Gone as far as I can go?

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In a couple of weeks I will turn 32 (pretty shocking to really imagine that for real, because apparently as with many people on the spectrum, I tend to seem younger at times.) Over the last week or so though I've been thinking more about the ideas both of how many years have gone by and how many I likely have left on Earth. In no way is this intended to be a negative thing. It is what it is I suppose, but not meant to come off at all as negative. One dominant thought when considering my life so far has been that really I may have gone as far as i can go in life. Not that I'm about to drop dead or anything (WAAAAAY too young to worry about that lol.) More like I simply cannot really hit any big milestones, and there is logically really nowhere to go from here.

I have a job, I enjoy, and that is truly, one would think, far more suited to an NT person. (Retail field, front end, people coming through in piles every hour and I actually keep up. Haha, I think they even actually like me. I've been in a primarily NT work force and working with the public for years. I started once out of necessity and lack or any other job option, and kept it up for the constant challenge and "social training." Unfortunately though I am now about to turn 32 in the retail field. Low pay, forever renting a home I will never own, no savings, or getting very far ahead. I've pursued the dream of higher education over the years to no end, but again and again come to the same end. No funding, no way to get loans, cant afford to live in a city near a school, programs unwilling to take a chance on my stated career goals and help me. I think by now I've come to accept that ship has sailed and I'm only going to drown trying to chase it down. I am single and it looks like I might just be staying that way. I dont know how to date very well, the few relationships I have had have crumbled over problems related to my behavior and confusion over emotions, and the older I get logically the less I will have to really offer a mate. Of course everyone I know is either married or planning weddings now. There are little ones all over the place and ladies constantly announcing new ones on the way. Couples are buying their first or second homes and moving up and onward. Many are divorcing and starting over, and leaving town and changing careers,a nd taking that second crack at that old once nearly dead dream they stuffed in the closet. The world just moves and moves. It keeps on spinning around the sun and working with the people, I see it everyday. I know just how fast life can move. And yet mine seems to stand still, unchangeable, unmoving. It's not as if I;m lonely. lol, I imagine it would take ages for one of us to get lonely. I'm just saying life is not moving when most others it seems are.

Being both single and without education and a real career, it seems to me are things that when combined, close doors to much else that can be achieved in life. I feel at times like one day 30 more years will have passed and I will still be the same person in the same town living the same life, only I'll look much older by then. Sure I might work in a new store, or have found a new hobby, maybe learned to knit or started taking a cooking class for fun, but my peers will be grandparents and world travelers, retired thrill seekers, and inhabitants of those quaint and friendly seniors condos on the edge of town. But I'll still be the same me of days gone by, living alone in a place with now much higher rent, paycheck to paycheck, not much help to fix a dripping tap in the tab, no photos in frames to line my living room walls, thinking of one day leaving work, and having emotional outbursts downtown sometimes with my then gray hair and all. I have done little compared to most people I guess, but it's more than was often implied in childhood. On some occasions people wondered, could I have a nice place alone? Could I drive? Could I find a job by myself without a placement service or something? Could I make decent decisions and stand by them? I nailed every one of those things as well as anyone else could have. And to pass for an NT, (at least when I'm trying,) well I guess that's all great so far. Still though I wonder, what else is there? I'm only in my early 30s. I want to do more yet.

Do you have any special interests you have not have had time to pursue?

I relate quite strongly to your post, because my life has a very similar story to yours, regarding all the aspects of life that you describe.

I too feel that from here on out, my life really doesn't have many more possibilities for improvement, and I too am stuck in the "renting 'til I die" situation, the "single from here on" situation, and other scenarios you mention. We have a lot in common regarding our work, housing and personal histories and situations.

I don't have any life-changing advice to offer (or I'd be implementing it myself and maybe not even be here much anymore, lol!) but the best I can offer is what I'm doing -- I just try to find my joy in whatever makes me happy; in my passions and interests. That sounds very small and insular, and I guess it is, there's no denying. But if it gets me through each day to enjoy the little things I like in life, sometimes that's the best I can do.

Having said that, I'd be remiss not to mention that 32 is still relatively young in the overall grand scheme of things!

I know that you probably don't think it is -- when I turned 30 I too thought "Sheesh, I'm old now!"

I'm now 52 and seriously out of options that I now see were actually still quite possible at 32.

There IS still time for you to find a relationship that works for you. No matter how old a person gets, new relationships can still start. There still may be time -- and new situations financially -- to find yourself in a better position to buy a home. I'm now over the age limit to even be considered for a mortgage! That was a shock when I found out. There's still time for you even though right now you don't see how the finances would work at present.

I'm just saying, there is still actually quite a lot of time for things to change, new situations to appear in your life, in a number of ways. Things still changed a lot for me from 32 onward. Some of those changes I blew, admittedly, contributing to me being in the same basic life pattern and limitations -- but you don't have to.

There is still a lot left to live for and still a lot of scope for life to surprise you and change what you're doing and what is coming.

In the meantime, enjoy your passions/special interests. Spend your free time finding the little joys. Or even turn outward into helping others, volunteering in a field you are drawn to, work with people or animals at a charity; lots of ways to give to others, and it takes you out of yourself.

32 is still young enough for lots of things in life to come down the highway and change things in good ways.


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