Are these people unsuitable for public speaking endeavours?

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I am a public speaker who conducts sessions on ASD issues, and I would like to start by saying that I am a very inclusive person. About a year ago, I will admit that I had a narrowly defined definition of who should speak out within the ASD community. I initially thought that people only wanted to hear success stories and how one has overcome things, and only include people who can interact with the public well. I now realize that people with less-than-perfect social skills should speak out about their current experiences (preferably in settings where their differences will be 100% tolerated, such as autistic-run organizations) without the pressures to prove anything or to do small talk afterwards.

Anyway, my current dilemma is not about excluding people who have communication difficulties, but more to do with protecting the image of people on the spectrum. The scenario is this: because I am a well-known public speaker, I bump into many people on the spectrum who aspire to do this too. However, I have recently met two people who may be a little unsuitable for this job, but I would like to ask the members of the forum whether they agree with me, since I am only one person with one opinion.

Here are the two people I am currently torn about.

#1 - wants to have a career as a public speaker, which I don't think is the most feasible of plans. It is hard for me and other speakers I know to get gigs, and when we make money, it's not enough for anything sustainable, including rent. Other people have told him this and he insists on trying. He is very socially awkward and does not have many friends, which I don't have an issue with. I do have an issue with some of his interests and how he has brought them up with me.

On the first day we met, I became concerned he was hitting on me as he kept talking about getting away with physical contact and flirting with other girls despite having a girlfriend. I brought this up later and he was surprised that I reacted that way. The next time we got together, he brought up how him and his girlfriend have sex, then asked if I watched porn and my habits concerning it. He also matter of factly stated his habits concerning porn (likes/dislikes, how he erases his internet history after jacking off etc). This made me feel very uncomfortable.

To top it off, he sent me a youtube video that he made of his friends goofing around. I did not have an issue with this, but I did have an issue with his youtube account. His "favourites" consisted solely of over a hundred soft-core porn videos and ones of girls making out. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, who also has AS. If I had a boyfriend and they acted like this, I'd dump them on the spot. They have been together for years though. To make things worse, he acts like we are close friends and always asks me to hang out. I am now avoiding him as I feel uneasy around him and told him 'I can't get rides to the city', but he still updates me about his life, which is annoying.

He also has very little interest in connecting the greater autistic community, or interest in autistic issues in general. I brought him out to an event run by adult advocates, which I felt would benefit him as the people there were on a similar level to him and were fully involved in autistic issues. (I am more in a state where I have overcome most of my AS related difficulties) He said that he had a good time but has not come to any additional meetups, despite me giving him information about it. This would not be a problem in itself, but when it is coupled with the other issues it makes me question things.

#2 - Have never met him but know a lot about him through a friend on the spectrum. This friend told me that he is immature, a slacker, and his special interest is weed. I also smoke occasionally, but I am *very* discreet about it and I am not obsessed with it. I take a look at his facebook and that is also the impression I got from him Almost all his comments are about weed, drugs, drinking and antisocial behaviour and there is lots of profanity. He called someone an a**hole, told someone to f--- off, said that a friend 'likes penis up his a--' and wrote 'suck my d--k you f-----g f----t' on justin bieber's page. He even got a pot leaf tattoo and is telling everyone about it. So, he sends me an email asking about how he could become a public speaker as he has aspergers (confirmed by my friend) and apparently got 98% on a project about it. I have not responded back for obvious reasons.

I don't like rejecting anyone, and I am not going to tell them they are unsuitable, but perhaps they should work on these things. Either way, I am paranoid about how autistics are portrayed and I do not want these guys to embarrass themselves.

What does everyone think? How do I deal with people like these? Any input is appreciated.

What people do in their private lives generally has little bearing on what they do in a work environment. If everybody who liked porn and smoked weed were excluded from the workplace, Congress would be empty.

If you have a clear code on how they are supposed to conduct themselves when representing your organisation and they are prepared to abide by it, I don't see a problem.

If you think that they will be unable or unwilling to abide by such a code then don't hire them.

How they choose to live their lives in their own time is generally people's own business.

That having been said, if you think either have the potential to tarnish your own professional reputation by association, probably safer to steer clear.

This may be true, but I am mainly concerned that if they do become well known, people may search their names or want to get to know them more, and judge them by what they find. If someone conducts themselves in the public eye, they have to be discreet about things like this or else people will lose respect for them. I'm sure if you searched someone in Congress and found them to have a porn obsession or telling people to 'f-- off', they may still keep their jobs, but there is a good chance you would respect them less as a person.

