How to communicate wants/needs to Aspie BF?

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NT female here. My AS guy is 47, divorced from an abusive, alcoholic psychopath, joint custody of two kids, aged 11 and 13. He just lost his father a month ago (to cancer). He is working or out of town on business, basically every waking moment. He has a staff of 21, a reliable second-in-command, enjoys being "captain of the team," and is making piles of money. Work is basically his Special Interest right now. I'm glad he's in such a good groove, and don't want to complain or interfere.

But: since the beginning of this year, he has made plans to come over to my place about ten times, and canceled every time except once. A few times he's just blown me off. That happens with his kids sometimes too. He feels guilty and apologizes . . . but he keeps doing it. I've been let down so many times now, I don't see much point in trying to schedule a meet-up, since it's so likely he'll just cancel anyway. I don't even look forward to it anymore. We agree on a day and time, and then I just forget about it and go about my business like any other day.

Yet, my sense is that I'm "in" with him, emotionally. We've overcome a lot of his trust issues, and he claims he's really horny and really wants to have sex with me. He says he looks forward to seeing me, and apologizes if it takes him a few days to respond to my text messages. That's nice. We've made a lot of progress, and it has taken a very long time to get to this point. I have worked hard to modify my expectations and my communications, just like all the NT/AS advice books describe, and it seems to be working. So I am being as sweet, patient, flexible, understanding, and tolerant as a human being could possibly be, and he is responding well to that.

Great! Except . . . this is taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R!! ! At this rate, I will be a wrinkled old lady before I get to see him more than twice a year! Sometimes I go mad with sexual and emotional frustration. It can be draining to not let that show, and to stifle the anger and negativity. He seems to feel obligated to check in with me every couple of weeks, so I feel fairly secure in the relationship. But it's not a relationship - it's an abstraction. Except for the occasional text message or Skype call, it's basically imaginary. He seems to be ok with that. I am not. I need more. But I don't know what to do about that.

When we talked this week, the only thing he expressed interest in was Skype sex (which we've done several times before). But that doesn't interest me anymore, because I am starved and want the real thing. So starved, I am tempted to look elsewhere, despite how much I love this guy, and how far we've come. We've been trying to get together to have sex for months now. Yet, we live only 5 miles apart!! ! My view is, he has structured his life in such a way that there is very little space for a girlfriend right now. So I don't understand why he is more or less treating me like one.

I am busy too, and I think I need less than most NT women do. For now, an overnight once every couple of weeks, for example, would be fine. But even that minimal need is not being met, so I am at my wits' end. There's just no there there. I'm sure I'll hear from him again, but I have no idea when. I'm sure he'll want to get together again, but (1) that may not be until August, and (2) I no longer believe he'll actually show up.

He likes assertive women who take the initiative, and I'm capable and willing. But how? I don't want to say, "I need sex. You need to follow through and make time for me, or I'll go find someone who will." To me, that is not assertive. That is demanding and threatening - something his vicious ex-wife would say. He's buried at work, and his father just died, for pete's sake. I don't want to be insensitive. But he has got to do more sometime soon here.

It is entirely possible that he feels the same way. He may be bored to tears too, waiting for me to take the lead!

I can do that. I can be more direct about how unsatisfied I am with the current situation, and identify some things he could do to remedy that. I can also just shut up and be patient a while longer too, if that is what's best for now. But either way, I'm afraid that any expression of my own needs, will provoke a meltdown, remind him of his psycho ex, and/or get me thrown out of his life. Also, he says no to almost everything I ask or suggest. After asking 1,000 times, and getting "no" 995 times, it seems almost pointless to ask a 1,001st time. Almost.

I'm out of ideas, and not sure what I should say or do, if anything. Any suggestions?

I dont think he will ever meet your needs.

you are trying harder and and making efforts in the hopes that he will be more loving but whilst he may appreciate not having demands made of him, I dont think he will ever give more.

from all Ive read of aspie guys on forums, their interest/effort goes down in time not up, I think your working hard on a fruitless task.

the begining of a relationship is normally as good as it gets for aspies efforts.

He's using you as a backup. He only contacts you every fortnight because he wants to make sure you're still there, hanging on to him, while he puts in minimal effort, feeding you crumbs because he knows you'll still hang around.

He isn't interested. If he was, he would see you. Actions speak louder than words, always remember that in relationships. It sounds like patronizing advice but most people, including me, don't understand it at the time. You have to remind yourself. People can tell you they want to be with you until the cows come home. The words, "I love you" don't mean anything without evidence from the person who said it. People can tell you that they're not the kind of people who lie or misbehave in any way. They may be quite moralistic and caring about other people and whatever their interests are. Most often those people are the complete opposite of what they say. They usually don't care about something or someone in their lives.

And not acting on his promises is blatent disrespect. He is telling you via actions that he isn't interested. He won't tell you how it is, otherwise that will be more drama for him. He may never tell you that he's uninterested. He may always pretend that he is interested. It gives him a nice, big, ego boost.

My ex did that to me and my confidence was wrecked. It was when he pretended he would show up on my birthday, and didn't come...was when I realised what a horrible man he was. He even apologised for not showing up, but what does an apology really mean? What do words really mean? Without evidence - absolutely nothing.

Ah well, this highlights how my communications need to improve. I'm actually pretty happy with how things are going! The pace is glacial, yes. But I'm less concerned with how much time is passing, so long as things are moving in the right direction. And they are. That's fine if having me around gives him an ego boost. His responsiveness is good for my ego too.

I've held off on asking to see more of him, primarily because watching his father succumb to cancer these last several months has been scary and painful for him. (The last time he came over for sex, in February, he kind of melted down about how vulnerable it made him feel. That was understandable and ok. I just listened). I've felt it would be selfish of me to make demands during such a difficult time.

However, now there are no unusual stressors in his life, so I think it's becoming a good time to speak up. I'd just like to see a little more of him, spend a little more time with him, and have sex a couple of times a month. And I'd like him to be more reliable about showing up.

A couple of months ago, he asked me for detailed, step-by-step instructions on how to give me an orgasm. I provided them . . . but Step 1 should have been, SHOW UP!

My sense is that he has no idea what my wants/needs/expectations are, since I have never told him. So, doesn't it make sense that I should at least tell him? I don't think anything I want is unreasonable, and I think he wants to please me. I think he just doesn't know what to do. He hasn't asked me for any structure or rules, and I haven't provided any. I never needed to, in my previous relationships with NT men, but that may not be a winning strategy here.

So I'd be interested to hear from AS men in good relationships: how can I be assertive, without coming across as critical, bitchy, or demanding?

This doesn't seem much of a relationship.
If I were in a relationship, I would need more from my boyfriend that this.

So it has taken me four decades to understand that other people don't think the same way I do, but this strains all possible credulity.

I can tell you that when I am really horny, I will pretty much do whatever it takes to fulfill that desire and my understanding is that this is more or less the biological setup. I once had a girlfriend at a university several hundred miles from the place where I was and I used to spend long, long hours on the bus traveling to and from that campus. Desire for my girlfriend made me overcome all kind of anxieties and push through all kinds of obstacles that normally would have stopped me.

I don't understand what libido could be other this, though I guess it is different for different people.

That said, I can't believe that he is actually really horny, really wants to have sex with you, is looking forward and then is a no show.



Implausible to the point of inconceivability.

Is it possible he is concealing some major sensory issues? Something that makes physical intimacy painful or scary to him?

I don't think he is going to make you happy.

I don't know how he has managed to convince you that your making very reasonable demands would somehow make you like his evil ex, but don't buy it. You have rights to be respected and well treated, no matter what his history or issues may be. Ask nicely but firmly (and really, most guys dream of such demands!) and then cut your losses if he tries to convince you that you don't deserve it or otherwise refuses to deliver the basic, minimal elements of a relationship.

Yep. What they said. And...you know, I doubt you really want to think about this stuff, but if he's blowing off his kids, and they find out that he's made time for you, well, that'll hurt them, and they'll remember it for pretty much ever.

