie. She felt judged, misunderstood....

I'm just wondering.. what if it was all ASD? My mom, my brother, me? I feel out of place a lot. I do have a fairly good idea of peoples social cues, but I feel overly conscious of other peoples thoughts toward me. I feel weird, most of the time. I am pretty reclusive, although I do like to chat online a lot... I guess it's because I can think longer about what I type. But even then, I have a mini panic attack before hitting the 'send' button, afraid I wont come across right. It makes the search for diagnosis for my son that much harder, because it's really hard for me to contact the various agencies that can help. We get in-home early intervention twice a month and that's really draining for me, socially. He needs speech therapy and perhaps other interventions... but it's hard for me to push myself to get out there and take care of it. And I love him, as is.... part of me doesn't want to change him, even though that's selfish and not fair to him.

The REAL curious thing is that my husband has similar awkward things. Probably why we clicked so well... but that means we're also losing the genetic lottery. He's got ADHD tendencies... fidgety, trouble focusing, changes subjects without telling you (so I have no clue that we're talking about something else). He can talk forever about his DIY projects, and will research things until the end of time. He gets obsessed about things (guns, storm shelters, projects). Struggled with depression in younger years.

So basically... we don't know who brought the faulty genes to the party... and that is if it's even a genetic thing going on.

Before I ever had kids I said I would never have kids, they didn't deserve to get my messed up genes.

But you have a child you love very much and will soon have another and they are wonderful! It's not good to think too much about the genetics of people who are already on, or almost on, our planet.

You wrote so much and I'm unsure how to respond to most of it. I can tell you I felt very anxious about having someone come into my house, that it's too messy, too disorganized, worried they'd judge me or not understand my child. It's possible you could get intervention in another location. But in terms of being drained socially, I did not find that. I lucked into great providers, who understood sensory issues and communication difficulties and were both effective for my child and taught me a lot. They seemed to understand me and I felt supported not drained.

Probably both of you brought the genes. Like, has a tendency to attract like.
The similarities between you and your husband are probably what's most strongly bonding your relationship.
AS can demonstrate even in very subtle behavioral ways, maybe even contributing to attraction and bonding.

None-the-less, in today's culture it is perfectly acceptable "to blame it on the guy" (whatever "it" happens to be) so in that view it's clearly not YOUR fault! Heaven forfend!

I'm happy for you.

I wouldn't be so sure that it was AS just because you and your family members feel different, have had developmental issues. Here's the checklist for AS: