Should an Aspie adult have children?

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Being a parent is one of the most difficult and the most rewarding jobs there are be you NT or AS.

AMEN to that ! !!

My problem was wanting to be my daughter's friend, and be entertaining instead of being a good dad. I also didn't follow through on promises. I guess I didn't do too badly though, she's in the Navy, married, and well adjusted.

I had my daughter later in life and even then she was a suprise and the best darn one Ive ever had She may have some symptoms on the spectrum, but she is very sociable and my parents enjoy taking her places which is a huge relief to me. I do worry that I won't be the best parent I would like to be as I have become very reclusive. And yes it drives my more social husband nuts and no I wasn't as unsocial as I am now when the two of us met.

I am contemplating a second Lord willing as we are close to our siblings and I think she would be a great older sister. I just like the idea she would have family besides her parents. And I hope they would be more social together which may make it easier on the children.

I've thought maybe I shouldn't have more, bcause now I'm fairly sure I'm an aspie. But isn't that being selective and prejudiced like alot of NT's are? I was a big sis to a woman with downs and I enjoyed being around her. She loved everybody and had the sweetest smile.
Are we so afraid to be different from the NT world that we refuse to have children that may create a vaccine for a deadly or painful disease, be a great leader of faith, an empathetic caring person or gifted artistic? There is so much more available nowadays to those with differing disabilities. I don't believe Aspergers went DSM till 1995? Had I know what I know now I think my life would have been less stressful and such so the child would have so many more advantages then I had growing up in the 70's and early 80's.

i can't have children, but if i were to adopt, the child would have to be somewhat older (or at least mature). i can't stand loud noises and the very presence of a baby triggers the hell out of me.

Having children is a very personal choice. There are many NTs out there who don't make good parents.

Parenting is about love. You can overcome almost anything with love. And let me tell you, when you first meet your child...you fall in love with the little creature.

No matter how frustrating things become the love for the child is enought to get you through. I was a single parent for my NT and AS sons. It was difficult, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I wish I could have been more patient at times. But my kids are great kids. They are affectionate and loving. They knew from an early age that I loved them unquestioningly, and never was critical. That's the key. I don't belittle them...I boost them up. I am their chief cheerleader.

So...don't let AS be the determining factor. However, if your partner does'nt want kids, you'd better be sure you don't if you want to be with her. You'll regret it if you don't and you wanted to.

I know 100% that I want to be a parent.

I got the impression that's EXACTLY why he wouldn't want kids.

Parenthood seems to make superhuman demands on NT's.
I figure, what chance would an Aspie have of meeting them.
Aspies also face much higher chances of divorce and single-parenthood - with consequent life-quality (emotional and economic) ramifications for their kids.
Aspies generally also have much smaller support networks, making parenthood even more demanding.

Kids are a very serious drain on the wallet - and I'll never have the kind of earnings potential to afford a family ... not because I'm dumb, but because of the social disability that is Asperger's.

I'm pretty sure that unless I come into some serious dough, I'll die an evolutionary cul-de-sac.
But the way I figure it, it's probably doing more of a favour to my putative descendants than putting them through the kind of experience that my life's been.

Yes, it would be easier for them than it was for me - but the cost and attendant risks are way out of my league.

This is not to say that if I had the money and the love of a good woman, I wouldn't love a family.
But I live in the real world - and I'd rather be an evolutionary cul-de-sac than face the massive risks (far greater for an Aspie than an NT) of becoming a father.

Shoot, I can barely afford to keep my own ass.

Your daughter sounds cool!

Some of what you say about your son rings bells. Some aspies have been delayed in terms of potty training and also wetting the bed. Tripping and clumsiness might be dyspraxia (or it might just be occasional regular clumsiness). And repeating stuff could be echolalia (or it could just be his way of learning words).

This is what scares me most.

I had a daughter when I was very young who is grown up now. She was diagnosed with ADHD although I think she's Aspie. I was only formally diagnosed last year. So whereas it wasn't a factor last time round, because I didn't know, the thought of having more children on the spectrum does cross my mind. I know I could cope with aspie child, but I've never even met anyone with classic autism, although I've heard how demanding it can be caring for such a child, not to mention all the gruelling battles with the authorities about access to support services, therapies and appropriate education.

I definitely want more children. But the thing that scares me most is the prospect of meeting someone, settling down, starting a family, and then my husband running away and leaving me a single mother.

