Obligation to take care of parents when they are old

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My mother has put a guilt trip on me that I need to take care of her in her old age. What are the unwritten rules regarding taking care of parents in their old age? Do you feel obligated or is having her live in a nursing home unfair? What is the yearly cost of a nursing home?

I think about the care that she took of me (my mother, not JWRed's) when I was growing up. Sucked the life out of me when I was a child, did what she could when I was an adult, and when I reach more or less full maturity, she is primed to suck the life out of me again.

She's going to have to carry in her own damned groceries as far as I'm concerned.

Sorry, I didn't mean to crash the thread.

Last edited by Remnant on 24 Apr 2008, 7:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Find out if she can sue you for support if she becomes incapacitated. You may have to document her abuse of you as a child. If you don't have a formal diagnosis of AS, get one. It can't hurt.

As for nursing home costs, call around to a few. Then call your local insurance agents for the cost of nursing home insurance. AARP may have something like that, but it may require her to take out the policy even if you pay for it.

I'm hopefully wrong, but supposedly the average rest home costs $39,000 a year. If you think it's a racket now...

It's generally accepted that you will have some contact, even as 'next of kin'.

When you have a dysfunctional family, often the child takes care of the parent while he or she is still a child, in some way or the other. This is when the parent should be taking care of the child.

How old is your mother? Is she able to do for herself or does she need a nurse? Is she wanting monetary support or for you to be a caregiver?

Nursing home option should be reserved for someone that can't do for themselves that you just can't handle or don't have time to give needed care for, imo.

As for obligation, I think you are only obligated to give what you can spare and what you are willing to give.

My mom would have to be in serious need for me to feel obligated to care for her. If she tried to manipulate me and pull a guilt trip I'd want to dig my heels in and give only the bare minimum if anything at all.

EDIT: At this point, you'll want to make sure you put aside enough money for her funeral. If she hasn't arranged for it, you will likely be responsible for handling it.

you are not not NOT obligated to take care of your mother. that doesn't mean you don't or won't feel obligated but that comes down to who you are as a person and what relationship you have with your mother. however this guilt trip you are getting is an entitlement mentality that a lot of Boomers carry around.

here's the thing - if you end up having to take care of her then you get to run her life just like any parent taking care of a child. her social security check? goes to take care of her. her pension? goes to take care of her. her house? gets sold so you can take care of her. when it comes time to see the doctor or take her medication? she does it. if she wants to go to Bingo night but you can't take her? if she can't carpool then i guess she stays home. if she doesn't like those terms, well then, maybe she should make other arrangements starting now.

i know that sounds harsh and i intended it to be. but if she's "guilting" you into taking care of her then it may be the only way to get her to realize that there will be a price to pay for her (in)actions today - a price she may reevaluate now if it's brought to her attention.

now, do i feel obligated? no. will i someday? to some extent, yes. i won't let my mother freeze or go hungry or anything but i won't be putting her up in a luxury assisted living facility either. i know this is an issue i'm going to have to deal with one day. my mother has ZERO saving, ZERO assets, rents her house and leases her car, and just retired at 63 against my protests.

Oh my god - when did my mother start another family?

Yep, my mom incessantly harps on me about responsibility to family. I'm a terrible family member, but I'm going to say it. My maternal grandmother was a real crab and I hated seeing her more than was absolutely necessary. I'd go visit her with my mom, and my grandma would spend the whole time complaining about Bobby and Suzie and all these other people I've never met. And what she ate for lunch and blah blah blah. So when my mom asked if I'd like to go visit her again, I'd say no. And my mom would get all mad: "She's your grandmother" as if that's some sort of logical argument for visiting someone. Then her comment is "Well I hope your grandchildren never visit you when you're old", which apparenty she thinks is an insult. Seriously, if I have nothing to talk about with my grandkids than something they have no interest in, I'd rather not see them anyway.

Point is, I know my mom is going to expect I go see her all the time when she's old. Even now, when I'm trying to gain independence from her, she starts crying if I don't come visit her every 2nd or 3rd weekend. And my mom was lucky in a way: her own mother had a lot of money for retirement, because she got a lot from her husband's life insurance and from selling her house. So she could afford a large apartment, and then when she was unable to care for herself, she could afford a single room in a (publicly-funded) nursing home. My own mother will likely not have much saved for her old age. She didn't save anything for my education, so how can I expect her to save anything for a nursng home?

My maternal grandmother and her sister both lived to their late 80s. So I suspect my mother will too. Grr. Meanwhile I suspect I'm not going to live past 60. I eat too much junk food and make too little money and am too depressed to live into old age. I'm okay with that. But it means I'm never going to be free from her.

The only plus side, and this is totally terrible but I still believe it. My mom has a horrible memory and we joke that it may be the early signs of Alzheimers. Alzheimers is a horrible degenerative disease, but on the plus side, it does give you more freedom and justification to move a parent to a home because (a) they need more care than you can provide and (b) after a point they're not going to know where they are anyway. But in order to get to that point, they may be very crabby and grumpy as they lose their abilities.

