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incorrigible
Raven
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27 Jan 2012, 8:38 pm

I just need somewhere to brag on my hubby right now, and I imagine others sometimes do, too. This isn't really something that anyone else in my life would get because it's related to ASD.....which they really don't "get". lol

We're about to move out of state. I've moved many many times, but never with another adult to deal with during the process. I was telling him that maybe he should pick up some more hours at work or get into some activity with the kids so everyone would be out of my hair...and just let me do everything. He does everything so differently from me that I'll end up freaking out either because I'm trying not to boss him around or I'll melt down because he will undoubtedly do absolutely everything in a way that's foreign to me...and I'll be feeling like the survival of everyone's most important possessions is riding on everything being done JUST right or something.

I happened to make an offhand comment in the discussion that if someone else did the packing and I just had to open the boxes on the other end and deal with what I had, I'd be fine...but we needed to figure something out for packing. Well, he has stubbornly decided that's exactly how it will be handled. Because he rocks. My son and I are flying out in a couple of weeks to sign the papers on the new place. We're going to stay for about a week. While we're gone, dh is going to pack most of the house! Then, a couple weeks later, I'm driving the kids and pets out by myself (which is like a pleasure cruise for me. I love distance driving, and the kids and animals love it too because we do lots of road trips. lol)....and he's going to have a buddy come over and help him pack up the rest of our stuff, load the truck, and do the final clean up...then he'll follow us out a few days later!

No grumbles, no complaints....he feels this is a totally fair division of effort.

Because he's the most awesome husband EVER!


_________________
- incorrigible
HFA mom to AS CrashNomad(14) and HFA Spritely(11)
and wife to NT Beast


justalouise
Velociraptor
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28 Jan 2012, 3:48 am

Wow, congratulations! That's so thoughtful of your husband.

I have a fiance who is such a damn good person...he's so helpful to everyone, and so patient with me (and believe me, I really try his patience sometimes!).



MrXxx
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09 Feb 2012, 11:59 am

Congratulations on your relationship, incorrigible. It sure isn't easy if you're on the spectrum, to find a mate that can put up with you, and harder yet to find one that can not only put up with you, but understand as well.

Why not? My wife DESERVES a good plug, so here it is.

I would say I'm very lucky to have found a woman like my wife, but I'm not one who believes in luck. The truth is, we're both on the spectrum, or at least we are both positive we both are. I've been diagnosed, she hasn't, but she has a brother who is AS, and all three of our sons are on the spectrum. There is way more than enough evidence to confidently say she is somewhere on the spectrum too.

What's interesting about our relationship is that her "brand" of Autism isn't quite the same as mine. It's taken a long time to realize this, but I would say the best way to describe her Autism is to say that it's complimentary to my own. Where I lack skills, she has them, and where she lacks skills, I have them. We do a lot of consulting with each other when it comes to dealing with other people (friends, family and acquaintances, and our sons).

When we first met, seventeen years ago now, both of us knew next to nothing about Autism. Neither of us knew we had it, or anything about her brother having it, though he had already been diagnosed but no one had ever told her. We began the journey into ASD awareness when our second son began showing some odd behaviors that I thought looked eerily like Classic Autism from what I had seen in documentaries many years before I met my wife.

Today, we are both convinced that what attracted us to each other was our unique outlooks, and somewhat odd social behaviors, and really off the wall values as compared to everyone else we knew. I had had many failed relationships before I met her. Now I think a lot of why they failed was because of my Autism and the fact that my girlfriends and first wife just could not deal with it.

It took several years for us to learn about Asperger Syndrome, PDD-NOS and high-functioning Autism in general, and several years before I began to strongly suspect I might be Autistic myself. In fact, it was because of a few failed evaluations of my son, then giving up trying to get him evaluated, then a few years later having the school psychologist announce that after evaluating him herself, he has Asperger Syndrome. When I chewed over how it could possibly have been missed before, when we were so convinced, I began to wonder. What if I have AS, and because of my AS, the way I answer questions on evaluation form is skewed because so many of the behavioral patterns they look for seem normal to me? Long story short, that's exactly what happened. Once I realized these behaviors were NOT in fact typical, that blazed the way for all the boys, and me to eventually receive diagnoses.