My daughter's father was my first boyfriend and I was young, naive and stupid, but not so stupid that I was prepared to put up with intolerable treatment, because I wasn't. He wanted to marry me but by then I realised it was a mistake because he was actually turned into a very controlling and jealous and physically abusive person. Basically I called the police and had him removed from our apartment because of domestic violence. There were no charges or trial or anything, he was just out of my life for good. (I feel lucky about my experience though because I drew the line and swore I would never let any man hit me again or treat me so badly. I know some women can get trapped in a cycle of violence, but it's never happened to me again.)

Anyway, if I have more children, I want to have them with a man who wants to be a father and takes those responsibilities seriously. In addition to having maybe one or two biological children, if that's possible, I also want to foster and adopt. There are so many older children who are in foster care who need families.

Your childhood sounds really tough Elizabeth. I'm sorry to hear you went through all that.

I know there's all kinds of research that shows abused children are more likely to become abused parents. I guess if they've never had a good role model themselves, it can be hard for them to know what good parenting is, and what are appropriate methods of discipline and so on.

But I think it is possible to break that cycle of abuse. I truly believe it's possible for people who have been abused as children to be good parents, because they know what their parents did wrong, they know what not to do.

But of course, you're right, it's also not something for everyone. Everyone should be free to make up their own minds without any pressure from wider society about whether they should have children. I think society is becoming more accepting nowadays, I think maybe last century, a woman who didn't want to marry and have children, or a woman who wanted to marry but not have children would have faced a lot of pressure to conform to society's 'ideal'. But I don't think that's the case any more. Not having children for whatever reason (and an NT friend of mine didn't want them because she had horses which are very expensive to keep and also she and her husband liked to go on their foreign holidays) is just as valid a choice as having children.

If I ever wanted kids they would have to be physically and mentally healthy adopted children. I'm not passing on my genes to anyone!!

If I ever have children I'd just hope they would grow up to be happy, responsible and open minded. Whether they were 'normal' or AS really wouldn't be an issue because I'd like to believe that either way they would have a father who loves and cares for them and would try to support them in life to the best of my ability.

To anybody on the sight who may seriously be considering parenting a child, go for it!. Don't deny yourself (or them) potential happiness because of what difficulties YOU may have experienced in the past. Nobody gets an easy ride through life, regardless of who they are.

Knowing what not to do isn't enough. You have to know what the positive alternative is. It is very easy to avoid the mistakes your parents made, but then make other mistakes, that may be just as bad.

I've chosen not to have children but not because I am worried that they may be autistic, but because they may be NTs.

How would I rase an NT? They'd ask all kinds of questions and I would be totaly unable to answer. Not to mention that I can't stand baby's crying and I need a lot of time to be alone -I'd be a horrible mom.

What if they grew up and thought I was weird or something?

If the kid was an Aspie/Autie I think I would be able to relate more to them and advise them on what to do because our exsperiences might be similer.

I have to admit, I find baby screaming one of the most intolerable sounds on the planet ... winds me up something awful. I guess because as an Aspie, I'm very sensitive to the emotional tonalities ... and boy, do they sound angry.

I was waiting at the airport the other day, and a 3 year-old boy was having a screaming meltdown. It was so loud and angry, the whole concourse looked round to see what the matter was.

How do people put up with the screaming ?

Don't get me wrong, I love kids to bits - but I don't think I could put up with the first five years of one (or more).

But I find myself wondering and curious about the emotional/psychological side (as a new experience) of what it is to be/come a father.

If I WERE to become one, I'm pretty sure I'd feel more a part of this world - having a stake in it.

I'm sure it would (as my mother might have said) take me out of myself.
Sometimes I get pretty bored being the centre of my own universe - not being in a relationship and all.

But like a LOT of guys, I'd only ever be interested in raising my own progeny - as raising kids for its own sake is most definitely NOT something I'd have the remotest interest in.

You'd actually PREFER an autistic kid ?

Why not go the whole hog and go for one with Down's, Cerebral Palsy and Spinabifida ?

I think that's probably due to a preference of having a child like oneself. I actually could communicate with my first sweetheart (my HS GF) better than my current one, because she couldn't really use a phone due to her CP. (her CP prevented her from talking with anything more than some basic syllables) So, we ended up chatting online instead of using the phone. Made things much easier for me.