So when can you put a parent in a home? Depends on the parent. Some will accept that they are unable to care for themselves. Some demand that you care for them when they no longer can. Maybe it's better to have the discussion with the parents while they're still younger. I think when the issue is theoretical, I'm more likely to agree that I don't want to be a burden on my kids. When the issue is very real, I'd be more likely to dig my heels and refuse to admit that I'm old enough or ill enough to live in a nursing home.

If your parents are Baby boomers this issue is going to be particularly difficult, because their entire generation refuses to admit they are old. On the other hand, maybe there will be more of a market for "I'm still young" nursing homes that can fool our parents into believing their buying some other service - spa treatments or sex treatments or rock and roll camp - but with built-in nursing services. Of course, that will cost money. Sigh.

Its really a personal choice, some people are not very close with their parents, they really shouldn't have to feel obligated to take care of them, in my case I really wanted to care care of mine, but my dad really like to isolate himself, after my mom passed away, he never called or wasn't in when I called, he passed away last year and wasn't found for 2 weeks, which lead to a major breakdown for me, he left me as executor of his estate, with all the headaches and sibling bickering that entails

I took care of my parents in thier late 50s. My late 30s. They died within two years of each other. I didnt have any money to contribute but had to move in and eventually drop out of graduate school.

I know my friends will have to face this issue soon, and am in a way grateful I already did what I could.

You are only obligated to what you feel comfortable with and are willing to do. IMO

Well, EXCUSE ME. Why are you posting in the forum mainly intended for these inconsiderate boomers who refuse to attach themselves to a rocking chair? Gee, getting disrespect because you're old... so who would want to deal with attitudes such as yours? We need to be fooled, eh? Let me check my cane...yeah, should still be good for a few whacks. STAND STILL, DAMMIT. My teeth keep falling out every time I swat ya.

It depends on how close you are to them I think and what you are able to cope with, mentally & physically.


I had/have a really good relationship with my parents. My dad passed away in 95 after being in and out of the hospital for approx 2 years...I remember going out in a snowstorm (and I panic driving in snow) to get him mandarin oranges because he was craving them...I'd do it again a hundred times over, I would have done anything to see him feel better.

I will take care of my mom when she needs it as long as I am able...in my case, my parents were the only two people who were ever "there" for me...I've never felt any obligation, and they never laid any guilt trips on me. I see so many parents who play "head games" with their kids and constantly make life more stressful than it should be...they continue to do it even when their kids are grown...mine were never about that, I got lucky.

I think you should talk with her about buying long-term care insurance, as the cost of nursing home care can quickly wipe out a lifetime of savings.
Whether or not you have much affection for your mother, it may be in your best financial interest to run her errands and do what you can to keep her in her own home as long as possible. I believe nursing homes run 20-40 thousand dollars per year. Without good insurance, your mother could quickly lose everything, which means no inheritance for you. So buy the woman some groceries!

Short answer: No.

Longer answer:
There's a rule of human relationships that I've worked out over the years, and it goes like this: The more someone assumes you 'should' do something for them - the more unpleasant it will be, the more self-sacrifice it will involve on your part, and if you have any sense, the less willing you will be to do it for them.

The people you will offer to do things for, are willing to put yourself out for, are the people who will never cause you any trouble and may even insist you don't put yourself out for them. The others are the ones you want to watch. And nowhere does that apply more than with elderly parents. It's easy for people to say 'They looked after you as a baby, now it's your turn...' but babies are a choice. It's been my choice not to have children because I didn't feel able to cope with that level of responsibility for another human being, and most people respect that. They should also respect anyone's decision that they can't take on the care of an adult, who in many ways is a lot more work - and won't grow up and leave home.

Elsewhere online, I know many people whose mothers (usually) insisted on their daughters (almost always it's seen as a daughter's obligation) taking them into their own homes. The result has been that the daughters have given up their whole lives and are now broke, sick, and often suicidal in their efforts to please old women who it seems in many cases, have never even liked them, until they got old and realized they needed an unpaid carer. By contrast, I've also come across daughters who would rush to care for Mom, only to find that Mom has thought about daughter's welfare long in advance of getting sick and made her own arrangements so she won't be a burden. (Wish I had one of those!)

In my case? My elderly mother's health started to deteriorate a few years back, and she was immediately using emotional blackmail to make out that I should move (several hundred miles) and sacrifice mine and my husband's jobs and home to care for her. It took my brother, who lives much closer and whom she will actually listen to, to convince her that that wasn't going to happen. She's now in a nursing home, and to be honest she's a full-time job to those poor nurses...but at least they get to go home at the end of their shift! But, she too made that assumption. I was always the 'weird kid' who never did anything well enough to please her, but when she got sick I was suddenly the daughter she was 'really close to'...even though she'd been messing me around emotionally (which considering my not particularly good skills in that area, she was expert at) and attempting to sabotage my every life choice for decades.

I say, do what you feel able to do...but run a mile if they insist, because that's the warning sign.

If she has been a good parent to you then it is a way of showing her respect back, if she has not treated you well then many NT's may not even blame you for not returing the favor. It is more just custom some people belive in, it varies. There is no defined set of unwritten rules that is what can make them so confusing sometimes.

Red Haired Grrl, I keep nodding in agreement, especially when you talk about sabotage. A person who continually attacks her offspring does not earn the right to force that offspring to also care for her in her old age.