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osti62
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08 Mar 2009, 12:47 pm

is it just me?
i can't seem to just "think" something when it comes to my partner i have to "say" it, sometimes (most times lately it seems) it's always in the wrong place, wrong time
im trying to put across my views/feelings etc but it just seems to bring on more heated discussion verging on arguments
yesterday we had a fantastic day (& night) this morning BANG!! !
i fully realise that not all i say will make much sense to her & likewise to me but what i think i need now is almost a "vow of silence" but how frustrating is that!! !!
does anyone have some simple coping methods for such issues?



Starr
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09 Mar 2009, 6:47 am

Welcome to WP osti.

I'm not sure I have coping methods as such, but I do have to say things about issues with my Hub, otherwise I'd explode, so sometimes we have very heated and occasionally blistering rows...but when we've both had a sulk and the atmosphere settles a bit and it's calmer we talk things through (nicely, each having a say and me trying to keep my mouth shut and listen while he's speaking)
I find the AS thing of 'all or nothing' happens in these situations which makes it worse - I feel each row means we're headed for divorce. I know that's rubbish really as we get on well most of the time. I guess it would be better to try not to go 'over the top' i.e. keep a sense of perspective but that's easier said than done, but that would help.

Perhaps it's more positive to try and contain the irritation, then once you feel calmer, think through whether you really have reason for complaint and maybe it's less stressful (for both of you) to let some things go. Nobody's perfect :)



osti62
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09 Mar 2009, 7:01 pm

thanks starr

sounds like words of wisdom :D



millie
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16 Mar 2009, 4:31 am

no edit button in the brain.
say what i think. This has caused me no end of problems and difficulty in my life.
as i get older i accept it.



mixtapebooty
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02 Apr 2009, 2:45 am

I think I've learned to speak inside my mind instead of with my mouth due to the general fear of the fear of an argument.

Writing letters is a technique that is commonly recommended for couple communication. Thoughts, concerns, and problems should be shred ad hoc, like private documents once resolved as a ritual of negotiation.

Lack of comprehensive non verbal skills can really hinder a person, and allow them to be dominated by those with superior skills in this field. I keep this in mind with every relationship that I form. Humans love interpersonal dominance over one another. People with AS are of course faulty of this too, but in a different pattern of motive than an NT. Friction doesn't last if love is slipping through your fingers. The idea is to be creative and have fun with the tension. A sense of humour is nothing to joke about.



peterd
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03 Apr 2009, 8:05 pm

Quote:
I think I've learned to speak inside my mind instead of with my mouth due to the general fear of the fear of an argument.

It's rough, though, when speaking inside doesn't make any noise out there, but I thought it had.

Rougher still when I speak out here (that's here here, in space; not here cyber. Or is it?) and it doesn't make any difference.



TallyMan
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07 Apr 2009, 3:53 pm

I tend to keep my mouth shut just to avoid arguments with my wife. Trouble is it has got to the stage I hardly talk to her at all! On the few occasions I try to have a serious conversation she gets all emotional and whatever I say just makes her more so and eventually either angry or tearful. So I keep my mouth shut. We only ever talk functional stuff related to day to day living and that is all. Sad but true.


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macushla
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14 Apr 2009, 11:28 am

A couple years ago the mantra "let stupid people be stupid" occurred to me.

It took me a couple years to actually put that mantra to actual use.

The reality of the matter is, when someone says something I don't agree with I need to recognize that what they have said is an opportunity for insight into what their thinking process is
which helps me understand how and why they are different from me.

My acceptance of their differences from me opens the door for them accepting my differences from them.
We both have equal options to walk through that door.



TobyZ
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15 Apr 2009, 11:31 am

macushla wrote:
A couple years ago the mantra "let stupid people be stupid" occurred to me.

It took me a couple years to actually put that mantra to actual use.

The reality of the matter is, when someone says something I don't agree with I need to recognize that what they have said is an opportunity for insight into what their thinking process is
which helps me understand how and why they are different from me.


I find this works with strangers and casual situations. But if I'm tired, or had a couple drinks, it's a noisy or socially high energy... I have trouble with the self control.

And with people I get close to, I have the most trouble. As I feel it is my responsibility to be honest, even when I understand to a degree they don't want it! What I think and how it is executed are often in conflict.

