The body language that YOU present others with

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There's considerable talk about how we aspies find interpreting body language a bit of a challenge, but what about the body language that YOU send out to those around you? Do other NT's find you easy to read or not? As for myself, I believe this is the reason why many NT's find it hard to talk to me. It's because I ususally show very little emotion, if any in my body language, and if I do show reaction, it's usually not the proper reaction to the situation at hand, which ends up conveying the wrong message.

For example, I was standing in the office the other day when another technician approached me and started telling me about a new audio device he was testing out. I was keenly interested in his dialogue about this piece, so to concentrate on what he was saying, i was sort of staring off and zoning out while I concentrated my mental powers on interpreting and remembering what he was saying. I was also standing beside the HVAC system and was a bit chilly, so I had my hands folded across my chest to break the draft. About halfway through his description, he broke off and said "Well, I guess you're not really that interested" And when he said that, I had to interject and say I was deeply interested in what he was saying and had to prod him to keep going. It was only a few hours later after our conversation did I realize why he thought I wasn't interested. Problem was that it didn't occur to me that while I was deeply listening, that I had to APPEAR like I was listening...apparently, there is body language out there to demonstrate interest.

Another place that usually gives me a challenge is around security guards at buildings and offices. When I am on a job site, I typically hyper-focus on what I am doing, and am rather quiet. A security guard may approach to make sure everything is going OK and everything's cool. Apparently, there is some sort of body language that security guards are looking for that indicates if the person they are observing is doing something wrong or not, and the problem is that I am giving off the "wrong" body language that makes me look like I am doing something wrong...For this reason, a guard may start asking questions to me about what I am doing to try and why I am there. Since I give short objective answers, this sort of aggrivates the sitation, espeically if I get nervous, which I do when anybody asks me a series of questions...this happens because I must think quickly to come up with answers that the person is looking for. This turns into an vicious cycle that ends up getting the security guard into their protective "hostile and agressive" mode. Most of the time, it gets defused without incident however once the guard gets the information they want and realizes I'm just a harmless contractor there trying to get my work done too.

I am working on this body language thing, but it's an entirely new form of communication that apparently must be instinctive and natural to NT's, but requires me to think about significantly, and further slows down the act of conversing, and negating any benefit it may have if I do get it right.

I have also come to realize at my age of 32 that people who are in high places of wealth and power have not achieved these positions through superior knowledge, but have made it to these positions because they know how to play on humankind's subliminal communication methods (like body language), and make them think that they are superior than another person. Becaue of the fact I lack these skills, no amount of analytical skills will place me in these positions. I have also learned another thing...Positions of management are not all they are cracked up to be in the first place. Yes, it would be nice to earn lots of money, but I wouldn't be able to do the actual skills I Love to do. Instead, I would be playing the highly stressful game of trying to articulate words and manipulate other humans with them...something I find highly stressful.

...so I did the next best thing! I work for myself, and I hired someone to handle all the human relations stuff for me, while I go out and do all the stuff I know well, like wiring buildings, calibrating sound systems, acoustical engineering, etc. I'm not wealthy, but it's fun, and the few employees I work with put up with my aspieness because I picked them myself!

I don't think you were displaying any body language in that situation in the office. "Language" implies conveying meaning from one mind to another. The body postures you took served your own well-functioning; there was no communicational intent behind them. It happens a lot to me that things I do are interpreted by others as forms of communication when that's not at all what they are. Conversely, I rarely interpret other people's "body language" as genuine communication either; whenever it is my impression that someone deliberately adopted a certain facial expression or body posture in order to communicate something, my brain just immediately discards it as fake and theatrical before I can consciously decide otherwise.

Whenever I talk to anyone (i don't know very well) for any length of time, I often will turn my head and peer at them from the corner of my eye....either that or I will close my eyes and gesture alot with my hands....and I am not trying to communicate anything with my body language..it is what I do in order to cope with talking to them.

Of course they don't know this...and I have no idea how they must interpret this
Also I don't pay much attention to what anyones body language means...unless it is very extreme and obvious.

I'm not sure about my body language, but I think it may be "disinterested" most of the time. Which is probably at odds with this huge stupid grin I can never get off my face, even if I try. My biggest problem is that I really dislike talking to anyone I don't know well, and I get nervous. I tend to sound like an idiot. People tend to think I'm stupid and childish when they first meet me. Even people who've known me for a while and I'm comfortable talking to always seem very surprised when they find out I have a degree in chemistry, which is not an easy subject for most people. I'm not sure if they're just surprised b/c it's a rarish degree to have, or if it's because I don't work and stay home w/ my kids, or if it's because they've held on to their original impression that I'm stupid and maybe a little not all there mentally.

I know I throw off a lot of people. I don't what it is, exactly. I figure I must glow in the dark. *I* am the one that people will approach to ask directions. This is not good when it comes to the predatory types, as they are just as likely to approach.

I like to be comfortable. Apparently it's weird to sit on someone's floor when there are chairs available. Or to sprawl on a bench or seating area, while talking to someone. It's not that I'm not paying attention, but I can focus more clearly if I am comfortable.

