Undiagnosed Autistic Adults and PTSD

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The Independent published on the 17th of July:
MoD confirms more British soldiers commit suicide than are killed in battle
Panorama discover that at least 50 serving and veteran soldiers took their own lives in 2012.

I'd like to write some thoughts about a TV program I saw a few days ago. It was called Broken by Battle by Panorama. It left me in floods of tears and really upset about those soldiers who took their own lives due to the lack of support available. I looked at the skies and hoped that they be in a nice place, away from this brutal and painful world. I somehow related to their experiences even though I have never been a soldier, I feel I've have had my own battles to face with undiagnosed Autism. Since the age of 11, I have been depressed and suicidal. People didn't care or understand. I felt so alone and guilty for feeling this way and not being like everyone else. I tried so hard to fit in by looking at other people but the more I tried to fit in, the more I got reminded that I cannot. The program said that these soldiers suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and there was no one who understood them, they were either given lots and lots of pills or put on some form of detox program if they had taken up some sort of addiction like alcohol to feel better, I cried so much when I saw this soldier recording a video for his family just before hanging himself to death. How hopeless and helpless he must have felt to do that. I feel so sad for him and everyone who finds themselves with such a fate. Sadly, the fate for many undiagnosed Autistic adults in not a lot different in my opinion. People think they have a bad attitude and they don't try harder. Life is hard as an Aspie, I know people talk about the advantages and savant skills which is great but the loneliness we endure is so damn painful. I am really inspired after watching that program to start a meet up group in my house where people suffering with PTSD can get together once a week and just share how they feel and be understood and accepted for who they are. I attend a local group which is suppose to be for Adults with Autism but they seem to focus a lot more on what feels like a cult to me. I don't want to join their cult because I have Autism and PTSD, I want to be heard and understood. I don't want to change and be normal like neurotypicals, which I am told to do in the group, I just want to be me and learn to accept and love myself. Please share any thoughts you might have after reading. Thanks for reading.

Try to hold it together, my experience of living as a un-DXed aspie was that it was super stressful and very lonely.

My advice is take care to regulate your stress level, and also regulate your amount of contact with other people. If you get too much of other people you will get over stimulated and this may well jack up your stress level, also you might experience what I would describe as feeling alone in a crowd at things like a party. On the other hand if you get too little contact with others you may feel depressed.

I would also strongly suggest if you are thinking of ending it that you stop and understand that killing yourself is a rather bad and last "solution" to what may be a short term problem. The reason I am mentioning this to a total stranger is that your post did mention suicide. I think that suicide and substance abuse could be special dangers to some aspies, so I would also advise you not to try to drown your sorrows. The problem is that sadness tends to float very well.

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Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

Sorry to hear that Moondust, thanks for sharing.

Thank you, AspiePower. The day I stopped blaming myself I felt as if I'd been born inside prison and suddenly been released. Served a 45-year sentence for having been born.

I too blame myself automatically a lot, but only for a few seconds, then I remind myself my circumstances are very different from those of the people I was conditioned to try and measure up to. And very often I end up proud of myself, thinking "So X does better. Big deal. If I didn't have brain damage and wasn't a childhood abuse survivor, I'd do a lot better than her".

Hello. I survived an armed hold up a few years back and was diagnosed with PTSD. This incident set in place a chain of events that led to my recent breakup with my beloved partners from a long term relationship. This incident also amplified certain weirdnesses I had been struggling with all my life, My ex partners were on the spectrum, and they started to recognise my traits. I self diagnosed myself with Aspergers a few months ago. This was confirmed last week, well, HFA anyway, which from my position is simply fine for now. A severe trait of mine is anxiety. I also think I had PTSD long before the diagnosis of PTSD, long before the armed hold up. Diagnosed with HFA at 41, I don't think it's too late, the diagnosis has already helped me a lot.

I'm really struggling to adjust to my new life, I go to parties and know that feeling of being alone in a crowd. No one excites me like my old friends, but my anxiety set me off so badly that I have totally disgraced myself among them. It hurts badly and I have wanted to die. I mean, I feel so dead, even though people are kind to me and some people seem interested in me, I feel lost, or anxious.

I was glad to hear people expressing a desire to just be themselves and not pretend normality. We don't roll that way, and I'm glad to have an excuse to express long suppressed traits, develop some self acceptance, understand my past "mistakes" and build a life that is more suitable to my special needs.

If you think your support group is a cult, more interested in normalising you than giving you some cultural / synaptic space of your own, then it's probably not a good space for you to be in.

I am 39 years old, and only about a year ago, I learned about Aspergers Syndrome and figured out that it may be what I have that makes me different. I searched for help and was just recently diagnosed.

I have a similar story to the ones above... My whole life has been a struggle without knowing why things are the way they are.

Having to struggle to learn the way others do and not in a way that is better for me, badly needing mentors, constant struggle to fit in, not understanding people, being disliked, being rejected and hated, bullied, beat up, stalked, failure to acquire jobs, difficulty keeping in check with the all demands of work, problems with co workers, problems with people who I have to live around, a failed relationship, great difficulty finding friends or a mate or just someone who is kind to me, making a fool of myself when being serious, not being understood at all, being chewed out, being called crazy, avoiding people for fear of condemnation and interactions going irrepairably badly, missing out on many potential opportunities, failure to advance in career and independence despite focus, effort and trying hard - basically a failure to thrive in life even with all my best efforts..

Psychological repercussions: confusion, sadness, discouragement, loneliness, disappointment, worry, fear, tension, hypervigilance, unable to trust, depression, foreboding, overwhelmed, hopelessness, losing motivation because of the hopeless predicament.

And then there is the physical affects of my difficulties such as muscle tightness and pain, muscle spasms from anxiety and stress, headaches, adrenaline rushes and panic attacks, weariness, back problems, difficulty keeping posture, sensory overloads, nausea and stomach aches, appetite problems, difficulty sleeping or falling asleep.