Newly diagnosed - feel so embarrassed about my past

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Hi,

I'm a 39 year old female, married, 2 kids - eldest is 8 and has been diagnosed with Asperger's. At the time my son was diagnosed, I was seeing a CBT therapist for anxiety and she had pointed out that I show autistic traits. In any case, I have not been officially diagnosed but I tick the boxes and my AQ is high. I have just realised all this around 3 months ago.

Since then, I have been going through the past events in my life and reliving them in my mind...and feeling terrible about them. The offensive things I said to people and not realising I'd said anything wrong only for them to get upset and say something mean to me, which seemed like it came out of nowhere. There are other examples from the past too that are typical Aspien behaviours but there are too many examples to share here.

Basically, I just can't believe that I just didn't understand or get it. I feel so deeply embarrassed by this - like everyone else knew somehow that there was something wrong with me except me. The worst memories are from adulthood, I'd say from about 22 years onwards.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with this. Anyone else had similar issues on diagnosis?

Just to explain it a little better, my mistakes are things that got me told off or in some way diminished - and I couldn't understand why. That feeling of being made to feel like that has stuck with me and I'm only realising now what was going on. So many regrets...

I think this is a common thing.

I remember being young and always thinking "What's wrong with me? Why don't people like me?".

Over the years, I gained self-confidence and moved on to thinking "It's their problem, not mine". I discovered so many things about other people that I didn't like and was genuinely glad not to be involved in, but also believed that if they had an issue with me then there was something wrong with them, not me.

After discovering that I had autism, I went back over everything. I realised that it wasn't them, I realised that it was me. I found that there was a reason that people didn't like me. That was a horrible realisation and very hard to deal with.

Over time, though, that fades. Now, I know that the reality is somewhere in the middle. It's true that people have reasons that they don't get on with me, but it's also not my fault. It's alright that I struggle socially.

Nowadays, I notice my 'failings' a lot more. I am aware when I do or say something 'autistic', and it's very hard to have that level of self-awareness. But, I also find that I forgive myself. Now, when I do something that I know is influenced by the autism, I remind myself "It's not my fault. It's the autism. And it's not my problem that they don't know that, but it isn't theirs either".

I did go over so many things in my life. I still do. Looking back over my life with the lens of autism makes me realise just how unaware I was. I can perceive a lot of failings that, at the time, I didn't notice or blamed on other people. I realise why people have always reacted to me the way they do, and that can knock your self-esteem for a while, but over time you will learn to re-frame again and come to terms with who you are and how nobody is to blame.

Hi, I can understand what you are feeling.
My heart goes to you and I want to tell you that hold on. You have been recently diagnosed, so it is a major turning point of your life, you are discovering new things about yourself yet also rediscovering the past (or shall I say seeing the past with a new light ) and therefore it is not going to be easy .
Feel the feelings, I will say. Accept them even if they feel bad.Do not fight with these feelings that are coming . By accepting your past as it is , (rather than trying or fighting to change it ) you will feel better.slowly these feelings will go away, if you do not fight with them or label them as "bad". Just observe these thoughts and feelings like you are watching a movie...
Another thought to ponder on: You reacted that way in your past maybe because someone triggered your sensitive mind, or because someone pushed you off your limits and so you were forced to react that way under that situation. At that time, you did not know better ways to handle a crisis. Now that you know better, you will deal better with difficult situations, I think.
So, do not feel bad. It is a transition period for you. Transition periods are the hardest but after some time, things will get better now that you have better/more knowledge about yourself.
There is a saying, "you cannot clap with one hand." Remember, in the past no matter how much you held yourself responsible for your mistakes/anger, there might be some other people too who did not understand you and made you feel that way and you might have reacted so much under pressure.
Now, work towards building a good life for yourself in which you feel peace of mind. Accept the past, it will help you to move on. If you dont let go of the past, you will remain there. All the best,

When I was diagnosed I realized that my Autism influened bad decisions derailed my career and that while I knew I was different I did not understand how different. I was the opposite of you in that I had such a negative view of social interaction that I did not stand up for myself when I should have.

What helped me was the realization that the knowledge about autism was not there as a young adult it was not really my fault or the others who did the wrong thing based on false understanding. Even though you are 20 years younger then me that is true for your generation also, and especially true for females. The experts are just starting to realize they do understand how Aspergers presents in female Adults.

That's true.

It takes time to come to terms with missed opportunities.

I gained a degree qualification at university, but struggled with many aspects of my course and didn't reach my potential as a result. I also spent some time in employment where I enjoyed the work, but didn't fit well with the working environment.

Looking back, I know that I would have tried for a different degree and a different job type had I known at the time I was autistic.

I grew up believing "I'll get better with time and practice", but it took the realisation of autism to show me that, frankly, I wouldn't. I'd already reached my limit, and there was a reason I wasn't getting any better than that.

I did my degree thinking it would be a challenge that would improve the skills I lacked. It didn't. It just caused a lot of stress, and made me dislike something that had been a hobby of mine beforehand. An earlier understanding of my autism would have made me consider the type of degree that would suit me (and later the type of work that would suit me), rather than simply picking something fun and believing that I would adapt.

Again, that's a difficult thing to deal with but, OP, you will find your inner peace and the realisation that your future will be better as a result. Now that I know and fully understand my limitations, I don't fight to get past them constantly and I am less stressed as a result.

Thank you all for those posts. I cannot tell you how much better they have made me feel – they stopped the tears and have given my mind some peace. I am also amazed that you seem to understand so well what I’m going through. That in itself is a blessing.

Rediscovering the past and learning from my mistakes is very important to me, especially because I want to save my son heartache and teach him what I wish someone had taught me. I am completely emotionally drained.

I have read your posts over and over again. Thank you for your understanding and advice.