Curiosity and trauma

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Hello. I'm not 30 yet, I'm only 28 but I have been living on my own since 18 and when I mean on my own, I really mean on my own. I have not had contact with my family in years.

I have no official diagnosis. I have had trouble making friends since I was a "weird" child and still struggle to maintain friendships. I have one friend and am on friendly terms with my fiancée's friends as well. I have been with her for nearly three years and am amazed at her capacity to deal with my quirks. I have brought up the subject of Asperger's with her before but I don't believe she has a very good grasp on the syndrome. I believe when she hears it she imagines somebody who is like the character in "Rainman".

I have also not mentioned it at all to my therapist, though she is aware of my history of depression, social anxiety and ADD. I am currently trying to work through much of the trauma I experienced as a kid, I was raised in a very abusive environment and I want to be sure that, while I certainly fit all the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's, they are not a result of trauma. I think the trauma and my social problems are very different though. I have had these symptoms since before the trauma began.

I am curious as to whether or not anybody else here has had any similar experiences of abuse which may or may not have affected them socially. I went to 18 different schools as a kid...and at each school the experience of being the new kid was worse. Could an underlying diagnosis of Asperger's be exacerbated by being repeatedly placed in horrible situations? I experienced a small amount of fitting in as a late teenager and younger adult when I began to experiment with drugs and alcohol and found that I "fit in" by means of chemicals. When I chilled out, I again found it hard to make friends.

I believe that I learned to mimic empathy and even to understand it and what it meant from a younger age because, though I am now male and have spent most of my adult life as male, I was born female and raised as such. I believe that the societal expectations to be female gave me a crash course in empathy...though I still don't always feel it when I know I should be--I know what to say though.

I'd like to bring this up to my therapist who knows my history but for some reason I feel ashamed about it. And I fear ridicule, though I don't know why I fear it...both she and I know about my long history of social problems and such.

Has anybody had any experiences even slightly similar to this? I would like to hear from you, even just so I may receive validation, which I believe will give me more courage to breach this subject with my therapist.

Thank you,
Jonah

please feel free to email me offboard if you'd like: [email protected]

I don't enjoy "chatting" but email works well for me.

-Jonah

Hi, Jonah. I haven't had the sorts of experiences that you describe, but I wanted to reply to your post. I think it's very impressive that you can express yourself so articulately after enduring such a disrupted education. You're obviously very bright.

It's hard to imagine that abuse, constant moves and bad experiences WOULDN'T exacerbate underlying Asperger's. I think they'd exacerbate ANYTHING, to be honest.

I think you need to bring this up with your therapist. There's no reason to feel embarrassed- if you have Asperger's in addition to your history of abuse, that will make your issues more complex, so your therapist needs to know in order to treat you appropriately.

You've certainly had a very tough time, Jonah. I'm glad you have a supportive partner and are working with a therapist to help you deal with your difficulties. I really wish you well, sweetheart. Jenny

Was one of your parents AS maybe? Some people find them less than satisfactory parents, due to distance, rules etc. I think there's some threads about it. My dad was ok, just 'not there'.

18 schools would really disturb an aspie, we don't cope with change well.

Jenny-- Thank you for your kind words. I am thinking of bringing a print out of the pdf file that the aspie test gave me. It's very detailed and I believe it represents me well. I will definitely bring this up with her, I am just not sure how to do it yet.

The moves were very, very traumatic for me. I had many a meltdown. I hate change and was forced to adapt so many times. They definitely slowed my education down. Luckily, I have always been good at writing and articulating myself (but not in conversation, unfortunately) so that got me by with a lot of teachers. Also, I think some of my teachers and counselors saw that I had special needs and though they weren't sure what they were, I think many of them gave me a bit of a break.


Postperson- I have been thinking about family history a lot lately, with special regard to whether relatives possibly have AS. I think my biological father may possibly have it, but I didn't meet him until I was on my own. My stepfather may also have it but I couldn't have gotten AS through learned behavior. My mother probably doesn't have it, I think she is just a sociopath...but she may surprise me yet, I don't know. She was just plain mean...and distant. And strict.

My younger half brother almost definitely has it. In fact, my parents were worried that he was mildly autistic when he was a baby. He'd bang his head on things repeatedly and though there was a ten year difference between us, we both enjoyed laying under the ceiling fans and watching them spin for hours. His special interests were always more deeply experienced than mine as well, from my perspective. I also do not believe that either of my uncles are NT.

Pertaining to the moving, as I said to Jenny above, they were very hard on me and I had many meltdowns.

Hi, Jonah. I'm glad that some of your teachers were supportive- with all that you had to deal with, you would have needed it. I'm a high school teacher myself, and it always bothers me to hear of teachers NOT supporting students who are clearly struggling.

That many changes would have been awfully difficult for anyone, let alone a person with Asperger's- I'm not surprised you had meltdowns.

The Aspie Quiz is certainly interesting. I tried it myself, even though I know I'm NT. The Quiz confirmed that. A friend of mine with undiagnosed AS tried it as well, and it showed him as "very likely an Aspie", which he and I think is almost certainly correct. I don't know how strictly accurate the Quiz actually is, but I think his result and mine were right. I wouldn't feel self-conscious about discussing your results with your therapist- if she is any good, she'll have noticed by now that you have some Asperger traits. You should certainly mention to her that similar conditions run in your family, as well.

I hope you can get this sorted out. You're very brave, I think. Jenny