Why is my first instinct to break a promise to live?

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Last night, I made a promise to my dad to not die a stupid death, to not fall into a pit of overbearing sadness based on mediocre things, and to never step within a mile of the same mistakes he made. That is what he asked me to promise. He told me that not seeing me for a year was hell enough, and when his suspicion that I would always hate him, because I am so black and white, became belief, he almost stopped finding a reason to get out of bed. He asked his ex-girlfriend to shoot him. He drank a bottle or two a day, it seemed to him. When I realized I should forgive him three months ago, we started reconnecting. The conversation began when I said that he is a good person. He told me that he never wanted me to look up to him. It was a very emotional conversation, and at the end, he had me promise that. Now, as he is going to a friends house, he is gone again, and I have had one stressful thing happen, the anticipation of my grandmother making me help fix her super expensive TV again, and my first thought is to commit suicide to escape it. I have caught myself, but if I made a promise to not go down that path, why am I automatically thinking it?

It would seem that you are struggling with your own depression and lack effective coping mechanisms to deal with any emotions you have. I think you would benefit from working with a therapist and learning DBT, especially the distress tolerance skills associated with that program. The thought of having to fix a TV leading to thoughts of suicide seems that thinking about suicide is your current method of coping. You need to learn healthier coping tools.

Don't feel like a wuss if you need help man, everybody needs it at some point and I dont think anybody can tell you what to do per sey but If I was in your situation I'd definitely seek some kind of treatment. Talking is good, but constantly talking about suicide or thinking about it isn't normal. Sure people may feel like killling themselves but the thought usually doesnt linger, if you find yourself constintly thinking about it you may just do it. and your family will miss you, not worth it no matter what the circumstance is

Admitting that you need help is a strength, not a weakness; no person can do everything by him/herself.
It indeed seems that you need some professional help; starting with a psychologist who can help you to determine what would be the most effective.

For the short time; i recommend finding a good reason to keep your promise (keeping the promise is one possible reason, but having a second one is a good idea)

I talked to a psychologist, extensively, and he wants to start me on biofeedback, so I can recognize when I am stressed and cope with it, which might make things a bit easier, and reccomended a way to distract myself by being creative, so I have started writing fanfiction. I have started writing one for one of my favorite shows, elfen lied, as a way to express myself in a constructive fashion. It helps. Its on deviantart if you care to read, its called Diabolus Lilium, its mature content though, so youll need an account. Thanks for helping me.

good to hear that: keep it up