Finding my niche for where I belong

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After another crappy semester, I came to terms realizing that engineering wasn't for me, given the long and arduous labs done in chemistry and being treated as a third wheel constantly by everybody. I figured that I would double major in Mathematics and Computer Science with a potential minor in finance or statistics. Business makes me miserable, as per my Macroeconomic's class's discreation with my professor being nitpicky and so and so, along with my chemistry professor not giving a sh*t about me, despite me advertising myself as a potential tutor despite the lack of outside resources.

Although my computer is being repaired (hopefully to be available for pick up soon), I'll still try my best to find research and stuff.

I figured now with the break in effect that I treat myself to a movie, as per my grandfather's discretion to use my time in full use by going to see the new Spider-Man movie at White Plains tonight. I took a train and I felt...vulnerable when I was walking my way back, practically because it took me an hour from the theater to walk to the train station but also because I spent my time looking around to see what has changed. Whenever I see people who are older than (probably around their mid-20s, though the same could possibly be said for my age range) me wrapping themselves around their significant other's arm, I can't help but feel a notion of jealously, ill-repute, disgust, cringe, contempt, anger, etc. but mostly disgust because even though I may wound up taking the initiative in everything in a relationship, I felt that my experiences in my childhood have ever so often kicked me to the curb that, along with working and gaining experience, as well as my stature or height (6'3 to be exact; maybe even taller when I get older), I'm seen as more of a "mature" or complacent big-brother figure, rather than some up-and-coming runner up guy trying to prove themselves to the world.

I guess that I know that, for starters, I have nothing to prove, and being a suave swagger with loads of disposable income is not who I define myself as. In addition, I don't feel so hip or young. I know that I'm 20, but I'm often told by my roommate if I'm 80 years old or not considering my outlook on life and given my last thread, which had a lot of built-up anger, I couldn't help but feel that way all the time because I had so many people screw me over during this year that I couldn't help but realized where I wanted to fit in. This year I felt that even those who I wasn't involved with could hurt me the most and it was a complete testament to that statement. From being insulted online, forced to pay for a razor, getting kicked out of a discord server for being french, being treated as a third wheel by my lab partners because I don't listen to screamo, getting fired for calling someone a b*tch when I realized that I was putting in more work walking to and fro with the mail than they were sitting down, in addition to being fed up with having to work there while working with tasks unrelated to my job, dealing with sh*tty classes and peers, getting screwed over for my work by the one person who called me his friend, hearing my sister getting pneumonia (which seemingly killed Stan Lee) and getting head bumps, realizing my family would potentially get a divorce only to realize later that they're just "stemming the waters" or whatever, dealing with sh*tty people in general, etc. It was just an overall sh*tty year, but I don't want to make it that way since that's not what it's about. Now, it's about what do I have that others don't and I'm still trying to cultivate myself in teaching myself foreign languages and math and computers and reading more on literature which I haven't had the time to do and ultimately trying to do my best in being happy, after learning if happiness could potentially be achieved without sacrifice after learning that from a new TV show that I found this year.

But most importantly, because of how I tried so desperately hard not to rely on my family to ultimately grow into my own person, despite the drama laid bare between my parents, mainly more so with my mom, I couldn't help but feel more like I was letting them down when I came back than just trying to get myself by.

In addition, because of cultivating myself in this age range, I'm going to find myself in cases where I'm both ahead in terms of mental and intellectual maturity (not in a superior sense), but behind in terms of social maturity because of the lack of friends and romantic interests I had in life. But now I realize that I'm not a party person and I don't like going out at night. But for some reason, I can't help but feel like I want or need a woman who acts like a mother to me. While that may have to wait while I'm around in my late 20s when things have toned down by a lot, I can't help but feel that the lack of love I had in myself towards my family isn't just so much because of hatred towards them, but a lack of connection and understanding. Jesus, none of this feels right. I don't want to make it sound like I'm opening my heart to a website, but damn. I get that we all seek affection and validation, but with me, it's like every problem I have is multiplied tenfold by the lack of a support group and maybe even a mother figure. Forget what I said about scorps or goth stuff, this is where it's at. Now it's like I don't even feel like a person anymore but an idea drifting through space.

Are you studying in the US or dans la belle France? I get the impression that if you just assert yourself, eventually you'll fit in somewhere. You sound intelligent and intense (in a good way). Perhaps you haven't yet learned that most people are passive and intellectually submissive, and just waiting for someone like that to come along and tell them what to do and think. Once you start to show these qualities in a more assertive way, I think you'll do just fine.

