Advice for newlyweds?

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Just wondering if anyone who has been in a long-term marriage would be willing to give some advice to someone about to get married within the next year. We have been cohabiting for the last three years (with his children) if that helps at all.

Don't expect marriage to change your relationship. Congratulations.

As you have already been living together for three years, basically not much will change or feel different, usually, at least, it shouldn't. The ceremony and the piece of paper shouldn't make anything alter too much from what it's already been like for you guys as a partnership.

Some people feel that it does, in some esoteric, psychological way, sometimes for the better, sometimes worse, but really it shouldn't feel different. You have already been committed to each other and your lives joined together, so there won't be any shocks. I think the real shocks come to the people who have only just moved in together. You guys have done all that adjusting.

So, just enjoy your impending nuptials and have a wonderful day celebrating making it official!

For any relationship-- learn something new together often.

We have been married almost 25 years. I got my diagnosis about 15 years ago, so the first 10 were very difficult.
Now that we both know what AS is all about it has made it easier but still at times my wife will forget what I have difficulty with or expect me to act NT in situations that want to make me run for the hills.
The biggest thing that helps is when I'm having difficulty or in a situation that is making me uncomfortable to vocalize it so she knows and if I react that doesn't come out of the blue.

Also to not be afraid when you are having or about to have a melt down to simply say that you need some down time alone for a couple minutes.

Now here is the part where the AS person has to work too...pay attention...it is so hard sometimes because, let's face it, the empathy isn't always there. Notice him/her, compliment them, when you are engrossed in something and they begin to talk to you, say hang on a second so I can pay attention. Try to remember to do the little things, that has been my biggest challenge.

I'm going to give you some wedding advice that I wish someone had given me.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Enjoy the day. Guests would rather eat plenty of good quality plain food than have a fancy wedding meal. Wear comfortable shoes.

Marriage advice. I'm in a failed marriage, but still in it. My marriage would be tons better if he remembered to ask me how my day was, took interest in my life, or asked "How can I help?" when I'm physically or emotionally distressed or had sex with me at least once a week.

Logically, nothing has changed, it's just a piece of paper, however my experience is that everything changed in the way I felt. My advice:

1. Treat the marriage as something valuable to be defended in it's own right, not just a contract which you gain from.
2. Keep observing and learning always. You'll be constantly surprised. Be open to change.
3. Spend time together. Spend time together. Spend more time together.
4. Do fun stuff together, go off to places, arrange things.
5. Learn about languages of love. Google that. This is absolutely critical.
6. Apologise a lot, really a lot. In 50 years time you will not regret losing an argument about toast. You will regret a divorce.
7. Be / get really good with money. Statistically most divorces are caused by money. I listen to Dave Ramsay on this one.

Finally, I'm a Christian, I couldn't have survived this long with my NT partner without that.

1) Work hard.

2) Ask little of him.

3) Speak little; make most of the words out of your mouth "I love you," "What can I do for you today," and suchlike.

4) Push your friends away. Make sure he is always your best friend, by eliminating anyone who is easier to talk to at any point in time.

5) If you have any family left, make them less important in your life. You're a woman?? You belong to his family now. Both in the sense of membership (though never on the same level with those born into the family-- you will always be second-rate), and also in the sense of property.

6) Unless they are "Happy, Hungry, or Horny," keep your feelings to yourself.

7) Be interested in sex at least twice a week, whether you are interested or not. Make sure to look, sound, and act interested. Get good at handjobs and oral sex. Learn to fake an orgasm, and get over any compunctions you might have about doing it.

8.) Unless he shares your hobbies, learn to live without them. If he's OK with it, you can still sneak them into odd moments of time when the rest of your work is done, but you're not going to have the leisure for them that you once did.

9) Take your time alone when he is doing something for school, or work, or with his friends. If you ask for time to yourself, he's going to think you are cheating. Learn to need less of it.

