Ok, I can see her point there. She's having to do all the "heavy" work and then the kids nip off to see Dad and have fun time. That would irritate the hell out of me, as the kids would most likely come home and give me the "we don't have to do that at Dad's" or "you're mean, I want to live with Dad because he never....fill in the blank here". If I was in the trenches all day every day and night and Dad only popped in every other weekend to play "fun fairygodfather" I'd be pissed off, too. But I don't know if that's what you are proposing.
I think "the norm" depends on the state you live in. Here in California I've met people who split the year - the kid stays one place part of the year, one place the other. That would really have to consider the children, though - would it be best for them? Can they handle that arrangement? I've never been really comfortable with that arrangement, as it could seriously complicate logistics, school residencies, etc., and wouldn't have worked well for my kid when she was young, as she didn't do well with change in routine.
Most of the divorced parents I know arrange to remain living close enough together, for the sake of the kids, until the kids are into their teen years and can decide who they want to live with. The absent parent, whichever one isn't in the household when the kids are younger, of more traditional arrangements stays actively involved in their lives on a more regular basis than the "every other weekend" schtick. By that I mean the Kids live with Mom. Dad picks 'em up after school a few days a week, gets 'em to soccer, judo, and swim classes. Dad is available every weekend, and Dad and Mom work out in advance who's doing what and when. Dad talks to them on the phone several times a week - and the kids are free to call him when they'd like. Basically the only thing not happening is that Dad does not live in the house any longer. Any chance you can move closer to where they live?
I've got an acquaintance who is having to hound "Dad" to step up to the plate, to be there for the kids, as Dad only wants 'em every other weekend. That's not being a part of their lives, really - he's not going to their soccer matches. He's not going to their PTA meetings. He's not helping with their homework. He's not taking them to the doctor or sitting up with them all night when they're sick. He's just being a dick who wants his playtime every other week to annoy his ex-wife. And many times he doesn't bother to show up to pick the kids up at all. That's not parenting, that's game playing. I feel so sorry for those kids.
I've got another acquaintance who's ex does just the opposite, he's a damned good father. The boys' mother can call him at any time and he'll be there in a flash. He sat up last week with his boys while they barfed their toenails up for the second night in a row so their mother could get some sleep. He goes to every single thing they do - soccer, swimming, school recitals, school open house, science fair. He stops by several nights a week to see the kids, on his way home from work. He takes them to the park on weekends. He is most interested in keeping them happy and well adjusted. If he's got a beef with his ex, they discuss it when the children are not around and do not let it impact the children. He's, as I said, a damned good father. The older boy has just expressed an interest in going to live with him, as the house the kids live in with their mother is rather small and he's a bit older than his siblings and is feeling his hormones-a-popping. He'll be going to live with Dad at the end of the school year on a "trial run" basis.
It's so nice to see that it can work, when people put their egos aside. I hope it goes as well for your kids, you, and your ex.
09 Mar 2008, 1:49 am
