Feeling stuck

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I have a friend who I cut things off for a while due to calling me excessively. It was getting to the point that I was not enjoying myself without getting harassed via phone calls or texting. So I threatened to call the police on her and cut the relationship loose for a while in July of 2012. They went down to an special vocational school for special needs for an entire year and we re-connected while they did not really want to get together with me. So I cut it off a second time.

We re-connected half another year later and acted like everything was fine. This was a few days ago. I face timed with them for a little tonight before they said that they could get off. We agreed to text via imessage while I used my ipod and ipad. She asked for my phone number and I said that I would give it to her if we met up. I also said that I used i message for a while until then. She got upset and said she could not talk to me anymore.

They then messaged me on my fb page and sent me a picture. Then she said, "Please don't threaten to call the police on me again." I said "Oh that's a long time ago." She gave me a thumb up and I gave them the number and they said "Goodnight."

So I don't know if they are trying to control me or what. I also wonder if I made some sort of mistake in terms of re-adding them on FB or what. I just feel icky right now.

If such, how should I handle this situation because I don't want to dump them but I do want to give it time to cool my jets because I am a little upset and shocked at the response. I love this person but I don't want things to go sour between us so quickly like that. At the same time, I know that I want to establish boundaries without feeling manipulated.

there are more diplomatic ways of setting boundaries without threatening to call the police.

What other ways can I be a bit more diplomatic?

In my experience, the people most worried about being controlled and manipulated are manipulative and controlling people. You see her behaviour via your own issues.



Absolutely. It's manipulative. Cutting people out is hurtful too. Very hurtful.

And you feel uncomfortable because of what? Because she asked you not to threaten to call the police? She made you feel uncomfortable about your own behaviour and you turn it around and make her out to be the bad guy. How about a sorry.

Look, no offence, because I'm sure in millions of ways you're probably completely selfless, but we all have blind spots and in these few ways that you've described you sound like a person that runs from your social responsibility to others and then blames them. If they're contacting you too much you deal with it and sort the problem out, cutting them out might sound like the strong option to your mind that won't allow you to see your own errors to protect you but believe me when I say it's by far the weak option and it will cause endless problems until the day you decide to start dealing with things.

Sorry for the tough love, you're probably awesome in so many ways, aspies are great people. I hope you don't take it wrong, I hope you don't use black and white thinking and take my single negative comment and think I mean you're a completely bad person, because this is not a big thing in the scheme of a person and I don't think it makes you a bad person, just you seem to have a way about you that doesn't exactly consider other people's feelings.

Caleban,



The reason why I snapped like that was because they did a lot of excessive calling if I did not pick up the phone when they wanted. I know that they were very lonely at the time due to their circumstances. (Only child, overly sheltered by parents, they live way out in an excluded area). While I did feel bad, there is only so much you can do because you are not in control of the situation. Because they are that sheltered, their parents let them get away with murder. If they don't get their way, they throw a tantrum. They don't take no for an answer very well. Other than that, they are very good to me and a lot of fun.

Anywho, I, along with some other friends of mine, would get calls up to twenty times in a row if we did not pick up. We tried to set boundaries before and tried to reason with them and their parents. It's like they did not even care. It finally got so bad that I grew overloaded and made the threat because I was up to here. So I cut it off for a while. They did not mention anything about it bothering them before when re-connected for a little while last year so.

They were starting to throw the tatrum tonight and it threw me off because they acted fine and then just seemed a little stand offish with me even before they told me not to make a threat like that. Then they asked for my number and I was trying to be cautious.


All I want to find a civil way to say no without controlling the other person or making them feel bad.

Can anyone do that without making one feel bad?

the best way if someone is pushing you too far and taking up too much of you is to just tell them

I have to do some self-care here and set a boundary, I can't give you what you want right now (whether a number or a commitment to a cause or time to do anything) I will get back to you if I change my mind/get the time to do it or something like that.