But of course, no one in congress would blatantly reveal such things because they have social judgement, and the difficulties these guys have is knowing where to draw the line. I simply can't recommend someone for public speaking if they are going to embarrass themselves by not knowing what is appropriate to reveal, or to be found on the internet by parents, teachers and other people on the spectrum who look up to you. Sure, I like porn and weed, but I will not discuss these things with everyone I meet, and especially not with others who are affiliated with me on a professional level.

Last edited by anneurysm on 27 Aug 2011, 3:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you are uncomfortable with them, don't do it. There are plenty of moderately socially awkward people with AS out there who'd be interested in doing this. My advice is to find some that you are personally comfortable with that may still appear awkward to the general community and tell these two guys honestly that you're uncomfortable with them. I hate it when people make excuses or beat around the bush so I feel you should tell them directly but do it in a tactful way.

Just my two cents,

AllieKat

You could easily have the same problem with anyone. I know loads of people who have high profile jobs but turn into lunatics on a saturday night.
In addition, hiring the right people is a very difficult management skill to acquire.

However, I understand that Canada can be more conservative than other countries.

I also understand that there appears to be more blurring in these circumstances than one would normally expect it a professional hire situation.

My advice is that if you think an association with either could back fire on you; back away. However, can you get older heads to share the decision/risk by making it a panel decision of some sort? This means that you have a "get out" if things go bad, have a means of saying "no" without having to deal with an arkward situation and may make a better decision if more than one person is involved.

I would like to point out that my business and the speaking endeavours that #1 does are freelance...we book our own engagements and have spoken for a few different organizations. Since we each run our own stuff, there is no way we could do a panel-type desicion. #1 has ties to a major autism agency in his city though, and since he would like to become well-known I am worried about his repuation.

I would like to be honest with both of them, but perhaps what I should be asking is...how do I do it? I hate telling people things like this, so how should I explain it to them in a way that won't make them resent me or start a conflict? I have drawn the line with a well-known, professional aspie speaker before as he was making me feel uncomfortable, and he ended up cutting off all contact with me. I do not want that to happen. I am very sensitive and hate when people reject me.

#1 is a generally nice guy and I don't want his feelings to be hurt, but I want to show him the impact of his actions on my general impression of him.

Last edited by anneurysm on 27 Aug 2011, 4:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Might I remind you that no one died and made you the public speaking god.

Winston Churchill was a stutterer, a womanizer and a drunkard and perhaps one of the best public speakers of modern times. James Earl Jones also struggled with stuttering and has one of the most famous voices in show business.

Hitler..yes...evil, possibly driven by insanity, but certainly a man who would have been considered an insignificant loser in his formative years and yet he acquired what were undeniably excellent oration skills (I say this under the full knowledge he would have tossed me in the gas chamber).

If the individuals you speak of want to become public speakers then that is their choice. You are certainly under no obligation to help them but if you are kind enough to you just might give them some direct pointers. For example, tell the first one that pornography and sex is not an appropriate topic to talk about with most people.

anneurysm...

These are not low functiong Aspies, they are low functioning "dudes" who have some growing up to do!

They do not fit with your image...unfortunately, professional PR (which is really where you are heading, even though it is topic specific) is no more about blanket inclusion than figure skating is and neither of these guys fits the image you are aiming for in the smallest way...which will only diminish your perfomance (and, technically vice versa).

At 23, when it is hard enough to convey authority, this is the LAST thing you need.

Just tell them your styles are incompatible and will work against each other, and you wouldn't be doing them any favours, let alone yourself if you hooked up with them, but wish them all the best and assure them that you are available with advice and encouragement any time they need it.

Good Luck with all you are doing.

Sigh, this is tough. I know that I am under no obligation to help them, but the onus is on me to give them advice since I am a sought after and in-demand public speaker and both guys seem to look up to me a great deal.

Forgot to say that #2 also mentioned in his email that he works for a high-profile autism agency in our area. Why the heck would anyone hire him when he is clearly disrespectful to people? Sheeeesh....

Anyway...
Any suggestions as to how I can tell them these things tactfully?
Should I tell them the things I have mentioned above and explain that it can affect how people view them?

No, because that REALLY isn't your business.

Tell them the financial reality of public speaking, and tell them they are incompatible with the image you have been building, and that cannot work...but you never know, they may do very well for themselves seperately from you, so point that out...the main thing is that you stick to your own image and presentation.

What they do alone is up to them.

I'd like to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread...all of you have given me some solid advice.