Much like the staring off into the distance or the crossing of arms because it's chilly, not all body language has to do with the other person. It can be a purely self-comfort thing.

Why are my arms crossed? Not because I'm ignoring you, but it's cold. Or maybe I have PMS boobies and they hurt and they need to be supported. Or maybe I have a bit of a stomach ache. Maybe I banged my finger again, and leaving it dangling out there seems to magnetically attract it to other things it will bang against and hurt even more. All those things could have to do with crossing arms.

Relaxed, like sprawling, could be seen as other things too. Even taking it personally that I would not sit on their chairs. The person's home I did this at last has cats. I want to be on cat level. So I sit down with them where they are less intimidated and they can come up behind too, to sniff around without getting scared (hopefully not peeing on my back).

And with my back pain, at home, I frequently get out of the chair and lie on my back on the floor. I had to do that at my brother's too. The conversation didn't stop, it was just a necessary thing to do for my back.

Other times I get nervous and want to bolt from the situation. Like one guy I dated ages ago likened me to a gunslinger who was waiting for the person to come in the door to start a gun fight. It was a busy place, there was a lot going on, and it was too distracting to converse.

All kinds of people and snippets of conversation and it was too weird. That instinctive fight or flight was in use and I was ready not to fight, but to flee.

I don't know what it is about babies and children, but they stare. At me. I'm not sure why. It's not like I have sparkle horns coming out of my forehead. I can often get babies and kids to stop crying in stores. There has to be something in the expression, I guess. That calms them (maybe it terrifies them and they are too afraid to cry).

It would be neat to have classes on body language, though. Video tape ourselves and have NT and other Aspie people STUDY it. First write out what they think the person is "saying" with their language.

Then add in circumstances or sound to the video. So at first all we would be seeing is the body, no sound. Then sound. Then circumstances, and those circumstances could include things like standing next to the air conditioning. Or the heater.

No, a person isn't nervous or guilty if they are standing right next to an inferno in the fireplace and sweating profusely. They are simply HOT.

Nothing....

Unless you're a toddler, then I'll smile and wave to you like your peer; you usually run away though.

Alot of times people think i am upset or tired.

I have absolutely no idea what people think of me.

It definitely must be something about my body language that puts people off. I've been working on eye contact, but apart from that i simply don't know what I'm doing wrong, much less what to do about it.

I think this would be an interesting area of research.It does seem to be a common thread amongst us that people "read" us wrong all the time.Ask if we are angry,tired,upset,anxious.....when we dont feel we are feeling these things internally at all.It does make sense to me that if we are not able to "read" the language and it is not insinctual to us that the same part of the brain that processes the language would also effect how we communicate(or not)to others.I havent seen any research about this end of our brain function...if anyone has,I would love a link.Ithink it is just as important that we dont seem to communicate nonverbaly as it is that we dont read it in others.

I read others pretty well and can read myself when I'm out to do it. However when I'm caught up in a discussion, I mean really caught up in the emotions of the talk or the situation, I have to ask my wife what I was doing. Thats' when the aspie triats come out the most, or if I'm just more or less doing my thing around the house. She see's them I don't. We had company today and I was reading the grandkid and his soon to be wife, she was fairly uncomfortable, not like her, he was very relaxed, as usual. Conversation turned to a co-worker of hers and she said he does an odd thing with his hands on his nose, when trying to talk to co-workers and after she said they just found out he had 4 masters and could speak and write as many languages, I started telling her what he does. She was pretty amazed, but we all know how I did it too.

Methinks

I just have to tell you what I think of you, or at least, your avatar. I have looked at your avatar many, many times, running through my own mind's images of what I have seen and coming up blank, wondering about it and trying to puzzle it out.
By getting to know you, and that is your special interest (.i.e. the aerial arrays and how they are camoflaged) I have finally reasoned it out and it came to me like a flash!

Now I can read your posts, I couldn 't understand your avatar and couldn't make myself read your posts, (now. . I ask you. . how Aspie is THAT?! )


Merle

aha ,I'd say that is quite Aspie,and it makes sense to me.The "puzzling out" process can be stimulating,or frustrating.Avatars are strange things anyway,aren't they?These tiny little representatives.Now that you have an idea of what this avatar means to you,I will direct you towards this link,but only if you wish to see what it really looks like: http://www.edelmangallery.com/parke.htm

oh! ok. . . you know, you could camouflage an arieal like that. . even though it is not what I though it was, now I know what it is. . . art!

the enlargement helped - a lot!

Merle

I rely on body language almost as much as I do spoken language when I am communicating face to face. Watching it is as natural as breathing, though the image I give out shows that I am awkward and self conscious when I am among strangers, and I can't be bothered acting any other way.

I think this week may have been autism week because there has been quite a bit obout it on tv and radio. One tv doco showed a drama group where auti/aspies used drama to act out various scenes. The teenagers thoroughly enjoyed themselves, and put all sorts of expression into their voices. That seems a good way to go.

Now when I am with someone I think could be aspie I try to make my body language neutral and my voice on a lower range.. I do that so as not to add confusion, and maybe give relief.

PS I hope you don't mind me always putting the discussions in an NT framework. I do it so that you can see the other side as well.