No, I'm still staying local in New York, hence White Plains and Herkimer as I mentioned before. I get that I need to assert myself and sometimes I generally do. I had a feeling that most people have had a tendency to feel needed or dominated (though not in an obligatory sense) throughout this year and I couldn't help but feel like a big brother towards others because of this, in addition to how tall I am (6'3) and how tall I'll be in the future.

Generally, I've had a really crappy situation with people throughout this year and considering how the first half of my CC was just slogging through most, if not, all the crappy pre reqs (especially considering how my CC (which is also 1 of 10 CC's (mainly upstate) with dorms) had a mandatory phys-ed requirement) just so I can get through the good stuff, that made me feel more alone and useless to my college than I could've imagined. But now that I'm considering my options being weighed in, especially considering how isolating myself from my family seems to be the way to go, I need to focus more on what I want to do that makes me happy and feel good about myself. I guess I felt so angry because there was no way to differentiate the trees from the forest based on what my mother tells me, considering how she considers herself "the only person who ever talks to me", but even then based on how my father and sister feel, 90% of the time now feels more like petty melodrama and constant nagging. And it gets annoying sometimes because now I don't have my own room to sleep in and get away from all the trouble. They're at the Met now after I'm trying to rest up from last night and probably make some chicken stir fry over rice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I do bring myself out there and people, mainly older adults, take that into consideration, it's what I view of myself now and where I lay myself in as people would consider my age demographic to be "their prime." But even when one can argue about encapsulating their youth as much as possible, one must also consider that their actions may generate more harm or good depending on the people they meet. And to prioritize on that, I feel that I mustn't get myself into any trouble through any means necesssary. I mean, even when I'm an adult, I still feel that there should've been a curfew placed by my parents because isn't that what parents do? I know it sounds funny, but usually I don't go out late at night because I don't like partying or staying out late at night. It could be fatigue that I'm experiencing or depression (which is too obvious as it is as per this thread and previous others). Plus, when walking back and reminiscing on what happened with the places I grew up with, I couldn't help but feel as though everything's been run down and to say it's the county's fault is an understatement. This is probably to be expected when I get older and move into an apartment, but I'll probably spend more time at home paying away all my student loan debts, so long as I manage to take it easy and grab some scholarships and out of pocket money along the way, in addition to raising my GPA up as high as possible, so long as the remedial math grades get dropped once I transfer to Stony Brook, as much as I'd like to brag about it.

Speaking of debts, considering the situation with my sister's scholarships, it seems that she blew all her money because she got evicted because my dad didn't cosign the loan over the summer, despite me having to do all the work myself by even getting the tax return statements by myself while my parents were bickering about their divorce. They're not deadbeats. They even work a bit during the break and come back on the 2nd only to work more.

My mother, considering how she makes phone calls around 9am-10am in the morning after having slept for 6-7 hours or so from staying up so late so I could have time to myself, talked to Best Buy about my laptop being repaired. It's an advanced model as they called it and I'll post the link down for specs. But the problem was that it's been a full month as she's concerned on whether or not it'll be fixed in time and they said that they needed the parts or whatever complications there were. In addition, the account was using an older email address from which my mother previously worked, which spiraled out of control due to various complications which would either take years of therapy to get over (as inflated as that sounds) or require a girlfriend that has their maternal instincts entering full force in light of becoming a surrogate mother figure on my behalf, though those two would probably take about 7-10 years in due time when I've passed the entry exam of my early 20s to prove to employers that I am not part of the same "***hole demographic" as the rest of my peers are in their early 20s (which I know sounds a mouthful with what I've explained given my non sequiturs and the nigh-infinite sarcastic level that I hold them at, but here's the link that I've suggested:)

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01HT ... UTF8&psc=1

A lot better than the ASUS I bought in 2016, which was $750, but only because I wanted something "good" to play with. That was before I was financially aware and completely reckless compared to now. Now between the amount of crappy games and where my "actual" interests lie in outside the television-related demographic, I feel that now with what I've been through and now realizing where "most" or "some" of my potential lies, I'm probably going to wound up downloading a lot of books in the process because knowledge is power (and I'll be sure to ask @Misery to see where it's possible to get my metroidvania fix with Castlevania and Metroid now that I found out that I don't like rushing in video games apart from a couple of exceptions). I may have said some bad things, but at least now I'm closer to where I want to be and hopefully I'll have the time to do so.

https://i.warosu.org/data/lit/img/0084/ ... 658842.jpg