My fiance is diagnosed Aspie. He's detaching and I have ?'s

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Hello,
I came upon your site while doing research on aspie meltdowns, avoidance, detachment. I'm an NT with lots of aspie traits (or an undiagnosed aspie not on the extreme side of the spectrum). When my fiance and I first met 1.5 years ago he told me he was an aspie and I loved it because a part of me believes I am too. I had given up on 'normal' abnormal relationships and dating (such a waste of time dating) since my track record was poor. I'm sure in retrospect it was mostly my fault for not 'connecting' or recriprocating certain physical and emotional needs. When I met 'my' aspie I felt there was light at the end of the tunnel and had some hope.

Through the past year and a half we've gotten along great. We're both weird but good with each other. I respect and admire his intelligence and he respects me as well. I have older kids from previous life and he likes and accepts them. We agreed early that we could not and would not live together since my NT kids and he would probably not do well under the same roof. He's neat, my kids messy, etc. I did not want to even risk losing a good thing experimenting. We worked out a system where he visits me and stays over twice during the week and I stay at his place alone twice during the week. His place is nicer than mine so we have family holidays there where he loves to cook and entertain. It's worked out. This Christmas and New Year we had two parties very close together which were too much for both of us. I've never liked crowds and noise but out of obligation had these parties. We were both glad when they were over but he voiced it less than I. I have anxiety and depression and take Welbutrin which helps keep things functional for me. When I do not have my meds, I get anxiety attacks at home and go into mini-rages of screaming and hollering. He doesn't take any meds.

Over the past 1.5 yrs., he's become my best friend. A couple of times he shut down (not sure exactly what it was) where his speech and communication were effected. These times were when I pressed certain topics. I learned not to do that so that no longer exists.

We both OCD and it usually works cause I have a web site (it's down for nonpayment right now) and he uses this time for whatever OCD he has going on or reading. When we first got together he OCD'd on sex. Prior to meeting him I proclaimed myself asexual for years. With him sex was tolerable and although I felt it was an obligation, I didn't mind it where before him, I hated it. He OCD'd on play parties, swinging, leather and whips, ropes, etc. It stopped when I panicked when the leather corsette didn't quite feel comfortable with my hands tied behind my back. So he now OCD's on RC helicopters. That works better for me. Although he still has a sex drive, I accommodate on a more sane level. That's an easier compromise.

Right after New Years I became very sick. I had emergency surgery and almost died. I had my gallbladder removed, a stone blocking my liver bile duct, pancreatitis, and septic blood infection all at the same time. He took me to the hospital, ran all my errands and took care of me for a month while working. Immediately when I returned home he changed. He became distant, stopped saying I love you, stopped holding my hand, at night he rolled over without a kiss and turned his back on me. At his house last weekend he stayed in a different room the entire time while I sat on the couch. There was nothing to do since my site was down. Valentine's Day sucked. I'm not romantic but he usually is and it was a big change to see everything last year compared to nothing this year. I am paying for our dates and he makes five times more money, and all this has been going on for two weeks. When I ask him questions he replies "I don't know" "I think so" and since I don't read people well and he's not being direct, I think he must not want me anymore. I asked him and he said he did and I asked if he still loves me and he said yes. He said he was sick. He doesn't look sick and when he talks to other people he is semi-normal. He goes to work like usual. When he talks to me his voice is slow. I decompress differently and since I'm on meds, my anxiety does not build up. This is new to me. Does this last forever. Will he ever be the way he was? I am effected with this change cause I hate rude people and I am processing his actions as rude and uncaring. I did research so that's why I am here.

If he is decompressing cause the hospital and my illness put him on short-circuit mode, I can wait. If he's just done with me, I can move on. He does't talk and when I ask questions he doesn't know anything. What's a girl to do? I'm 46 and he's 54. If he's sick or decompressing, of course I am here for him like a rock.

Hi and welcome.

I am so sorry for what you went thru! I am glad you are OK!

It sounds very exciting to be with him on one level and then on the other very confusing.

We are confusing. I admit. Many times people read about Autism and think OK they are like XYZ. However, for those of us who are older we are extremely complicated. We are more complicated than we know, really. So are most people- people are too complex to understand.

I am not sure why he pulled back. Iam AUT and I have dated NTs and ASP's because I older. If you want to PM me I can give you deals and also my e-mail. Maybe I can help being that I am older, too.

Maybe harshly, he got bored. Maybe when the sex thing stopped he wanted to mve on. I know a few ASP guys and- please forgive me men- many of htem are REALLY obsessed with looks, sex, etc ebcause of the sensory issues. Many AUT woman though can be A-sexual. WEIRD eh?

And maybe he just did that normal guy thing where they have lots of sex with you and then they are bored and want it from someone else. Men have done that since the creation, bless their hearts.

