Please help- trouble staying focused and trying to have baby

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I have no idea where to put this topic- so I'm hoping "general" discussion will be alright. Either way- please don't get mad and please help if you can.

My husband and I both have Asperger's and we're trying to have a baby. The problem: half the time "it" doesn't work out. We're both preoccupied with everything else; work, to dos, noises in the house, sensory issues- you name it. Neither one of us wants to be preoccupied, it just happens. I'm on methylphenidate (ritalin), he's not. He has a harder time then I do... and well, in this case his level of participation is kind of important. I'm almost in tears because we both really really love each other, it's just really hard to focus and it has always been this way for each of us in our past relationships too. It just never mattered before.

Any suggestions???? Anyone else have this problem? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

So your problem is you can't find time to have sex? I have no expirience in this area, so I can't help you.

No, it's that once we start, we think if other things and get distracted. Once that happens we have to stop because we're not in the mood any more. It doesn't happen every time, but it does happen more often than not

Is a child something you really want to have together at this point?

There's no harm in waiting until life gets a little easier.

That's quite... a confusing problem IMO

Are there any little things you do or wear he especially likes (and vice versa)?

The more you enjoy the act the easier it would be for both of you to focus I think.

Hello. I am not an expert in this sort of thing but I found this article.

http://www.thirdage.com/menopause/nine- ... ve-killers

Hopefully you won't be dismayed by the title, it's supposed to be helpful (and obviously luckily for people not just of menopausal age.)

It seems like #1 ("Life") and #2 ("Anxiety") might address your concerns.

Also it wasn't mentioned in the article but it occurs to me maybe you need a vacation or to find other ways of eliminating stress in your life by doing away with distracting things that aren't priorities if possible, even if just for the time being.

Anyway good luck. I can honestly say I've never understood this concept although from what I hear it's quite common but when someone with AS posts on this board describing an issue through their filter I often get things I've never gotten before. Just thought I'd mention.

I just more fully realized how ridiculous it is that I gave "advice" on this topic... something about questions makes it so the less I know about something the more I want to try to answer it. Anyway yes well-wishes in any case.

"Don't think about an elephant". What are you thinking about? An elephant? You probably heard this before, that learning relaxation and meditation is the opposite of concentrating. You need to let go of your own focus. You also seem to have turned something that should be pleasurable and loving into a household chore.

Perhaps you need to establish some patterns that suit you both, like ensuring a relaxed environment - wine & dine first, like dating. Be sure to keep the home tidy and clean so that there is no mess or unfinished chores to distract your minds. If you usually have sex in the bedroom, then get rid of all work-related books, the television and all hobby or personal interest clutter from the bedroom.

On the one hand you might want to avoid having sex unless both of you are in the mood, to eliminate the chore feelings. On the other, you might want to agree with each other that you are open to quick, spontaneous sex when one of you feels the urge, wherever you are and whatever you are doing at the time (so long as it is safe and private). I assume that you have both enjoyed sex together, and you need to hold on to those times when it is a mutual pleasure. Talking during sex, and about the things you find exciting, can really increase intimacy.

To state the obvious, you also both need to know about fertility - having penetrative sex to completion on the most fertile days of your monthly cycle - but not to the point that "having the baby" makes sex such an effort that it is no longer any fun.

Thread moved from General Autism Discussion to In-Depth Adult Life Discussion.

Thank you for moving the discussion

And thanks to everyone for all your responses. It seems at this point after reflecting on things with a new filter, that we probably fall into the "chore" category ...even though we already are following the "healthy sex techniques" (only when we feel like it, talking about likes & unlikes, romance, trying things). The problem most likely is that we both have always just got done what we needed/wanted to get done in the quickest most efficient way possible; in this case it's a bit different. We have no control- it'll happen when it happens (very frustrating for overachievers). Guess its just another thing we have to work on, but now I think we have some place to start- and that's never a bad thing.

Haha! I'm very much the same way And the article was helpful- you did good

Well, having sex in order to get pregnant IS a chore.
No reason not to just acknowledge that it is what it is, and it's perfectly normal and okay to have boring, distracted sex sometimes when you're trying for a baby. It's also okay for one or both of you to watch tv, as long as the "job" still gets done. Quickies are also fine.
Also, you could try buying ovulation kits so you'll know when your best odds for conception are, and you won't feel like you have to have sex all the time when you're not really in the mood.

Wishing you a healthy, happy pregnancy very soon!

Well, I can't seem to do much about myself having the same problem-- just me though, not NT Hubby. About the only advice I can offer is that thirteen years of fast-forwarding through foreplay and getting straight to the act itself before I change my mind or my attention wanders enough to kill his libido has produced five pregnancies.

That, and a hug. Complications of Aspie life are... interesting, to say the least.

My ex gf didn't know that. She always complained about the lack of foreplay...

As for the OP, try not to look at it as a task, have more time together doing activities you both like, hug and fondle if 'it' just doesn't come around...

Do you guys ever watch porn together? It can be great for getting people mutually aroused, and it can keep your fixated during, too!

Good suggestion, but one of my interests is gender roles in society and sexual deviance... so it's too hard for me to suspend my disbelief when watching porn, thus it does nothing for me (sad panda). I don't stop my husband from enjoying whatever he wants- it's just my personal feelings on it. In most cases porn works wonders I've heard, so thank you for the suggestion.

Husband and I have actually been having major success by scheduling it. I know that sounds crazy and so counter intuitive, but for us it's working. I got the idea from the menopause article posted by purchase. Part of what I think was happening is that we knew we should try, but didn't know when it was ok to (we have a hard time switching tasks...) Of course, the "schedule" isn't set in stone or anything, so if either of us just doesn't want to or is feeling ill- no worries.

Don't think we've killed our romance by any means! We're actually doing a lot better with it now that we've found a solution and have relieved some of the tense "now?" stress/uncertainty that had been going on. In fact, acknowledging that we're both a little "off" in the whole romance department has been a romantic boost in and of it's self- "aww, sweetie- we both hate the same things"

But **REALLY** Thank you all for your suggestions!! ! They really really really did help! We just needed to get out of our heads and your suggestions helped start a conversation that didn't seem like an attack. More suggestions are always welcome so don't hesitate putting your two cents in. Who knows? I'm sure we're not the only aspies to need a little help in this department