If he's like this, chances are too that his ex isn't so alcoholic and psychopathological. She's probably a very unhappy, stressed-out, angry lady who had kids with a manipulative guy who abandoned her without actually leaving, and maybe she stuck around trying to make it work for the kids' sake. Now she's raising them on her own and trying to help them deal with whatever issues arise from being, you know, told pretty forcefully that their dad's not so interested in them. That does tend to make a mother kind of A-bomb furious, seeing her kids hurt.

I'm guessing you don't like the word "manipulative", either, but that's what he's being to you. Please stop making excuses for him. You deserve better, but you won't be getting it from him. I think maybe you're misunderstanding, about the ego boost thing -- you're being used. You are not in any way a priority for him. He isn't really interested in knowing what you want. He's a guy managing a lot of people; he knows how to ask questions if he wants them answered.

The next one you find should treat you MILES BETTER. And honestly, don't involve yourself with a man who blows off his kids. That's a profoundly selfish guy.

Wow. Projection isn't just a river in Egypt!

I've known this guy for 18 years. Our history would fill a very thick book. We've been here before.

Also: we are both lawyers. Went to law school together. Inhumanly long hours with very little free time is just how it goes. It isn't the life many people would choose, but many of us did, so here we are. In this profession, there's nothing unusual about couples who don't get to spend much time with each other, or their kids. It's a different culture, with different expectations.

When he blows off his kids, it's because he gets stuck in court, or a flight delay, or something work-related. He acknowledges that he's not a perfect father, but he is determined to do the best he can. He was the primary caregiver for a while when they were younger - because mom was off somewhere, drunk and/or drugged up - and I know first-hand the price he paid to protect them from their mother's hysterical rages. If those kids ever doubt his love, I can assure them 1000 times over that, imperfect as Dad may be, he cares a LOT.

With me, he may be a no-show because he still doesn't feel 100% emotionally safe. He has expressed a fear of emotional intimacy, which of necessity goes along with sexual intimacy. He wants sex, and he wants to connect. But his ex really brutalized him and took advantage of him and destroyed his capacity to trust, so I'm being as sensitive and patient as I can. I just feel like I'm missing something obvious, something I could say or do, to help him feel safe. Or it could be that I'm not providing any structure, so the expectations aren't clear.

I'm reading a book that is really helpful. Connecting with your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy, by Louise Weston. Positive and constructive!

It sounds like you need to be dunked multiple times in it.



People lose interest over time. So what?



Right. You've basically just said that you do the same job, which makes you equal in terms of time. You can make the time for him, yet he can't. Why?



He is lying to you. He isn't as nice as he portrays. As has been said, if he really wanted sex and it is offered to him - people are very instinctive creatures - they will go and get sex.

FWIW - his "Woe is me" and blaming other people or events for his issues is a major red flag, BTW. A very common manipulative tactic is making you feel sorry for them, to get what they want. They can be very convincing.

Actually, I chose a different career path. I can make time for him, because

(1) my job allows tremendous flexibility,
(2) I'm not out of town 2-3 weeks out of every 4,
(3) I don't have kids to look after,
(4) I don't have a volatile, wealthy ex-spouse harassing me every chance they get, and
(5) I haven't had to spend months making a 2000-mile trek every couple of weeks to go visit a dying parent.

I mean, c'mon. Between work, travel, parents, and kids, he barely gets a moment to catch his breath. He's getting chunky because he doesn't even have time to go to the gym, something that has a-l-w-a-y-s been part of his daily routine. Chances are, he hasn't made me a priority, because I haven't asked him to. Because I feel bad for him, and don't want him to burn out.

With so many obligations, the last thing he needs is some Negative Nancy ragging on him! When we spend time together, I want it to be relaxed and fun, which isn't how it will go, if he feels pressured. Sure nuff, when I shut up and give him space, I hear from him more often, and he's sweeter and more apologetic. He's happier, I'm happier. Yay! I'd just like to make a few tweaks, and I don't want to bungle it when I try to communicate that.

Projection?

Maybe it's just reading comprehension?

People are responding to the information you provided and it seems you don't want to hear what they have to say.