10) You don't need a theory of everyone's mind, but you do need a theory of his. Once you say "I Do," his mind is the only one that matters. Develop a theory of his mind, and conform your mind to it.

I'm really sorry-- these are not beautiful things to tell a newlywed. They do not have a place in a Hallmark card or in a book about marriage (Christian or otherwise). They're not nice, and they're not happy.

They are, however, the distilled wisdom of my sixteen years of marriage. My husband rants and rails about it not being that way when I say these things aloud...

...but quietly putting them into practice definitely cuts down on arguments, reduces his frustration, and generally makes our marriage sweeter and our home less filled with contention and tension (at least, when I can manage to make myself happy about it all, there is less tension; the rest of the time, they tell me there is a palpable feeling of a braided steel cable about to snap in the air around me).

Not so sure about this:

) Work hard.

Yes.

2) Ask little of him.

No. But be sure to fill up the 'love bank' before you make any withdrawals. A marriage is supposed to be about mutual support. Always try to give more than you receive. If both partners do this: magic. If you give, give, give and never ask for help, he won't feel needed. And you won't feel fulfilled.

3) Speak little; make most of the words out of your mouth "I love you," "What can I do for you today," and suchlike.

Yikes! Always say I love you and what can I do for you today - but speak on issues of mutual interest. Speak with love and caring. Cultivate conversation.

4) Push your friends away. Make sure he is always your best friend, by eliminating anyone who is easier to talk to at any point in time.

Do not push your friends away. No one can provide all of what you need in a marriage. If your friends give you love, accept that. But your friends are always less important than the marriage.


5) If you have any family left, make them less important in your life. You're a woman?? You belong to his family now. Both in the sense of membership (though never on the same level with those born into the family-- you will always be second-rate), and also in the sense of property.

No. Your family is your family. Again, they should be less important than the family you've made. But they are not unimportant. They are certainly not less important than HIS family. But make his family important, too.

6) Unless they are "Happy, Hungry, or Horny," keep your feelings to yourself.

Wha??? You have needs, too!

7) Be interested in sex at least twice a week, whether you are interested or not. Make sure to look, sound, and act interested. Get good at handjobs and oral sex. Learn to fake an orgasm, and get over any compunctions you might have about doing it.

Yeah, that's pretty good advice. Have sex when you're feeling meh about it - it may be just the thing you need.

8.) Unless he shares your hobbies, learn to live without them. If he's OK with it, you can still sneak them into odd moments of time when the rest of your work is done, but you're not going to have the leisure for them that you once did.

She probably already knows this with three kids. Learn to live with LESS of them.

9) Take your time alone when he is doing something for school, or work, or with his friends. If you ask for time to yourself, he's going to think you are cheating. Learn to need less of it.

There is always less me time when you're in a family. Prioritise time together. But don't give up really important things. Everyone needs a girl's night/ boy's night sometimes. . Sometimes with kids, we have to take these things in shifts and not just when he's doing something fun or other times. If he's worried about you cheating, then there's something wrong. Misplaced jealousy is a relationship killer.

10) You don't need a theory of everyone's mind, but you do need a theory of his. Once you say "I Do," his mind is the only one that matters. Develop a theory of his mind, and conform your mind to it.

Hmmm... I'm not sure. But I'm on not the spectrum, so maybe this is good advice for an aspie.






I'm really sorry-- these are not beautiful things to tell a newlywed. They do not have a place in a Hallmark card or in a book about marriage (Christian or otherwise). They're not nice, and they're not happy.

They are, however, the distilled wisdom of my sixteen years of marriage. My husband rants and rails about it not being that way when I say these things aloud...

...but quietly putting them into practice definitely cuts down on arguments, reduces his frustration, and generally makes our marriage sweeter and our home less filled with contention and tension (at least, when I can manage to make myself happy about it all, there is less tension; the rest of the time, they tell me there is a palpable feeling of a braided steel cable about to snap in the air around me).
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