I have discussed this issue with my mom, who is a library technician and an expert in social media. She emphasised the importance of conducting a professional image online, especially in today's social media driven era. She said if Winston Churchill had revealled things about his personal life online, his image would be quickly tarnished. Remember Congressman Anthony Weiner? Due to social media and news travelling so fast, he is now a living joke and even had to resign from his position as he was so embarrassed.

Anyway....what I will do is the following:

With #1, I will have a frank discussion regarding his professional profile. I will explain that porn is not a socially appropriate topic and the things he can do to create a professional image for himself (i.e. making his youtube playlists private). We will still continue to hang out on the condition that he try his best to not bring up inappropiate topics, and when he does I will call him out on it. Typically, this would be none of my business, but it is making me want to avoid him. Since he considers me a friend and takes many things I have said to him to heart, I feel assisting him with this will improve our personal and working relationship.

With #2, I will write him back and tell him that I largely gained speaking experience through a few older teachers and mentors in my life, which is largely true. My theory is that if he does find a mentor (which he can easily through the support agency) that they will be the one to point out his largely unprofessional image, and because they are in definite positions of authority, he will be more likely to take their advice.

I hope this goes well. Thanks for all the advice!

I am *SO* with your mom...

Also, with #1 his behaviour is only "none of your business" in terms of public speaking...in terms of his personal interaction with you it's different and YOU BET you call him on it.

You NEVER need to suffer behaviour that makes you socially uncomfortable in silence!

I think you have chosen some very wise and tactful approaches.

Well having read the major points about #1 I think it would be misplaced to call him some how low-functioning. I think the word you are looking for is sex-obsessed and not very bright, although it seems that is his own fault.

Brutal honesty time.

I see absolutely no connection between #1’s private life and public life. If the large organization in question (know what you’re talking about) has brought him up as a speaker and continues to benefit from engaging him in speeches, he must have credibility as a speaker. From my impression of him, it appears like he does have at least some sense of appropriate and inappropriate in a business setting. In addition, I have researched him a bit myself after meeting him for the first time. I did not find any of the inappropriate stuff that he does that you’re talking about. This was my absolutely first time coming across this information.

That said, the only thing that worries me about #1 is the fact that he does not seek to engage further in the greater autistic community. Without such in-depth engagement, I would be worried about him being unaware of the internal politics of autism organizations and his position in this network of politics. If he does not have experience with a large variety of autistic people across all dimensions of the spectrum, he might possibly make statements that can be ignorant of diversity and be potentially damaging to the autistic community as a whole. Considering that he is still very young, I can see that happening.

I have different advice. I think you should focus on bringing him closer into the autistic sphere. Perhaps you could tell him that in order to improve himself as an autism speaker, it is a must to become integrated with the autistic community through self-advocacy groups like TAAN. I am not trying to recruit new members to our group, I just don’t know of any other group like ours here in Toronto.

#2 also seems very cut-off. He also seems not very intelligent. But you can always ask to hear his presentation and judge for yourself as to the quality of its content. Same goes for #1 – it’s the presentations that matter.

That, I am afraid, is the only truth in town...ANY town...

BUT, in terms of whether anyone should work directly *with* anneurysm it is the *joint* presentations that matter and, in terms of her own future as a public speaker that is what she needs to think about.

If #1 makes her uncomfortable then you have just presented an excellent case for assuming that he *does* know better, and, as soon as she pulls him on it, will never make her uncomfortable again.

BUT

There IS no "Simon Cowell" of public speaking on Autism...it is all down to who gets asked...whether because they have the contacts, the ability, or just the gullability to be malleable...all those happen...

I have seen people make presentations on Autism who should have been shot before they could open the mouth, I have seen excellent speakers put to use in contexts where their voices could only have a negative effect.

Right now it's a cr*p shoot (one day, in the future, it will become yet another multimillion dollar industry...if you re waiting for the altruistic evangelisation of some kind of "true Autism" I hope to heck you are not holding your breath). So you do the best with what you have...

The things you have mentioned above are the perfect example of *why* the autism advocacy industry of today is, by far and large, corrupt. People choose those who they are the most comfortable with. The person who is chosen, though, ends up being someone who has better social skills because you need to be socially aware to an extent in order to understand how to make people around you comfortable. As a result, the public gets an immensely distorted picture of what autism actually is. Some nonverbal autistics would be excellent speakers with assistive technology, but they do not get asked to present for large, NT-run autism organizations because they are not socially engaging enough to be able to network well.