Here's the part where my wife's deservedness of high praise comes in.

For the first eight years of our marriage, we only suspected Autism in one son for most of those years. Neither of us knew anything about the rest of us.

For the first eight years, and beyond, we were ALL on the spectrum but didn't know. During that entire time, ASD's were affecting our relationship in really, REALLY bad ways. There was a LOT of misunderstandings, a LOT of anger that built up, three brief separations, depression, missed work, job losses, financial fiascos, etc. etc. We very nearly were divorced twice.

Throughout ALL of that, after every crises, she was always willing to try again. Always willing to explore what was really going wrong.

Now, I'm not going to type up all the war stories in gory detail. Suffice it to say that our marriage has been through the cauldron and back. Today, our marriage is stronger than ever, more intimate than when we first met, and we are more in love than either of us ever thought we could be.

None of what we enjoy together today would be possible if it were not for her NEVER GIVING UP! None of this would have been possible had she not been willing to learn about and come to understand not just ASD's in general, but MY Autism specifically. And she not only came to understand it, she came to accept it. There was a time I never stopped wondering if she ever would.

She did. She's a very strong woman. Stronger than any woman I have ever known. She's also the most patient, soft spoken woman I have ever known. Soft spoken, but strong. In other words, she won't bite your head off but she won't take any s**t either. When I first met her, she was afraid to stand up for herself. Now, she's not afraid at all to let me know if I'm being a prick. And that's what I have always needed. Her, as she is today, JUST as she is.

One thing I've always loved about her is that she's never cared for many of the typical gestures guys make to impress their women. She doesn't like diamonds, and never wanted an engagement ring. She doesn't care for roses, unless she's planted the bushes herself. She doesn't care much for the typical gifts men buy for women (flowers, chocolates, jewelry, that kind of stuff). Except for once many years ago, I've never ever bought her a Valentine's day gift, and it's never mattered to her.

This year though, she's going to get a big surprise while she's at work. Not sure yet what, but I've got enough spare change right now to do something that'll make all her co-workers jealous. THAT is something I know she likes. :P

Anyone who can put up with what she's put up with and work through all that crap for seventeen years, but not only work through it, to turn it all from crap to pure gold, DESERVES to be put on a pedestal for at least a day.

She is one COOL woman. And she's MINE!! ! :P


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I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...


Ajee
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10 Feb 2012, 4:39 pm

For the first eight years, and beyond, we were ALL on the spectrum but didn't know. During that entire time, ASD's were affecting our relationship in really, REALLY bad ways. There was a LOT of misunderstandings, a LOT of anger that built up, three brief separations, depression, missed work, job losses, financial fiascos, etc. etc. We very nearly were divorced twice.

Hello Mrxxx,

After all these episodes of separation and near divorces, how did you restart? Who convinced whom and how.

Thanks.



MrXxx
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10 Feb 2012, 5:34 pm

Ajee wrote:
For the first eight years, and beyond, we were ALL on the spectrum but didn't know. During that entire time, ASD's were affecting our relationship in really, REALLY bad ways. There was a LOT of misunderstandings, a LOT of anger that built up, three brief separations, depression, missed work, job losses, financial fiascos, etc. etc. We very nearly were divorced twice.

Hello Mrxxx,

After all these episodes of separation and near divorces, how did you restart? Who convinced whom and how.

Thanks.


ooh, man, is that ever a complex story. I'll have to get back to you on that. Feel free to PM me if I forget. I don't check the email alerts on threads very often. I will post the answer here though.

EDIT: Come to think of it, that would be a little off topic for this thread. I may just reply via PM, or, maybe even start another thread and send you a PM with link.


_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...