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Rjaye
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02 Feb 2008, 11:45 pm

Just to see if anyone could relate:

I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotion in the last few months. Depression has been the predominant state, but there has been an overabundant and overblown anger that comes up at times like a tidal wave.

I've broken things, and then shamefully cleaned up. Several thousand dollars worth of electronics ended up in the bin (now I feel guilty that I should have recycled it), and I've ended up cut on the glass. Meltdowns scarcely describe what I'm going through.

The stress of the last few months in trying to find meds that will control a newly dx medical condition, and fighting to get through classes have taken any accumulated ability to deal with people away, and now I am back to avoiding eye to eye contact, I'm stimming so much, I'm getting tendonitis in my shins, and I'm having problems speaking (writing is all right--too bad I can't do that). I ended up at the ER today, because my clinic had not returned my calls, and I waited six hours while people were being treated and released around me. I ended up in a room with a kid who was screaming his lungs out because he didn't want to get stuck with a needle, and wouldn't stop, and I ended up walking circles around the nurse's station, er, limping rather...

The social worker is supposed to call me with someone who deals with autism spectrum stuff, and she's already spoken to my shrink about possible antidepressants that will work with my current RA regimen, and to get a doc who can see me more often than every three months, since I'm supposed to be checked every month. WHile things are moving in the right direction in theory, I have this sense of hopelessness that this is as good as it's going to get, and that my best hope is permanent drug induced apathy.

Wow, that sounds like a bummer, but then I kind of feel that way.

Rjaye.



viska
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02 Feb 2008, 11:51 pm

Hi Rjaye,

I can't relate but I hope things do get better for you and that you don't lose hope. I hope that you can find some meds that help you with your current issues. Please keep us filled in.



postpaleo
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03 Feb 2008, 2:35 am

Hi der Rjaye

Danielsmyname said something the other day and I can't quote it exactly but it struck home..there are times when I'm higher functioning. And I think that's very true for me.

I really think I've only had what I would call two real meltdowns and both were very bad. But I do go through some of what youve mentioned, but on a more individual sometimes basis, if that makes any sense. Sometimes a couple at a time, but..the full blowns were all you said and more. I think we all have our own point of when it becomes intolerable and can be very self cutting. Very overwhelming hopeless feelings and some of my smaller moments can have this feeling as well. I don't really know what to say and I do know that just saying I go through what you do from time to time isn't a lot of help. I have often said I need a damn vacation from myself and get damned sick and tired of hearing this too shall pass.

Roller-coaster ride of emotions, oh yeah do I ever know this one. And the road to getting it better under control, not fun, but oh so worth it. Here's the thing with me and the drug route, I was very outspoken about the drugged feel, I don't want it and I won't take it. It got to the point where I just flat out stopped doing them because I didn't have a clue who or what I was or what I was even trying to fix. They paid attention after that, didn't like it but they had no choice. A good med won't or shouldn't over power you and they are out there. Depression was my predominant state and the manics just didn't seem to be there, the good manics. The rage was most definitely there and that is a form of manic or can be. Some times ,and just because there are now meds that are better aimed at this stuff and not the cast off kind from something else, it's a bit less of a rocky road finding the right one for you. In my case a mood stabilizer as the anti depressents haven't played out very well. And even with this one it isn't perfect and I'm not even terribly sure what perfect is. I just know it's better.

Now it might not be an option for you but let me tell you a little secret. Sometimes it's easier to get a disability for the co-morbid and not the AS. Think about it, so what if the label doesn't exactly fit, it still isn't a lie.

Well for not knowing what to say, I guess I found something. Oh well, hope you feel better and I won't say this too shall pass, becuase I hated waiting all my life for this too to pass. I had to do something about it.


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Rjaye
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03 Feb 2008, 3:45 am

Thank you, Viska.

Hey, Postie,

postpaleo wrote:
Hi der Rjaye

I don't really know what to say and I do know that just saying I go through what you do from time to time isn't a lot of help. I have often said I need a damn vacation from myself and get damned sick and tired of hearing this too shall pass.


Yes, yes, yes. I drive (even at the price of gas) just to get a sense of distance from myself, even if illusory. It does get tiring to hear "this will pass," because I keep thinking what about next time?

postpaleo wrote:
Roller-coaster ride of emotions, oh yeah do I ever know this one. And the road to getting it better under control, not fun, but oh so worth it. Here's the thing with me and the drug route, I was very outspoken about the drugged feel, I don't want it and I won't take it. It got to the point where I just flat out stopped doing them because I didn't have a clue who or what I was or what I was even trying to fix. They paid attention after that, didn't like it but they had no choice. A good med won't or shouldn't over power you and they are out there. Depression was my predominant state and the manics just didn't seem to be there, the good manics. The rage was most definitely there and that is a form of manic or can be. Some times ,and just because there are now meds that are better aimed at this stuff and not the cast off kind from something else, it's a bit less of a rocky road finding the right one for you. In my case a mood stabilizer as the anti depressents haven't played out very well. And even with this one it isn't perfect and I'm not even terribly sure what perfect is. I just know it's better.


I wondered about the angry bit being a kind of manic phase. I have meds like xanax, and I have a friend who is manic depressive who suggested using the xanax during the angry phases. It works, and my docs know I've used xanax during these inner tirades, but I don't want to make a habit of it just because once the docs feel I'm using it too often, I won't be able to get a refill. I also have oxycodone for the reactice arthritis, which I only use at night, and while the oxycodone works wonderfully for the pain (and I use 1.25 mg-which is tiny), it leaves me diddly, and as I tell my friends, I'm halfway there. I am willing to settle for better, because at this stage in my life, I understand bearable may be all I can achieve, and build up from their with work and school.


postpaleo wrote:
Now it might not be an option for you but let me tell you a little secret. Sometimes it's easier to get a disability for the co-morbid and not the AS. Think about it, so what if the label doesn't exactly fit, it still isn't a lie.

