The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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It has been at least 10 years since I've been angry enough to hurl an object at the wall. A bronze statue can do a lot of damage. LOL.

Funny, but most of our fights have been over miscommunication. Some of them were small issues that would end up as huge fights going on and on, arguing over definitions of words. We weren't speaking the same language and didn't realize it then.

Our arguments brew up when the Missus starts with the "You always do this or that" statements. Or "you never ...", gets me royally angry.

Mine are to the effect of "You burned _____ with that _______________ cigarette <insert tearing up cigarettes and pack here and throwing them all over to aggravate his OCD self> and if I ever see another one I will shove it down your throat! Now I want that _______ out of this house right now or else!" Then I will go storming off and open the pantry and shove the cans over for good measure and leave.

Whatever it is, I have my blow up and it's over. We haven't had one of these in a long time. He has his own blow ups that are just as eruptive and over in minutes. The time I hired a lawn dude was the perfect example of that. We mostly laugh about them when they are over. They're pretty ridiculous in the scheme of things that could happen.

I've learned to head arguments off at the pass. I can tell when the Missus is building up to a shouting match, and I have to consciously back off, calm down, and evaluate what this is all about. It's the "what hill do you want to die on" method. You have to choose to have an argument, and you have to evaluate 'is this worth arguing about'? Usually it's not worth it. I DO wish she would understand my ASpieness better, as it frequently is the cause of her frustration with me.

The big thing that threw my husband was "space puppy." When I just start staring for as long as he'll allow it (hours if I'm not stopped), it unnerves him. At first I think he thought I had seizures and something was wrong. It really scared him. It took a long time for him to realize this was very enjoyable for me. He still hates it though because he finds it as creepy as I find looking into people's eyes (including my own in a mirror). He does understand that's completely illogical, but he will still say, "Hey space puppy, come back to earth," after about an hour of it. That's how long he can sit there while I stare at whatever (the wall, the floor, him) without seeing a thing or moving) without starting to freak out. I look in his eyes for as long as I can stand it and try not to stare at him too much. I really don't make eye contact per se, I stare. I stare at him because he's interesting to me and I like him. I know it can get a bit much though so I try to temper that as well.

The biggest thing that hurts him is my sheer inability to remember things like birthdays and even worse, our anniversary. I wish I could figure that out. I even make my co-workers remind me all the way out the door, then forget on the drive home. I am horrible with that. He once bought me flowers on our anniversary and set them on the dresser. I woke up, wondered who "we" bought flowers for (as if I would ever buy flowers for anyone) and went about my routine. A couple of hours later I asked who "we" bought flowers for and if someone was sick or had died. That didn't get me any gold stars!

It isn't just with him that I do that. I can forget it's Christmas just as easily even when I remind myself it's coming up. I'm just bad with those things. I'm pretty much like those Aspie husbands that the NT women write hateful things about. I do all of those things right down to just rolling over and going to sleep without a word after sex! LOL I don't know how long he went along with that before he finally told me that was a dude thing and highly abnormal for a woman. I was like, "Oh." Didn't even register on the Richter scale. Poor guy. He is really emotional about me so I'm always feeling badly about it, but I still seem to do it.

SeriousGirl, one of the issues lately is my 'frozen face'. The Missus has complained about how my face gets 'frozen' with a sort of smirk, but no real emotion. This happens when I'm on the verge of overload, or just stuck in the middle of emotional turmoil. We had a chap over to measure the windows for new blinds, and I asked about how the hangers would be installed, as we have an older house with plaster (very crumbly) walls. She gave me the dreaded 'look' and my face froze. I thought I was asking a good question, she thought it was 'stupid'. I was so embarrassed, my face got stuck.

Prof,

I have it on good authority from my OCD husband that there are very clear rules for how to hang things on plaster walls. He has rules for everything. I wonder what she would do with him! LOL

Zanne

One of my husband issues is that I

I don't even know I am doing it - it's like a reflex for me. Yet he finds it highly offensive.

Rolling eyes is like saying, "As if I didn't already know that" or "Why are you telling me that again?" or "Here we go again" or something to that effect. It's condescending in NT speak. That's why he's mad. When an NT does it, it's very bad!

I just read something on another site that said you have to train your aspie husband like you train an animal. Do we have a vomit smiley here?

Well I see people on here make that implication about NTs as well. It insults me for my husband and my family when I read that. It insults me for Aspies when I see that. It says more about the poster than the person they are talking about.