Page 1 of 1 [ 5 posts ] 

Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 23 Jan 2020
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 45

19 Jun 2020, 8:55 pm

Hi guys. Married 21 years. Wife knew all along I was "quirky" and for the most part went along with it. But now it's taking its toll on her and our kids (20 and 18). Just got diagnosed a few months ago and a lot of stuff in our marriage and in my pre-marriage life is starting to make sense.

Wife has admitted if not for her religious beliefs she would have left a long time ago. One of my kids wants as little to do with me as possible. Frankly, I should have left quite a while ago but I didn't want to be the "bad dad" who walked out on his kids. Now that they're legal age, I don't have that as an excuse anymore.

I've learned through my diagnosis that loyalty an inability to accept defeat are strong traits, which explains why I've stayed in the marriage when others might have walked.

Still working this out with my therapist but I'm learning that it's perfectly understandable that I'm feeling the need to get out of the situation.

Just needed to vent.


User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,932

19 Jun 2020, 9:41 pm

If you go there will be trouble and if you stay it will be double? Sorry, the title of your thread put The Clash song instantly in my head.

What "quirkiness" is making life unbearable for your wife and one of your children? You didn't say you're having issues in the marriage that are giving you pause as to whether to stay in or go.

"There is no love of living without despair of life." - Albert Camus

"Ain't nothing but a stranger in this world
I'm nothing but a stranger in this world" -Van Morrison

"Are you Bluish? You don't look Bluish."

AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2005
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 154
Location: Portland, Oregon

21 Jun 2020, 3:18 pm

Minuteman wrote:
I've learned through my diagnosis that loyalty an inability to accept defeat are strong traits, which explains why I've stayed in the marriage when others might have walked.

I was in the same situation and had the same thoughts about loyalty, not wanting to let my children down, inability to accept defeat. She divorced me... best thing that ever happened to me but it was gut wrenching at the time.

It is tough, but you will be better for it if you go imnsho.

I may use terms that are part of my theory of "Functional Cognitive Typology". Diagnosis is always a mixed bag but generally they map to the cognitive type when in dysfunction:
C = Cultural (NT), EC = Extra-Cultural (ASD)
U = understanding ~ ADD/ADHD
A = acceptance ~ baseline, normal
T = trust ~ possible schizotypal disorder
R = respect ~ NPD
C = cerebral (adrenaline averse), S = somatic (adrenaline seeking)

I am ECUC/S (cusp cerebral/somatic)

Mountain Goat

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,395
Location: Near the trees and fields on a hill near the sea not far from beaches, harbours and castles on the Welsh coastline in the British Isles in the U.K. You know, that place next to Europe?.

21 Jun 2020, 3:31 pm

I don't know what to say, but I will say to stay if you can. Start to understand yourself more and you can start to use your positive qualities and traits and bring love back into your family.
It is always a tough situation... But I want to say something here. If you are on the spectrum, were you aware that you connected with your wife on more then just a sexual level or your marriage would't have worked. While this might not yet be wize to share, but your wife is very likely to be either on the spectrum herself, or have enough traits to have made that connection with you as one thing I have learned about autism is that NT's and ND's have a huge difficulty in trying to connect... And it is very unlikely you two would have come so far as you have done if she didn't share at least some of the traits you have, as you two would have no common ground to get as far as marriage in the first place.

I maybe wrong in saying this but it maybe something to think about, as even extroverts can be on the spectrum.... It is just a thought that I have had through what I have heard and read, and by examining my parents.

Love conquors all.

Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200. Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. ... s/shutdown

Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 15 Jun 2020
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 67
Location: NYC

23 Jun 2020, 9:25 pm

I am not, nor have I ever been married. So I couldn't possibly know the real gravity of the situation. I have had several leghty relationships and am currently in a 7 year old one. I have thought I loved every time. Something was different though about my current SO and our relationship. There has never been any "compromise" in this one. I have never felt as though my "quirks" were ill received. We never fight, but we agree to disagree on certain matters. We respect each other on a level I didn't even realize was possible previously.

Now the reason I mention this is because it sounds like both of you compromised. I know all relationships are different and everyone needs are different, but if both you are are compromising and not fulfilling each others needs is it worth it? Sure, relationships sometimes require sacrifice, but if the sacrifice is greater than the gain you have to ask yourself if you're both losing.

Any saracfice I have had to make in my current relationship never has outweighed the gain. I have never once regretted any choice, I had made. Which is more than I can say for any previous relationship. To be completely honest, I can't even think of something that even felt like I had to sacrifice anything in my current relationship.

It may be worth considering that both of you are preventing each other from being happy. You may both come out of it realizing you are both better versions of yourselves when you're not together. Hopefully both of you find happiness in the end and your children fully understand the situation for what it really is. Good luck.