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Marshmallows
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13 Dec 2017, 1:01 pm

I'm not sure if this is the right location for this post.. or really even know what I want to say.
May 21st 2017 I lost the love of my life. I feel so... alone, even though my logical side knows I've got plenty who support me (I'm actually currently living with my in-laws, they've been the sweetest, and are really trying to understand what autism is for me, and how to best work together)

Have any of you ever gone through a similar situation? This is the one time where so many of my feelings are apparently "normal" and that in itself is rather hard to deal with.

We were together for 4 years, I knew him since I was 14, our relationship and how we met was definitely an interesting tangle.

I am the one who found him, and I tried to resuscitate him unsuccessfully. I had a PTSD dx to this prior, and recognize the patterns of what is going on now, and I'm trying to get help for it.
We'd been trying for our own children, without success, but I am very much still involved in my step children's lives.



I guess this is more of a blab/ rant... and a "someone who might understand please talk to me" sorta post.
many neurotypicals are trying to help, but some of the things they come out with... make me question who really has the empathy...

Thanks for reading...


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elbowgrease
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14 Dec 2017, 12:25 am

All I can say is that I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you well in the future.



Esmerelda Weatherwax
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14 Dec 2017, 1:52 am

I'm so sorry. You must be devastated.

I haven't been widowed - my relationship losses were breakups - but I have been bereaved, massively, and it's as if part of you also dies with the one you love.

Am about to sign off for the night, but wanted to reach out. It sounds as though you're taking care of yourself, and that you and your in-laws are a comfort to each other. Be gentle with yourself. And yes, neurotypicals can be at a total loss for empathetic supportive responses at times like this. Catastrophic loss frightens some people too much, and they pull away, or try to make it less significant. It's about them, when this happens, not about you - and I'm sure you know that.

If a hug is OK, here's a hug. If you prefer a warm blanket, or a kitten to hold, here they are.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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14 Dec 2017, 7:28 am

So sorry to hear this. I'm much older and I've ad my share of losses, but this is a huge one. I'm just glad you ave people around you who can help. Be strong and be well.


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Marshmallows
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14 Dec 2017, 8:55 am

Esmerelda Weatherwax wrote:
I'm so sorry. You must be devastated.

I haven't been widowed - my relationship losses were breakups - but I have been bereaved, massively, and it's as if part of you also dies with the one you love.

Am about to sign off for the night, but wanted to reach out. It sounds as though you're taking care of yourself, and that you and your in-laws are a comfort to each other. Be gentle with yourself. And yes, neurotypicals can be at a total loss for empathetic supportive responses at times like this. Catastrophic loss frightens some people too much, and they pull away, or try to make it less significant. It's about them, when this happens, not about you - and I'm sure you know that.

If a hug is OK, here's a hug. If you prefer a warm blanket, or a kitten to hold, here they are.


I tried so hard to treat this as if it were a break up. That definitely did not work out. It's true. Half the time I feel like I'm walking around with part of my soul missing. Then I getting rather angry.

I've had a few meltdowns, I feel one coming on again soon.. they've actually been really tame compared to how I used to be (I feel this is due to the fact I'm actually being supported really well, his parents are better at it than my own, I don't have to hide anything) I try to prevent them and let things out little by little, but honestly its really hard to cry even when I want to, it legitimately feels stuck.. unless you get me drinking and then it's like "oh hey feelings, we all knew you were there, nice of you to finally pop out)


I am practicing asking for hugs, physical affection is hard for me to navigate, but lately all I want are hugs and snuggles.


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Marshmallows
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14 Dec 2017, 8:56 am

Thank you to those who have responded thus far. I'm.. okay-ish. Just really could use a group of like minded (not completely neurotypical) folks to talk to.

Life is freaking scary.


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Esmerelda Weatherwax
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14 Dec 2017, 10:20 am

Hi Marshmallows. What I'd do in realspace (imagine this place as an Aspie coffeehouse) is just sit with you, and let you talk or just sit quietly. I'll get the coffee(/tea).
Image

It's so good that you have people who love and support you as much as it sounds like your in-laws do. Just wanted to add that given your age, I can see that you've known your husband for nearly half your life, and you were together for 1/3 of that time. People will say "you're young" but still, you knew him for half your life - that's what matters.


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arachnids
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15 Dec 2017, 5:52 am

Hi marshmallows, my husband died when I was 27. He’d had cancer. I really feel for you and the experience is extremely frightening.

I tried to take one day at a time and not expect too much from myself. It is possible to learn to live with it and it gets easier as time goes on. I know it’s a cliched thing to say, but that is usually how it goes.

I’ll read the thread fully now, I just wanted to respond.


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moarjin
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29 Dec 2017, 4:16 am

I don't really know what to say to you, other than, I'm sorry for your loss.

I know what you mean about the tears being stuck. When my mother died, I cried for a very short time, but then I was done. I still think about her every day, but I never felt like I properly grieved for her. I often feel guilty about that.

The same thing happened when my first wife left me, although I did have several meltdowns at the time.

Someone described it to me as being the same way a child would grieve, meaning, once the initial shock is over, they just put it all in a box and move on (emotionally speaking). It's simply too much for a child to process.
I think it's the same for me. A look at my EQ score will tell you that I'm not equipped to handle huge emotional trauma, so I think I just squashed it all down, simply because I didn't understand it.