Well for not knowing what to say, I guess I found something. Oh well, hope you feel better and I won't say this too shall pass, becuase I hated waiting all my life for this too to pass. I had to do something about it.


I'm already on disability due to the depression and the arthritis, though when first dx, the docs thought it was osteo. Then I was dx with a spinal deformity, and then I went back to school because I want to eventually get back to work...I do miss work. But I want to be able to maintain some kind of equilibrium and do justice to the job. I would suggest the exact same thing as you, though. People don't understand enough about ASD's in general, and hell, social security denied my dying mother ssi the first time she applied-the woman was bedridden and on a ventilator. So I was lucky to get accepted right off.

But I found out some things since being on SS. I got my old file from the school district, and found that the school has a psychiatrist come to the school to evaluate me, because I wasn't quite right, yet I was extremely bright. Couldn't socialize normally, was defiant (that's what they called it-I was completely baffled most of the time by my teacher's response to me), would not look people in the eye...Because of the archaic jargon, I didn't connect their written terms, but it explained alot of what happened or not happened to me.

I guess my point is that I'm trying to find ways to cope with people. It's becoming more and more apparent my nonverbal communication skills are limiting my relationships, and always have. I want to learn how to deal with that, because I am at a loss. Friends now understand they have to ask more questions because they now know there's more going on with me than they ever realized and I thought I was telling them--and feeling hurt and isolated because they wouldn't respond to my situation.

The social worker called me back with some names of people who might be able to help, but I doubt it. I live in the Pacific Northwest, and it seems odd there aren't more treatment options. I even e-mailed the director of the autism clinic at the University of Washington, and the few adult groups in Seattle are set up by the same people seemingly as a way to make money. She said she would call me on Wednesday, and give me more information regarding my other issues.

Thank you for your kind words.

Metta, R.



postpaleo
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03 Feb 2008, 5:13 am

Rjaye wrote:
I wondered about the angry bit being a kind of manic phase.

People don't understand enough about ASD's in general, and hell, social security denied my dying mother ssi the first time she applied-the woman was bedridden and on a ventilator. So I was lucky to get accepted right off.


A couple of things. Please don't jump to the conclusion it's bipolar. It can get murky. You obviously have been put through the wringer for a good long while and most of us have. Over time this all builds up, not for all, but some of us. This can have the nasty effect of creating Complex PTSD, which can have the rages and other wonderful little joys. It needs to be sorted out as best as we can at this age. The med route is something I think one should only do if you really have to. But if you have to, don't wait.

Yeah that outfit is something else again, my wife is sometimes beyond pain I don't know what that is exactly but I do know even the strongest pain killers they will give her, they just don't touch it. Such a horrible feeling of powerlessness when that happens to her. But the thing is her conditions are very debilitating and like your Mom, denied. My slip is signed by a government (VA) doctor, which is a mixed blessing, but like you, went through the first time and no hassles.

Yeah I miss work too. Hell of it is, I could make more on minimum wage. It wouldn't take a great deal to get what we live on up. But, I'm not complaining. I do get a small Army disability pension besides and that is more then what most get. While this particular Doc won't even look at the AS, my councilors there don't have any doubt. However, he is more and more seeing something else at work and did begrudgingly give me an unlimited scrip for a break through anxiety med. This has helped immensely. You just have to keep thumpin em over the head and they think I can be belligerent? He should look in the mirror a bit more. He won't be there much longer the burn out rate for Vets Admin docs is really high and then another gamble on what you get and wonder when they get another at all. Right now no councilor, they ran out because of the current over flow. That's ok too, I like it when they just leave me alone. And I'm doing ok, take care of the new ones coming home, they deserve it and I sure hope better then what my generation got.

Take care of yourself and see ya around 8)


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Rjaye
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03 Feb 2008, 6:26 am

I completely agree about not jumping to conclusions...it was something I wondered about, and I'm pretty sure the anger is about the frustration building up in my body, and at some point it has to go somewhere.

Not being able to manage the pain scares me, but what scares me worse is losing mobility. I've gone through two episodes of not being able to walk, and when my doc tried to get me to use a walker, I nearly lost it. I was hiking in the Olympics last summer, and now I can't get too far or I might not be able to get back.

PTSD--had it, still have to deal with it periodically. The flashbacks were maddening. I don't know how you do it, but when you wrote about it, it gave me the shivers because it brought back my own. Everything seems to slip away except that moment or moments, and all that exist is that awful memory, and just this sense of horror as it unfolds.

I finally got to the point I talked to myself, and went through steps to get myself back to reality, but sometimes it took days. Mine never involved guns and the military and I can't imagine...bless you for surviving that and continuing to do so...

All of you guys who served deserve better treatment. I'm just so sorry things are the way they are.

I am glad that your new meds are helping. Maybe I should slip that hint in about anti-anxiety meds, just so the shrink will consider the possibility. The anti-depressants aren't all that great at this point, and I keep wondering if the anger and the anxiety are closely tied. Oh, heck, I know they are. I freak out the same way during an anxiety attack, and am just as exhausted afterward.

Thank you for your replies, Postie.

Metta, R.