This comic was written about a 38 year old with AS, I found this one frame the sort of conflict that builds up inside of me. http://lbnuke.com/wp-content/gallery/be ... d/bee7.png He depicts his angst well.



courage
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20 Apr 2009, 8:42 pm

As you can't instictivly see where a conversation will go and it's reaction you will need to mentally play it through in your head

I.E.

"Do I look fat in this dress"
"Yes"
- Death


"Do I look fat in this dress"
"You look lovely"
- love



Coadunate
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20 Apr 2009, 11:43 pm

I’ve been married four times. I love my present wife very much and we’ve been together for more than thirteen years. The next longest only lasted six. The big difference between her and all the formers is that she speaks her mind and I have learned to appreciate how precious that really is.



osti62
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22 Apr 2009, 7:46 am

have really been trying hard over last few weeks with some degree of sucess too :D
however dropped a few out sunday evening & thought "here we go again ! ! "
Frank views exchanged between us (not a bad thing at times i know), frosty the day after
Im trying to be objective & honest (certainly not hurtful) with what i say but it always seems to come in the wrong context??
Straight talking from your partner? Does SHE understand how she sounds to me at times????
very very frustrating :roll:



silentbob15
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28 Apr 2009, 8:28 pm

I try to keep mine shut, but if something rubs me the wrong way I can
be very blunt, it has gotten me into trouble on numerous occasions.
Some people don't like it is your blunt and speak out, but I would rather
be honest then pussyfoot around the issues.



KarmicPyxis
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28 Apr 2009, 8:57 pm

Keeping my mouth shut...doesn't get me into trouble at home and/or with my wife.

But...out in the "real world"? Hoooo-boy! 8O Yep--I've learned over the years that "I'm just saying what most of you are thinking" doesn't cut it, regardless of whether or not it's true!

It's not so hard to make peace with anyone who just says whatever s/he has on his/her mind...the problem is when they either can't make up his/her mind, or when they refuse to admit that it is actually in fact time to 'change' his/her mind (ie evolve, progress, admit error, etc).

I admit, though, that at least 20 percent of my "aloof" and "reserved" social behavior (ie non-chatterbox, non-shallow) is learned behavior due to having been burned in the past by failing to keep my mouth shut when I apparently should have done so.

But....a word to the wise: DO NOT mistake (y)our need for an appropriate level of "social caution" to paralyze you. I'd rather live with the regret of having said something that I shouldn't have said than live with the regret of having kept silent when I should have spoken.


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MissConstrue
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28 Apr 2009, 9:06 pm

osti62 wrote:
is it just me?
i can't seem to just "think" something when it comes to my partner i have to "say" it, sometimes (most times lately it seems) it's always in the wrong place, wrong time
im trying to put across my views/feelings etc but it just seems to bring on more heated discussion verging on arguments
yesterday we had a fantastic day (& night) this morning BANG!! !
i fully realise that not all i say will make much sense to her & likewise to me but what i think i need now is almost a "vow of silence" but how frustrating is that!! !!
does anyone have some simple coping methods for such issues?


Yep, same here.

My words seem to come off offensive or dorky.....:?

I seem to piss people off whenever I ramble so I've had to try and remind myself to shutup once in a while. I think this is why I prefer typing to talking. Gives me time to process my thoughts before I use them in the worst possible ways......even typing's hard enough!


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johnners
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30 Apr 2009, 4:50 pm

Talking crap at odd times is a real bugbear with me.

With me, it's coming out with stuff that's random to my wife, but makes total sense to me. It's to do with your train of thought getting ahead of you: one minute you're talking about that woman on the TV, your brain train moves forward in silence, then your mouth opens and you say something about lawnmowers.

I also find that whatever fascinating titbit of info has to come out right now, this second, and I think back and cringe when I realise I started that discussion about the lack of public funding for road maintenance at 10.15pm as we were getting ready for bed.

How can you stop yourself, where's the mute button? And why is it when you decide to not say anything to prevent your embarrassment, the other person asks if anything is wrong because you're so quiet.

One way I've coped is to have conversations with myself out loud when nobody else is in the house. Lets off the verbal steam, as it were, having a little dialogue, or when my wife is around, I talk to the cat.