Dear Abby Letter

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Wondering if anyone's seen the latest "Dear Abby" column...

"DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 24-year-old developmentally disabled son who lives with us. Three months ago, he met a nice girl at the mental health program he attends. They hold hands, go to the movies and occasionally smooch.
Recently, "Jasper" had a mark on his neck. We were over at a friend's house for dinner when my best friend noticed the mark. She then proceeded to tell me I should consider getting Jasper "fixed." At first, I wasn't sure I'd heard her correctly, so I asked her to repeat it. I am shocked that she thinks I should have my son sterilized.
Jasper is diagnosed with ADD and Asperger's syndrome. According to his mental health counselor, he could someday be married, have children and lead a productive, independent life. It just may take him longer to get to that point in comparison with his peers.
How should I respond to my friend about her suggestion? When she made it, I didn't know what to say. -- SPEECHLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SPEECHLESS: If you still want to maintain the friendship with the woman, tell her what your son's mental health counselor said about his prospects for the future. But first, if you haven't already, make sure Jasper clearly understands everything he needs to know to protect himself and his nice girlfriend from premature parenthood."

There's seriously people out there who think we should get "fixed"?

Dear Abby link (Halfway down the page)
But I'm not broken down there!

Why would she want to maintain a friendship with such a horrible woman? Her son is not an animal that needs fixed.

If she posts a reply from "Angry Aspie" that would be me. I pointed out that it would be sick enough if her "friend" had been talking about a mentally disabled child as if they were a family pet rather than a human being. It feels even worse that she's discussing someone who is at LEAST of average if not better intellect (considering that preservation of cognitive development is part of the definition of AS and the other diagnosis mentioned doesn't negatively impact intellect either) in such a manner.

It's equally sad that there are people out there that think you can actually have someone "fixed."

Thank God I don't do advice columns, I would have advised that the letter writer bitch-slap that slimeball until she recanted every word. "Fixed" my ass, we're not some animals you can toy around with!

When I first read that, I immediately thought of the 1940s.

But then I began reading further.

Now, the letter writer speaks about her son as if he were a pre-teen. She refers to his activities as "holding hands" and "smooching". It seems obvious from the content that her son has never dated or had sex at age 24. She even refers to him as "developmentally disabled" (which is a PC buzz phrase for "mentally ret*d" in most circles).

Parents need to be really careful not to infantilize their adult children with mild disabilities. From the mother's tone of letter, it's entirely possible that she was doing this and giving her "friends" the wrong impression of her son. If she's partially responsible for the miscommunication, then she needs to let her 'friend' know that her son is not as disabled as they think he is. Otherwise, she should be prepared for a slew of comments that are just as inflammatory, if not moreso.

Forced sterilization is still wrong, regardless of intelligence. But it's still common for people to suggest to forcibly sterlize mentally handicapped individuals (see "The Ashley Treatment"). Therefore, many people still believe that it's "okay" to bring it up in conversation when they think that they're talking about a mentally ret*d person.

These same people would never suggest the same of someone who had average intelligence, unless they were a super-hardcore eugenicist. It's not "right", but if you were to cut ties with everyone who thought that it was, you would have very few friends left. Something that the average NT parent doesn't want to have happen.

I am appalled by this to say the least, does that women view us as animals or subhumans.

I wish I could have these kind of people know what it is like to be treated like that, even if it was just for a year.

I have to wonder if any reputable doctor would even undertake a procedure to "fix" a patient in this day and age.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!! I had a procedure done to me at 19 (was supposed to be 18 but Planned Parenthood gives me the creeps! so I fought back seeing as the doctor never used anasthesia. ) the second attempt was at the hospital where they knocked me out silly. I woke up feeling violated, angry (at my NT father since the whole thing was his idea in the first place. I never doubt that he wants "natrual" grandkids from me who are also AS but given what I've read on the net not all Aspies have Aspie kids some may end up "normal" so we shall see about that one day daddy! ) but most of all, hurt and regretful b/c I let my dad scare me into this BS. He even said not to tell my grandparents (my mom's parents my parents are divorced and these folks DO NOT like my dad. Can't blame 'em. The old man's put me through more crap than i can handle) about it. I had to at some point so I broke the news this past year. My grandmother was shocked but not too surprised. Her immediate response was "He had you fixed?!"
"Yes." I replied
Then she threw out her usual obscene remarks and insults I'm used to hearing whenever she talks about my dad (trust me it's so ugly i can't remember it all)
I believe she also told me that my dad never wanted kids which is rather unusual b/c I'm here typing this.

-Yeah the kicker was actually 'developmentally disabled' it's too vague. ADD/ADHD are only problems because our modern lifestyle requires concentration. My sister is marrying a dude who admits to being ADHD. He's nice, just doesn't like to discuss the impact of Old Bulgarian on old church Slavonic. Isn't it diagnostic criteria that Aspergers requires a normal/near normal IQ?