In any case, I hope you are happy with whatever direction you choose.

My apologies. I was just feeling boxed in and stuck, and did not mean to express so much negativity. I work very hard never to be negative with him, so sometimes it leaks out elsewhere, when I'm having a moment of frustration.

The fact is, I chose my direction a long time ago. I love this guy, and I intend to grow old with him. I just think our communications need to improve, and I know I have to take the lead. I'm just not sure how to go about it!

Katie, the dude doesn't have time for you, and isn't likely to make time for you. I get that he's a terribly busy and succesful trial lawyer, but he picked that job. My ex-SIL's a lawyer too, long hours, two kids, and the biggest concession to the job is that they don't eat things that aren't microwaveable. But she's there. And I'm a single mom who could be off someplace making a whole lot more money, but I don't because currently that's the price of being there for the kid. So okay, I have to bite my nails about replacing my 26-yo car with a 14-yo car. And trust me, getting chunky is just part of the job. Again, this is parenthood. 3/4 of my closet is stuff I can't wear. I used to be some kind of tiny little cute thing with a standing running-shoe order.

Kids don't care why you're not showing up if it turns into a regular thing and it's not because you've been captured by an invading army. And it really doesn't matter how much the parent may love them and have the warm loving feels about them from that airport far away. You're there or you're not.

If he's so interested in you, and so randy-at-a-5-mi-distance, and you've got this long great history together, the obvious thing would be to move in, but I'm guessing he's not really into that idea, either.

It's possible for a guy to be a wonderful, madly attractive person and a terrible partner. And if that's the case, you already got the best part: the attraction. But blood, stone, etc.

I've had the same thought many times, that moving in together would be the obvious solution. However, I've yet to ask him. I would like to, but I've thought we should at least have sex first, before taking up such weighty question! I just never imagined it would take nearly so long.

I'm also not 100% sure how I feel about co-habiting right now. I am terrified of his ex, and he may be too. When she finds out I'm in the picture, it will set off WWIII. Stalking, harassment, property damage, lawsuits, violence . . . she's done it all before. For now, there's no way she could know I'm around, and I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible. That's why I haven't met the kids yet, and have no intention to push for it. I care about them, and I ask after them. But reproducing with that woman was a really huge, irreversible mistake, and I want to stay safely outside the blast radius. Besides, I'm really happy with where I live right now.

Then, there are HIS issues/concerns. He can be quite formal and has some rigid rules. He is uncomfortable even thinking about sex when the kids are in the house. He won't even talk to me by Skype when they are home. I doubt he'd be capable of having sex with me in his own house, even when they are absent. I suspect the ex screamed and threatened and scared the bejesus out of him, about ever sleeping with another woman, or letting one anywhere near "her" kids. The divorce was finalized almost 3 years ago, but it would not surprise me if he internalized her copious verbal abuse.

So instead of thinking negatively about the man I love as "squeezing blood from a stone," I think of him as an abused stray cat. Easily freaked out but in need of TLC. I get impatient sometimes, but I want to take it slow and gentle, and show him a new way of relating, so he'll relax, and feel secure, and gain some trust.

I don't think he is interested in a balanced relationship. It's about getting his needs met, not yours, whatever he says. Words don't count for much. Does he consistentlygive you attention/affection/appreciation/approval/validation? Does he meet any of your emotional needs in a consistent way? You meet more of his needs, at his convenience, than you get back from him. Unequal relationships are particularly harmful for the less equal partner, who tends to give more and more as they get less and less over time. I don't think it's about his ASD issues so much as his egocentric intentions towards you, though you may not want to consider this (yet).

Have a look at David Richo's book: How to be an Adult in Love. He provides some very useful insights into the components of helathy and unhealthy relationships, and why we get stuck in unhealthy ones.

Then start planning to let him go...

Right now you sound very stuck in the need to make excuses for continuing no matter what. Sounds very codependent on your side.

I guess when it comes to talking to Aspie people, there is a certain kind of direct that you have to be. Share details, tell him your feelings, be delicate. Just really paint him a picture, so that he would get what you mean.