Jono wrote:
Three things you implied I said, which I never said in the post:
1. I never said the NT partner must change the behaviour of the AS partner. You can't change other people.
2. I never said the NT partner must sit back and accept abusive behaviour.
3. I never said AS was an excuse for anything.
Jono, I know you were not saying those things and I did not mean to come across as implying anything. I wrote my post to encompass what the OP wrote (why do so many AS-NT relationships fail?) as well as your response. Some people on this forum do use AS as an excuse and many (often very desperate and over-forgiving) NT women write in looking to hopefully explain all hurtful behaviour of their partner with the AS bandaid, so it was something I felt needed covering.
Quote:
What I was referring to was that, for example, many/most of those Cassandra women cite lack of affection as a reason for the failure of the relationship. In that particular case, it's normally difficulties in non-verbal communication that's the source of the problem - it's in the DSM. Aspies can actually be caring and sympathetic if and when they know what's going with the other person's feelings but in this case they don't know because they don't pick up the signals. If that's the source then it's not enough for an NT partner just to point it out because the AS partner will still not not know what the NT partner wants from him/her. For instance, without understanding the body language, the AS partner will not know when the NT partner had a stressful day at work, upset about something etc. In cases like that it's not enough that NT partner points out to the AS partner that he\she is not being affectionate, but often have to change the way they communicate as well. In every single successful long-term NT/AS relationship or marriage that I've heard about, the couple had to work things out like that. The responsibility for a relationship never rests one person, and that goes for any relationship, unless one partner has genuinely been abusive.
I was not referring to lack of affection as a form of hurt, but even so, I still think it should be the responsibity of the person with the condition to manage their symptoms. Whilst a forgiving, understanding and patient partner is absolutely invaluable, at the end of the day, it is not the partner's problem, or at least, it doesn't
have to be.
I am not suggesting that all failed relationships are the sole responsibilty of the person with AS at all, and I apologise if that's how I'm coming across. Relationships fail for all different reasons and sometimes it's not a communication thing at all, let alone the fault of the AS person.
It is a difficult situation for the person with AS, and I understand that what I'm saying may sound unfair, but because people with aspergers have such a hard time with communication and showing/describing feelings, it is very hard for an (non-psychologist) observer to tell from behaviour alone who has aspergers, who is being jerk and who is both, as simply having AS doesn't make you a good person. I honestly don't know how to get around that one easily if one partner (aspie or not) cannot manage to show a clear difference; my personal stance is to take your partner as they come and to take their behaviour as it comes too. 'Not meaning it' becomes cold comfort after a while.
Anyway, Jono, my original post here was a reply to the original poster. I have replied to two of your comments directed at me, but I am not interested in getting any further into a debate. You are welcome to respond to this post if you like, but I'm going to bow out now before it turns into one.
05 Oct 2010, 4:06 pm