Perhaps your illness had nothing to do withit, or maybe he saw a side of you that made him unhappy. I recal when I dated a man once and I suddenly got disgusted with him for no reason. It was just the fact that he was HUMAN. I looked at his shoe and felt such horrible disgust I had to escape. I know that is terrible. But sometimes we have lack of empathy, other times we have too much.

I tend to care too much, but when someone gets too close I do not like it. And often too close is what is natural and normal for normal people.

I don't know what he is htinking.

What I do know is that often- NOT ALL- but often times we are horrible partners and marriages are very very hard. I don't want to be black and white. THere are people on here married that might be able to help on that end. I know it's been too hard for me.

But PM me if you like. It's complex, I know!

My bf and I both have AS. My BF cycles in a similar way to yours. He's either WAY into me or completely detached like he doesn't care I exist, and then he cycles back to being passionate and present.

I do the same thing. I get overloaded with intimacy and must be alone and I don't want to talk or have anything to do with him for a while either.

I think it's normal with AS and my best advice is trust the process and know it's in cycles and that he will cycle back to you.

Thank you for the advice. I will wait thru the process. I agree with the sex comments which is why I stopped dating because I wasn't being fair to the men who found me attractive. I know that my physical appearance is what brought my Fiance and I together in the beginning. The OCD on sex changed the first six months. We still definately have a sex life, in fact, he stopped using viagra when he met me. The sex continued although the leather and ropes stay in a drawer. I do offer them but he declines. He's good with normal sex twice a week now.

How do I know if it's a cycle or if he's over me and just too nice to speak up? How long is a cycle? Do I continue our routine 'as usual' like before I got sick? Maybe him watching me throw up made him not like me although I have been sick before and he stuck around. The other night we were on our laptops side by side and he said I looked sexy. So I don't think he's losing interest.

Do I not call him and just wait for him to call me? Or do I continue like normal?

A few years ago my girlfriend had serious gallbladder surgery - the planned laproscopic turned emergency and they had to make a huge 10 inch incision. With such major surgery, I was forced to take on all the responsibility for over a month. As an aspie, I can tell you that that takes A LOT out of you. Personally, I hated myself for how I felt, which was resentful. Logically, I did not resent her. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't shower without my help for a couple weeks, or sit up without help, etc. It wasn't her fault she'd had to quit her job because she had been sick for months before the surgery. I was scared, totally stressed, overwhelmed. Not only did the aurgery make me realize how much I loved her and needed her and how absolutely horrible it would be to lose her (i.e. for a lot of people that leads to detachment for self-preservation), but I also got scared I'd always be taking care of her, which was irrational, but stress does that to a person. I wanted very much to escape. It is hard when an adult, an adult whose mobility and support you used to take for granted, suddenly needs you to care for them. Unlike a child, where you enter the relationship knowing, instinctively or logically, that your sole purpose and role is caregiver, with an adult, you have this battle in your head where everytime they ask you to get something, you want to scream and go, you are a grown woman get it yourself! Again, irrational, but true.

I am not saying that he will come around and that it isn't something else that is up with him. But I do suspect that it may be a combination of detachment due to realization he could lose you and that would hurt and stress from the overwhelming responsibility of caring for someone who is hurting. Maybe you could talk to him to find out if he is struggling with some pent up resentment for being made to feel overwhelmed and the guilt for irrationally having such a petty resentment. Guilt + resentment = nasty. Obviously, I got over it, she got better, relatively, I got adjusted and adopted much of the added responsibility as part of my "routine."

Thanks for that. Logically in my brain those thoughts came to mind. I keep letting him know how great I feel and I'm healthier than ever. I have a great job and go back to work in 1.5 weeks so he knows that too.

In fact, I was in the hospital for two weeks and then at his house for one week. After that week I could see it was hard for him so I called my mom to come over and care for me and asked him to take me home. I didn't want to burden him if I could burden my mother

Also, I molested him into a blow job so he could see that life was back to normal. Normal is important to him. So I'm trying to act 'normal' again. Same phone calls, same overnights.

He is older than I am by ten years and in the future he is more likely to get sick than I am. I'm sure I will handle it much better than he is - the care part. Now I wonder if I should get old with him cause if I am sick he'll bail on me. I wanted a partner I can get old with not just someone to have fun with until I get old. Uhm. Something to think about.

How do you know when you feel resentment and guilt for helping someone? It's not logical to resent someone for being sick out of their control. How does resentment work in the brain? I don't get that at all. I always considered that a person could resent someone for reasons like the person going to work happily and someone being stuck home with the kids miserably or things like that. Like an unfair thing.

I would think you'd be more resentful of the losing the job thing or resenting the additional financial hardship placed on you, not the illness.

I ended up with a big incision too. Does her incision make you find her less attractive? Did it gross you out? Did it make you like/love her less when you saw her throwingup like the exorcist or ugly in bed with no makeup and her hair all natty? I swelled also, I thought I was gross. So maybe seeing someone you thought was beautiful, suddenly turn disgusting would be a reason to run. Did you detach? How long did it take you to get back to normal?