Class Pet

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I am 48, and like other aspies, seem perenially much younger. I do have friends who appreciate me, but I feel like the class pet, or the youngun among them. I found out five years ago about my ASD. After that revelation, I understood why sometimes my way of thinking would be too much for many other people... in other words, how my aspieness appeared to NTs. Perhaps I can never achieve the emotional maturity and understanding to be an equal partner to someone of such a neurology. And yet an extreme neurotypical is the kind of person I am most drawn to, possibly instinctively from noticing their success and latching onto them as a guide to emulate. But that just makes me a puppy to them. Am I slated just to make friends with fellow aspies and save everyone the hassle?

I would find a cute person of 48 quite attractive, actually.

It's a heck of lot better than being an old 48!

You have friends who like you the way you are now. Why mess with success? Keep forming friendships according to your own taste in friends. That is how friendships work. Your friends may really appreciate the breath of fresh air your approach to life represents. Why deprive any future potential friends of the same benefit?

Wow, thank you.

It's better to be a breath of fresh air than an old fart.

When I'm 90, I hope I'm not seen as an old fart!

I guess, having had time to process what is going on, I realize that it's how when I visit a friend I am delighted that they are glad to see me, and we have a great time. Then I find out that in the time since I last saw them, they've been getting together with their/our mutual and other friends many times while I was alone at home wondering how to see friends more often... So my few good friends may be like best friends to me, but I am no one's needed or best friend. Who besides my parents would notice if I vanished for a few months? None of these people, even though they love me and are always happy to see me. I see that there are wavelengths they communicate on with each other that are above my head, and understand (that they must fulfill each other's NT needs and I do not 'get' what is going on).

So. Well. Thanks for your ear.

A.

I understand that feeling - I have moments sometimes when I ponder what would happen if I fell down the stairs and hurt myself really badly. How long would I end up lying there, helpless? And I've noticed throughout my adult life, even though I got my diagnosis only very recently, that there are certain people who feel the need to "coddle" me - which embarrasses me, as I'm uncomfortable with being the focus of other people's fussing.

The only advice I can offer is to try and work on the problem from the other end. Instead of focusing on the difficulties you have understanding your friends, do what you can to ensure that they are not misunderstanding you. With introverted people in general, people easily slip into the assumption that our quietness indicates that we don't really like being around people, or don't enjoy the activities as much as they do. They don't realise that we need to have more personal space and time than they do, or that we can enjoy listening even though we don't say so much. Even with the best of intentions, people sometimes think they are being kind by "playing along" with a falsely perceived need for greater emotional distance.

If you do have to turn down events sometimes, because you just can't handle it at that moment, be careful how you turn down the invitation. People are very prone to generalise your response - that you won't want to do that activity ever, rather than just on this particular occasion. So make sure to let them know that the thought is appreciated, and that quiet nights in are sometimes a necessary part of keeping your emotional batteries charged up.