The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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Is anyone else living in a multi-generational home with their spouse? And I don't mean with kids.

My husband and I live in a house together with my mother. It's a sort of strange arrangement, but having someone to talk with about the stress of that dynamic might be very helpful. Maybe even to both, or all, of us.

We moved in when my father was dying of cancer to help out. After he died, my mother (who was always very controlling) started treating us like her indentured servants.

So yes didn't work out very well for us.

I hope your situation works out better.

I'm 34 and I've been married for 16 years and have two kids 7 yr old NT son and a 9 yr old AS daughter. First off I have to say that I have been blessed with the best wife possible, she has always been very patient with my various behaviors but since my diagnoses she has become an expert in the field and is about to graduate as a school teacher for the sole purpose of working with "special" children because over the years she has developed various methods of helping both her and myself to better cope with and help overcome some of the "issues" we know are a part of our daily lives. When my daughter was diagnosed 3 years ago they told us it was very apparent that it was passed along by the father and I have since been officially diagnosed myself.
To get to the point a couple of my main struggles are extreme ADHD and extreme anxiety disorder. I can remember multiple times hiding in my office balling like a baby because my anxiety was so bad I was terrified to go outside and play catch with my son. Or missing my kids performances at schools because all I could do is rock back and forth in my chair due to my anxiety. I've started building things for kids or promise to help them with a project but fail to do so because my mind zipped off to another dimension and got focused on something else.
My wife asked me if I would consider medication about six months ago and because she had been so patient with me as I tried things my way I reluctantly decided I would at least try them to see if if it would help. My dosage has increased over the past 6 months to taking adderral 30mg twice a day and xanax 1mg 4 times a day. On the positive I am able to complete more task and I'm not afraid to go out play catch with my son or take them to the beach on a crowded day. But on the flip side I no longer feel like I'm the same person. My personality has changed in multiple ways and I feel like I'm loosing the true me on the inside.
My question is should I continue to take the meds for the benifit of my family or should I stop the meds because I hate the way they make me feel. Am I selfish to want feel like I'm me again or do I sacrifice my happiness to give my family a better life. I'm lost and could really use some advice from anyone willing to give it, PLEASE! As a side not I have not told my wife about how I am feeling about this because she's so proud of the "improvements" I've made.

TheComic: I would not only tell your wife but also tell your doctor. Your medications can be adjusted or changed till they find the ones that work for you while still letting you feel like yourself. When I first started medications (I am medicated for anxiety and depression) it was a terrible mess. I am a writer and I couldn't write a word because they effectively 'turned off' the part of me that was creative.

After working with my doctor and trying several other meds we hit on the combination that works for me (citalopram and buspirone). I am able to be the creative person I love to be - but with far less anxiety and no deep dark depressions.

I'm sure your family doesn't want you to give up on the person you are. I really recommend telling them how you are feeling and then make an appointment to discuss with your doctor and get other medication options.

I'm a gay newlywed. We've been together 5 years and Minnesota just let us get married!

LittleRed, it sounds like your relationship is broken on many levels. At this point, from what you describe, it all sounds very destructive. I hear your pain very clearly, and I feel for you, but the one thing that stands out very clearly is that no matter what happens in your relationship, this chaos has to be harming your daughter. Can you get her to a calm, safe place?

This is the first time I have shared my story online and I wondered if anyone could help me or point me in the right direction. Ive been married nearly 10 years to my undiagnosed Aspie husband. He has agreed to get a diagnoses however this was nearly two months ago and has done nothing about it. I love my husband and we have a 3 yr old son who is currently been assessed due to behavioural problems.

When we were first married intimacy began to fade after 5 months and I had to instigate love making in order to concieve our son. There have been time when my husband would live with his dad rather than stay in a flat with my son and I as well as withhold money from us. Over the year I have confronted him about his behaviour and we have recently been to marraige counselling which then lead me to research Aspergers.

Now that it seems highly likely that this has been the cause of my husbands behaviour I am scared of the reality of existing in a marriage with lack of intimacy and emotional support. My husband loves our son and is working harder to form a stronger relationship. We have slept in separate rooms for the majority of our marraige and to think this will never change leaves me in utter turmoil.


I dont know how to get my head around this.

Ive stayed in the relationship thinking that things would improve once we move to a bigger home or when we have more money..... Knowing that this isnt going to change causes me more anxiety and confusion.

I know I love him and he loves me but I cant see how we can be happy in the long term....

Any suggestions out there?

Would be great to make friends on the network Im so alone

Just wanted to say thank you for the response. I know I have a lot of thinking to do and I may consider some counselling just for myself to help me work this out. If I decide to go Im so worried about life with out my husband and the impact it will have on our son.... I will let you know how it goes.

Thank you once again and best wishes to you. I dont think I could stay if I never had a child you must love your man very deeply:)

Cantora, the older I get the more certain I am that any minute spent wishing or waiting for someone to change is wasted time. So the only two choices in any relationship are to accept the situation or to disengage from it. Whatever you decide, your child needs to see you making healthy, responsible choices based on reason and not impulse or fear.

It's really true about any relationship, though. Even friendship.