Question from an NT wife

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I have been married to my husband nearly 18 years and we recently found out he has Aspergers. This was somewhat of a relief because it helped me to understand our communication issues. When we have any sort of conflict, he completely shuts down and is unable to talk to me, sometimes for days. The only explanation he can give is that he is very uncomfortable. Last night, he said the discomfort is too much for him to handle and he wants a divorce. Please help me understand what he means when he says he's uncomfortable. When he is like this he is unable to speak, he tries, but sometimes just noises come out.

Please help me understand what he is going through. I love him and don't want to throw away 18 years of marriage.

It's an Aspie thing. You wouldn't understand.

I'd like to try.

His body is shutting down non-essential systems like speech in response to the overwhelming emotional stimulus your conflict is causing him.

Thank you, that is really helpful. It makes his response less frustrating and hurtful. I appreciate your input.

I'm sorry you're losing this guy.

I hope you had some happiness with him.

I wonder if this is a case of somebody "moving on," rather than it being "your fault."

I have a wife...and I, sometimes, feel like "moving on."

Sometimes, I feel like I need someone who understands me.

It's not my wife's fault, though. She's a good person, like you're probably a good person.

Who knows? Maybe you could reconcile!

Thank you for that, I would love to reconcile. He is a good man, I think we just have challenges understanding each other. I thought we were overcoming them, but I didn't understand how hard it was for him to discuss things. For many years I just buried stuff to avoid this reaction in him, but eventually it caused resentment. The past few months have been good and we were able to work through some things. I thought we had made real progress, then we had a little bump in the road and he said he couldn't handle it anymore.

He is not able to answer this question for me because it's too uncomfortable, but do any of you think bringing up issues in a calm, non emotional way is better than when I'm filled with emotion? I guess I'm asking if it's the conflict itself that causes the shut down or the emotion, or a combination of both. I am willing to change to make it better. I'm not ready to give up. I realize not everybody is the same, but any insight might help me save my marriage. Thank you!

How would he react to you stroking his hand while you ask these questions?

I think it's important for him to believe that he is a viable, sexy person.

If you could convey that fact to him, the chances of reconciliation are much better, in my opinion.

I am willing to try that. Maybe I am fooling myself, but I think he doesn't really want to end the marriage, just the "uncomfortable feeling" he gets. If I can learn how to help ease that feeling, or not cause it in the first place, maybe he would be willing to give it another chance.

I tend to respond to the "softer" aspects of people. Maybe if you show your "soft" side, he will respond.

Sometimes, people feel the desire to "socialize" those who are not "sociable." This causes lots of problems--and induces stubbornness on the part of the "unsociable" one.

Now...I think people should try to be pleasant at all times. But when one tries to "force" me to be pleasant, I tend not to react well.

Obviously, I don't know if this is happening within your relationship.

I guess, come to think of it, that I'm conveying my own experience.

Here is what might work for me if I were in his shoes:

When I go into shutdown, for the love of heaven and all things holy do not attempt to talk to me or otherwise interact with me until I come out of it. I repeat: Do. Not. This might take minutes, hours, or days.

Unsolicited touching is a physical act that could provoke an unpleasant physical response... at a minimum like further physically distancing myself by staying away from you or even moving out.

Sadly, this all is too often the opposite of what an NT partner is emotionally capable of doing.

Thank you for that brutally honest answer. This is the stuff I need to hear. That is a tough one though because during shutdown I feel emotionally abandoned and unsafe in the relationship. I would love to be able to turn that off, but I don't know how. I would really love to find a solution, but that will be hard to overcome, especially when there are children involved. Thank you for the insight, you have given me much to think about.

It really depends on the individual Aspie, in essence.

What I wrote is also honest--based on my own experience.

I hope you find a way to reconcile--it's nice to be loved.

I find the input from both of you valuable. I am trying to minimize shutdown, but I can see that for my husband leaving him alone once it happens is absolutely what he needs.

I want to add that when things are good, they are really good. He seems to be having a harder time with these little bumps in road as time goes on.

Please know that my heart does truly does go out to you. I know that I would feel the exact same way as you describe if I were in your shoes. I am certain that I too would feel abandoned and unsafe.

And if I were your husband, I would know that my shutdown causes you such distress, and on top of everything else I would be processing during my shutdown, I would feel guilty as heck about hurting you, and probably hating myself for having to put you through it.

I keep trying to think of a relatable, helpful, non-ASD analogy but I am coming up short. Though I have not read it, someone once told me that a point made in "Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus" is that in time of trouble women like to talk things through, while men like to retreat into a so-called "man cave". Maybe viewing things in those terms can be of some comfort.