I'm not sure if it's healthy, but it helps me to understand my apparent lack of grief.

I hope you are able to work through this.
Again, I am sorry for your loss.


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Marshmallows
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30 Jan 2018, 2:26 pm

Esmerelda Weatherwax wrote:
Hi Marshmallows. What I'd do in realspace (imagine this place as an Aspie coffeehouse) is just sit with you, and let you talk or just sit quietly. I'll get the coffee(/tea).
Image

It's so good that you have people who love and support you as much as it sounds like your in-laws do. Just wanted to add that given your age, I can see that you've known your husband for nearly half your life, and you were together for 1/3 of that time. People will say "you're young" but still, you knew him for half your life - that's what matters.


Your post really struck me, thank you, a lot of people are saying the whole "you're young" bit... and only you have pointed out how long he was in my life.

Lately I'm struggling again.. it's almost a year since he left me.. and there is a very sweet man at work who knows of the situation, is infatuated with me, but being respectful as hell and is even reading about autism in women, widows etc and I'm actually starting to like him back.. but that is a whole slew of emotions I'm not entirely ready to process.



I recently got sick with the flu, and the only big thing I can feel is missing my love .


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Esmerelda Weatherwax
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30 Jan 2018, 3:46 pm

^^ I'm glad that my post helped, although of course I wish your situation was different and no post needed.

One day at a time - it's a slogan, yes, a cliche, yes, but it's also sensible when recovering from trauma or loss or both. There isn't a standard timetable for grief. It takes as long as it takes. It sounds as though you are doing everything right, as much as you can.

Hugs. Coffee.

About the flu: here in the States we seem oblivious to the fact that flu often has a strong psychological effect. It can cause a lingering depression. (Our European friends have known this for over a century.) Take it a day at a time, don't push yourself, let yourself miss him, let your in-laws help you.

The tactful gentleman sounds like someone worth knowing better. If he's what he seems to be, he won't push, and he won't try to "replace" your first love. Don't worry about that now. You can get to know him at your own pace and if he's what he seems, he will be OK with that, and OK with wherever your friendship leads. There's time.

Coffee. Hugs.

Esme


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-- Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!


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31 Jan 2018, 1:08 am

I'm so, so sorry. You're incredibly resilient, just from the fact that you're on here and clearly trying to recover from such a big impact to your life. I can't say I'd be strong enough. I think you'll make it through.


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31 Jan 2018, 3:02 am

I have not had that experience no, but that sounds pretty devastating. I do however struggle with complex-PTSD from other kinds of events...I have been able to gain a lot of control over it through counseling and a couple stays in psych wards. But the trouble is even if you get it at bay there is no way to stop all the triggers. In a lot of ways I have moved past the things that caused my PTSD but from time to time it still gets me by surprise. The other night I had a bit of a panic attack because of some stomping in the apartment above mine that started to remind me of gunfire...one of my PTSD traumas has to do with someone I knew being shot but I have to say I was rather proud of how well I was able to kind of self calm and go back to the activity I was doing.

Anyways don't want to derail, but just wanted to say whilst I can't quite imagine the specific situation you are going through, I do know how difficult PTSD can be to deal with so I do understand that aspect. Also some of the feelings you have are 'normal' but if you know its a bit deeper than that like PTSD level it can be endlessly frustrating to have people assure you what you're going through is 'normal', even if maybe they do have the best of intentions.


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31 Jan 2018, 5:28 am

I have not been through the specific struggle you stated, but just wanted to say that it’s awfully sad and it must have been horrible for you. Extremely heartbreaking. Hang in there. :heart:



Marshmallows
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31 Jan 2018, 8:19 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
I have not had that experience no, but that sounds pretty devastating. I do however struggle with complex-PTSD from other kinds of events...I have been able to gain a lot of control over it through counseling and a couple stays in psych wards. But the trouble is even if you get it at bay there is no way to stop all the triggers. In a lot of ways I have moved past the things that caused my PTSD but from time to time it still gets me by surprise. The other night I had a bit of a panic attack because of some stomping in the apartment above mine that started to remind me of gunfire...one of my PTSD traumas has to do with someone I knew being shot but I have to say I was rather proud of how well I was able to kind of self calm and go back to the activity I was doing.

Anyways don't want to derail, but just wanted to say whilst I can't quite imagine the specific situation you are going through, I do know how difficult PTSD can be to deal with so I do understand that aspect. Also some of the feelings you have are 'normal' but if you know its a bit deeper than that like PTSD level it can be endlessly frustrating to have people assure you what you're going through is 'normal', even if maybe they do have the best of intentions.


I'd dealt with PTSD issues before due to a prior situation, that was rather hellish if you don't mind me saying, it took so so so long before I trusted anyone to actually help me.
Now more providers know about this so I can't hide it as I did last time... and last times is now starting to feel like it was a cake walk at this point, not that it wasn't horrific at the time, this just seems to have a whole extra layer I never thought about.

The therapist I originally had kind of bounced on me, now I'm working on trusting a new woman.... bad timing ex therapist, bad timing. I don't trust people well.



Oddly enough I don't have too many of anyone telling me anything is normal. His parents have helped me greatly, and are "safe" people for me to talk to, and a co-worker I've become close to who lost a sister gives me (only when I want it) advice.

It seems like the rest of the world has forgotten he's dead, or ever was, or that I"m still here trying not to turn into a a crazy lady.


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